Joke
- Thread starter DC
- Start date
- Status
Seems like Little Mary had a real passion for ice cream. Her only problem, no money.
Along comes Johnny. He says, "Mary. if you let me have a look, I'll give you a nickle. So off they go behind a billboard, and Mary gives him a look, and collects her nickle.
A little later she runs into little Billy. "Hey Mary, I'll give you a dime if you let me look at it." Off to the signboard they go, where Mary collects her dime. Now she has enough to get an ice cream cone. While sitting on the curb, eating her ice cream and looking at the reflection of her bottom in a puddle she says," You little moneymaker, if you had teeth, I'd give you a bite."
Paul B.
COMPROMISE IS NOT AN OPTION!
Along comes Johnny. He says, "Mary. if you let me have a look, I'll give you a nickle. So off they go behind a billboard, and Mary gives him a look, and collects her nickle.
A little later she runs into little Billy. "Hey Mary, I'll give you a dime if you let me look at it." Off to the signboard they go, where Mary collects her dime. Now she has enough to get an ice cream cone. While sitting on the curb, eating her ice cream and looking at the reflection of her bottom in a puddle she says," You little moneymaker, if you had teeth, I'd give you a bite."
Paul B.
COMPROMISE IS NOT AN OPTION!
hksigwalther
New member
"100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy"
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you lost or
gained weight.
10. Drycleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels you don't
have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the
opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. (Unless
you smash them into the boards.)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support
group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to
panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10
minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make
you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt
every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original
color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's
feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your
waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls
hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when
you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the
meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from
getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices
your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your
buddy without ever thinking He
must be mad at me.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements
to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving
yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station
because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what
you're wearing.
69. Same work ... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an
emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you
behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double
the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're
talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with
your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper
imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go
to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,
he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy
phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity
because you are not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is
funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can
bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays
and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great
sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with,
"So ... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
------------------
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you lost or
gained weight.
10. Drycleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels you don't
have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the
opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. (Unless
you smash them into the boards.)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support
group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to
panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10
minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make
you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt
every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original
color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's
feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your
waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls
hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when
you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the
meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from
getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices
your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your
buddy without ever thinking He
must be mad at me.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements
to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving
yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station
because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what
you're wearing.
69. Same work ... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an
emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you
behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double
the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're
talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with
your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper
imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go
to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,
he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy
phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity
because you are not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is
funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can
bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays
and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great
sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with,
"So ... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
------------------
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in
the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses
raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe
and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one
directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the
pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It
heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a near by street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the
roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out
onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a
lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just
then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog
and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright
and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in
the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses
raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe
and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one
directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the
pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It
heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a near by street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the
roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out
onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a
lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just
then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog
and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright
and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad
T-SHIRT MESSAGES
"My Wife and I Married for Better or Worse - She Couldn't Do Better and I Coundn't Do Worse"
"Filthy Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Upon Advise of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam"
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man - I'v Been Parcticing Since 1943"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"
"If GOD Had Wnated Me to Touch My Toes, HE Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is For Quiters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
"My Wife and I Married for Better or Worse - She Couldn't Do Better and I Coundn't Do Worse"
"Filthy Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Upon Advise of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam"
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man - I'v Been Parcticing Since 1943"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"
"If GOD Had Wnated Me to Touch My Toes, HE Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is For Quiters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
Gunslinger
Moderator
When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like granpa.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I got these next two from
http://www.fireweb.com/jokes.html
In March 1992 Andy Mikula living in Dickson City near Scranton, Pennsylvania, received a bill for his as yet unused credit
card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April Andy received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn’t send them $0.00 by return post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it. The following month
Andy decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been
canceled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of
it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, Andy Mikula’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy
explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was
causing the computer to crash.
The following month Andy received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he
now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
Andy, who had been considering buying his wife Eileen a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
---------------------------------------------
The Blonde Boater
A True Story, if she had killed herself she’d be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award (might be a problem in the gene pool).
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was
having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t
get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
http://www.fireweb.com/jokes.html
In March 1992 Andy Mikula living in Dickson City near Scranton, Pennsylvania, received a bill for his as yet unused credit
card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April Andy received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn’t send them $0.00 by return post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it. The following month
Andy decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been
canceled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of
it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, Andy Mikula’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy
explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was
causing the computer to crash.
The following month Andy received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he
now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
Andy, who had been considering buying his wife Eileen a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
---------------------------------------------
The Blonde Boater
A True Story, if she had killed herself she’d be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award (might be a problem in the gene pool).
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was
having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t
get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
- Status