my girl friend hates guns...help?
- Thread starter george fury
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I am of the opinion that it matters less if folks have a different way of seeing the world,and more about how they treat each other with respect.
You know,to some degree,it is pretty much in the job description of men and women to have a different point of view.They represent a certain mystery,the dark side of the moon for each other.
This is not hopeless,unless you two make it hopeless by choice.
Even if you two began life having identical outlooks on everything,we are all going to go through changes and become different.We do tend to find someone like a parent,but if the expectation is a parent clone,it may lead to finding a parent clone and getting divorced,then finding another parent clone .....etc,maybe 9 times.
A relationship has to have room to be who you are,but,she must be who she is.Being OK with that is a starting point.
Do you dance with her? Are you Fred Astaire? Does she wish you would dance with her? Or maybe there is something else where you could say,"Darlin,I'll stretch and grow some for something you enjoy,can you do that with me?
Read up on how to help out a gun shy bird dog.No disrespect intended.
Can you afford $125? Cricket makes a real cute little single shot .22 that just happens to have a pink stock.Did you ever see the Mr Rogers show? He was non-scary.A little pink .22 is non scary.CCI CB longs are very quiet.
A table saw kerf in a chunk of 2x4 holds the edge of Ritz crackers real well for targets. Blanket,Brie,Baguette,a couple of pears,a pretty meadow...
With a gun shy dog,its a cap pistol while they are chowing on something good,then,in the field,having fun,maybe a CB cap or a short.In time,they learn shooting is just part of the fun.
You have to find and hold a certain tranquility so that she knows in her heart the safest place in the whole world is by your side.
Get a copy of the book "The Old Man and the Boy" .Read it.
As you are new to shooting,it was not passed to you by The Old Man.You will get something special from this book.
I do not deny or disrespect the self defense portion of shooting,but that is not the whole of shooting,and the idea of shooting people (in SD) is a tough sell.
Whacking crackers or grapes,taking turns with a pink 22 is about fun.That is an easier sell.
And,at least get one of the $100 sheet metal security lockers,so you can store them securely
Now,take her dancing!
You know,to some degree,it is pretty much in the job description of men and women to have a different point of view.They represent a certain mystery,the dark side of the moon for each other.
This is not hopeless,unless you two make it hopeless by choice.
Even if you two began life having identical outlooks on everything,we are all going to go through changes and become different.We do tend to find someone like a parent,but if the expectation is a parent clone,it may lead to finding a parent clone and getting divorced,then finding another parent clone .....etc,maybe 9 times.
A relationship has to have room to be who you are,but,she must be who she is.Being OK with that is a starting point.
Do you dance with her? Are you Fred Astaire? Does she wish you would dance with her? Or maybe there is something else where you could say,"Darlin,I'll stretch and grow some for something you enjoy,can you do that with me?
Read up on how to help out a gun shy bird dog.No disrespect intended.
Can you afford $125? Cricket makes a real cute little single shot .22 that just happens to have a pink stock.Did you ever see the Mr Rogers show? He was non-scary.A little pink .22 is non scary.CCI CB longs are very quiet.
A table saw kerf in a chunk of 2x4 holds the edge of Ritz crackers real well for targets. Blanket,Brie,Baguette,a couple of pears,a pretty meadow...
With a gun shy dog,its a cap pistol while they are chowing on something good,then,in the field,having fun,maybe a CB cap or a short.In time,they learn shooting is just part of the fun.
You have to find and hold a certain tranquility so that she knows in her heart the safest place in the whole world is by your side.
Get a copy of the book "The Old Man and the Boy" .Read it.
As you are new to shooting,it was not passed to you by The Old Man.You will get something special from this book.
I do not deny or disrespect the self defense portion of shooting,but that is not the whole of shooting,and the idea of shooting people (in SD) is a tough sell.
Whacking crackers or grapes,taking turns with a pink 22 is about fun.That is an easier sell.
And,at least get one of the $100 sheet metal security lockers,so you can store them securely
Now,take her dancing!
I know you've already heard this, but I'm going to say it again...
Women come and go, never change who and what you are for a piece of tail... You might as well move on, for once she finds out you can't be controlled she'll move on to someone she can control...
edited to add: And no, I'm not a 'divorced loner', just someone who's seen enough life to recognize patterns in the chaos...
Women come and go, never change who and what you are for a piece of tail... You might as well move on, for once she finds out you can't be controlled she'll move on to someone she can control...
edited to add: And no, I'm not a 'divorced loner', just someone who's seen enough life to recognize patterns in the chaos...
Yeah, sure beats a divorce where she tries to get the judge to SELL your guns to pay for her!
That said, my wife hates guns. She has nothing to do with them, but she tolerates me. I don't try to force her. Plan is to eventually get some female to take her shooting. 'Eventually' has run on to 19 years this year.
Meanwhile, both my kids like to shoot, so it isn't all bad.
The Doc is out now.
kristop64089
New member
I didn't read all 3 pages so pardon me if this has been said...
I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
I like a challenge. If you say "no", I say "yes". What if he can swing her?
Hell If I were you, I would make it my mission, to convert her. I'd bet it could be done. Just don't come off to strong.
Invite her along, include her on the little stuff. If she is competitive, get her in on some trick shooting, or long range shooting.
Have her read Pax's stuff, it's great(my wife loves it). Get her involved with some female shooters, that are more like her.
Guy's we don't want to make anymore enemies here. If he dumps her over this, she might paint him as a "gun totin' freak", and we don't need it. Explain to her her dad grew up in a more civil time, or say something like the cliche' "I wear seat belts, and i don't plan on wrecking".
I would lay low, and take baby steps. If you approach this with patience, i bet she will concede.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
I like a challenge. If you say "no", I say "yes". What if he can swing her?
Hell If I were you, I would make it my mission, to convert her. I'd bet it could be done. Just don't come off to strong.
Invite her along, include her on the little stuff. If she is competitive, get her in on some trick shooting, or long range shooting.
Have her read Pax's stuff, it's great(my wife loves it). Get her involved with some female shooters, that are more like her.
Guy's we don't want to make anymore enemies here. If he dumps her over this, she might paint him as a "gun totin' freak", and we don't need it. Explain to her her dad grew up in a more civil time, or say something like the cliche' "I wear seat belts, and i don't plan on wrecking".
I would lay low, and take baby steps. If you approach this with patience, i bet she will concede.
Just be a good example of a gun owner. My wife hates guns, was mad when I bought mine, has never shot them etc. but has mellowed on the issue. If I got drunk all the time and acted stupid with them then guns would be a big problem. I think also deep down she knows if the economy, neighborhood etc. starts getting worse, a gun is a good thing to own.
chucksolo69
Moderator
The bottom line is: The woman should care for you the way you are. Trying to change someone never works. I have been married for 18 years and yes, my wife had a fit when I brought my guns into our new home, and when I bought my motorcycle; but, you know what, too bad. These are the things I enjoy if she doesn't care about me enough to know that I can't help her. I accept her hobbies (her's ain't dangerous she says) and she's gonna have to accept mine because I am not going to drop them. I shot guns and rode bikes long before I met her. Live with it baby. Oh, and RainbowBob, that was very "Cosmopolitan" advice.
RainbowBob
New member
Huh?
If you're referring to the magazine - I've never read it...Apparently you have, so perhaps you can enlighten me.
The advice to "love 'em or leave 'em" just keeps pouring in - even though the OP made it clear he wasn't considering that course.
So let me say that in 30+ years of marriage, my wife and I have disagreed vehemently on any number of important issues. Eventually we come around to some kind of accommodation as the issues sort themselves out over time. There has been much strife and recriminations in some cases, but through it all, deep down, we knew several important things: We love each other, we are life-mates, and the stability and security of our family (including children, grandchildren, mothers, brothers, sisters, etc) is more important than any particular issue on which we disagree.
That does NOT mean either of us backs down from something we strongly believe in, or has to become somebody we are not comfortable being. It DOES mean that we're both too ornery to give up on each other or our family - no matter what.
We've mellowed with age, and are more inclined to accept the differences without as much noise as in the past. Our kids had to listen to plenty of it as they were growing up - but I can tell you they are glad we stuck it out and are still a family.
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Evan Thomas
Inactive
RainbowBob, you're a mensch. An entirely grown-up one -- my compliments.
I've been following this thread, a bit inattentively, and have also been struck by all the "dump her" posts. Leaving aside the fact that the the OP stated that "leaving her is not an option," I'd say that anyone who did think that's a good solution to the problem would be doing the girlfriend a favor by splitting: better she should find someone who's mature enough not to be threatened by disagreements, not so self-centered that he has to have his own way all the time, and who respects her right to have her own opinions.
Getting back to the original question, I'd say a good place to start would be, uh, just to have a conversation with her about why she feels the way she does -- not to try to change her mind right off, but just to understand where she's coming from... and to show respect for her feelings.
george fury wrote:
If she thinks shooting's fun, you're WAY ahead of the game. Take her shooting again, with your sister's .22. And again. And again. No pressure to do anything but have fun. Does your sister carry? Get her in on the conversation, sometime.
Good for you for acknowledging the possibility. It could well be that you are, especially as you're new to it yourself.
Nothing's easier than to go totallly nuts over a new enthusiasm and, at best, bore the stockings off everyone around you, and at worst, really annoy them... So show your GF that you do still have other interests. Including her.
I've been following this thread, a bit inattentively, and have also been struck by all the "dump her" posts. Leaving aside the fact that the the OP stated that "leaving her is not an option," I'd say that anyone who did think that's a good solution to the problem would be doing the girlfriend a favor by splitting: better she should find someone who's mature enough not to be threatened by disagreements, not so self-centered that he has to have his own way all the time, and who respects her right to have her own opinions.
Getting back to the original question, I'd say a good place to start would be, uh, just to have a conversation with her about why she feels the way she does -- not to try to change her mind right off, but just to understand where she's coming from... and to show respect for her feelings.
george fury wrote:
If she thinks shooting's fun, you're WAY ahead of the game. Take her shooting again, with your sister's .22. And again. And again. No pressure to do anything but have fun. Does your sister carry? Get her in on the conversation, sometime.
Good for you for acknowledging the possibility. It could well be that you are, especially as you're new to it yourself.
Nothing's easier than to go totallly nuts over a new enthusiasm and, at best, bore the stockings off everyone around you, and at worst, really annoy them... So show your GF that you do still have other interests. Including her. RainbowBob
New member
Guilty! Having arrived rather late to the party, I became an "instant expert"
on all things having to do with concealed carry, the 2A, self-defense issues, etc, etc. - anxious to educate every non-gunner I came in contact with on the importance of these issues. My wife (and others) wondered what the heck was going on and where it all came from. I tend to be VERY enthusiastic about every new thing I take up - researching and reading voraciously on the subject and climbing the learning curve as quickly as possible. I have come to realize that can look a little obsessive from the outside looking on. And somewhat tedious for those that aren't interested and have to listen.
chucksolo69
Moderator
All I am trying to say, is that I for one am getting sick of all those politically correct answers that seem to imply that one has to give up his guns and cojones or the woman walks. Love should be unconditional, you must go into a relationship where no one is going to try to change you. If someone wants to control who you are and what you feel, there is something wrong there. I have been married a long time. My marriage works, because we each have our own interests and some mutual ones as well. Nothing galls me more than seeing someone who is "joined at the hip" to someone else or is so "whipped" they have to ask permission to go to the bathroom. Marriage shouldn't be two bodies one mind!!! And as for a plain old girlfriend, until she is your wife, she should keep her comments to herself. Girlfriends shouldn't have so much clout unless YOU figure she's the only one that'll ever have you. If that's the case you have bigger problems pal.
srt 10 jimbo
New member
I grew up on a Farm Outside of Chicago and had just about every gun out there. I got Married in 88 and Wife(who's a Doctor) was very Anti-gun until a year ago when neighbors on both sides of us got robed. Now I'm working on getting all those guns back I had on the farm.
RainbowBob
New member
And I, for one, can assure you that I have given up neither, nor did I imply the OP should. Since you (chucksolo69) have also been married a long time, I'm sure you would agree that it isn't always hearts and roses. But a long-term commitment means you don't walk (or tell her to hit the road) the first time you don't see eye-to-eye on an issue.
kidcoltoutlaw
New member
Ask her this
Would you rather have a cop on the phone or a gun in your hand when you have a rapist kicking your door down,
Thanks,Keith
Would you rather have a cop on the phone or a gun in your hand when you have a rapist kicking your door down,
Thanks,Keith
chucksolo69
Moderator
You are absolutely correct Rainbowbob. Have you ever noticed these days though that there are a whole heck of a lot of cojones disappearing into wives handbags. This seems to be very prevalent among the 20-30something crowd. Heck, the other day, I know of one such couple where the wife refused to let her husband join a softball team at work because the league the team was in wasn't co-ed. However, she still has her "women" only clubs and activities she goes to. Unbelievable. But the worst part.........the sap didn't join the team!!!!
Evan Thomas
Inactive
And there you have it, folks...
For what it's worth, I don't think the OP said anything about his girlfriend wanting him to give up having guns, or them other things either, for that matter. She just doesn't like them (the guns, that is...
). They scare her. So why escalate the problem into one that involves emasculation? That's just feeding Freudian stereotypes about "gun nuts."RainbowBob
New member
Well...actually no. But then again, I haven't been looking for anyone's cojones - or in their wife's purses.
However, as a husband who dragged my wife and kids to a "Derelict League" softball tourney every Sunday for about 20 years - I can't imagine NOT playing ball just because I didn't have "permission".
[Note: the Derelict League was distinguished from the "legitimate" park leagues by the fact that there were no umpires, and the only two rules were that the "home" team brought the keg - and the losers paid for it. We played on a less-than-desirable ungroomed field full of rocks down by the rail yard. And even though we were breaking city park rules by bringing beer, the LEOs left us alone. But I digress.]
I also showed up in our driveway one day towing a new sailboat that I hadn't mentioned to my wife. To say she was less than pleased about spending that money without informing her is an understatement. This before we even owned a home and still had two kids in diapers!
[Note: When not playing softball (i.e., most Saturdays) - we would take the kids sailing, and had decades of adventures in so doing.]
So perhaps you can see that my wife has had to put up with quite a lot regarding my "enthusiasms" over the years - and becoming a new gunny was just another one. I'm grateful she didn't divorce me over any of those things (although I'm sure the thought crossed her mind more than once!). And I'm glad I've learned to seek her valuable opinion on important stuff that effects us both.
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I'm going to stick my nose back in just far enough to caution all of us to keep this from straying into a broader discussion on relationships. The OP had a legitimate firearm related question, and I think we would all hate to see this thread closed on him due to thread drift.
RainbowBob
New member
Once again...Guilty!
So I'll just say this to the OP: Let her know that arming yourself for self-defense and/or sport is important to you, that you have no intention of giving it up, but that you value her need to feel safe about it. And then demonstrate that by being safe. Take a class. Encourage her to join you. Make it fun. Don't beat her over the head with it (figuratively).
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