Joke
- Thread starter DC
- Start date
- Status
Bruce,
Great post! I'll admit to scoring (ahem) maybe twenty....something.
I especially like Condition Orange upon seeing Clinton. I spent nearly a half hour explaining that to my 87 y/o Mom. She appreciated it, then said, "It's a good thing Will Rogers is no longer alive. With Clinton in office, can you see Will Rogers trying to say, 'I never met a man I didn't like'?"
(Scratch one yellow dog Democrat!
)
Great post! I'll admit to scoring (ahem) maybe twenty....something.
I especially like Condition Orange upon seeing Clinton. I spent nearly a half hour explaining that to my 87 y/o Mom. She appreciated it, then said, "It's a good thing Will Rogers is no longer alive. With Clinton in office, can you see Will Rogers trying to say, 'I never met a man I didn't like'?"
(Scratch one yellow dog Democrat!
)Gunslinger
Moderator
I'm not quite as bad as Mal H. I only scored 23, 24 if you can count refinishing your bedroom furnature with Tru-Oil. But I plan to use the clay pigeon ash tray idea!
True story. A couple of months ago my MOTHER was complaining to me she was running low on .44 mag. ammo. After scrounging around in kitchen, bedroom drawers, glovebox, etc. and managed to locate a little over 300 rounds. (She has a Lew Horton 2 1/2" 629 as her constant companion. She's just a sweet little ol' lady just dreaming of the day some poor unsuspecting would be criminal attempts to "car Jack" her her 4X4. )
HS. I was wondering if you'd have any.......well.....insight regarding the Australian virgin joke.
True story. A couple of months ago my MOTHER was complaining to me she was running low on .44 mag. ammo. After scrounging around in kitchen, bedroom drawers, glovebox, etc. and managed to locate a little over 300 rounds. (She has a Lew Horton 2 1/2" 629 as her constant companion. She's just a sweet little ol' lady just dreaming of the day some poor unsuspecting would be criminal attempts to "car Jack" her her 4X4.
)HS. I was wondering if you'd have any.......well.....insight regarding the Australian virgin joke.
Gunslinger
Moderator
There was a some what confused little ol' lady in a nursing home that decided one day to strip off all of her cloths and tie a bed sheet around her neck. She then went running amuck through the facility with her "cape" flowing behind her yelling 'SUPER PU**Y'! First down the hall. Then darting into various rooms. Around the nurses station and on. All the While shouting 'SUPER PU**Y'!
Eventually she ran to an old man sitting alone and again shouted 'SUPER PU**Y'! The old man slowly looked up, thought the idea over and said, 'I think I'll have the soup.'
Eventually she ran to an old man sitting alone and again shouted 'SUPER PU**Y'! The old man slowly looked up, thought the idea over and said, 'I think I'll have the soup.'
Mike in VA
New member
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning And sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's Stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no - not the Breathalyzer again!"
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You shoulda bought a hat!"
Geezin' in VA, M2
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning And sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's Stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no - not the Breathalyzer again!"
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You shoulda bought a hat!"
Geezin' in VA, M2
Mike in VA
New member
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning And sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's Stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no - not the Breathalyzer again!"
***************
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You shoulda bought a hat!"
Geezin' in VA, M2
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning And sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's Stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no - not the Breathalyzer again!"
***************
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You shoulda bought a hat!"
Geezin' in VA, M2
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time he sees a guy stagger out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble around for his keys for 5 mins.
The guy finally gets in his car and it takes him another 5 min to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else left and drove off.
When he finally pulls out of the parking lot, the cop tails him for a block, pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
Amazed the cop says "How is this possible?"
The guy says "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"
------------------
"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes"
The guy finally gets in his car and it takes him another 5 min to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else left and drove off.
When he finally pulls out of the parking lot, the cop tails him for a block, pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
Amazed the cop says "How is this possible?"
The guy says "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"
------------------
"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes"
A fellow heard the was a new house of ill repute opening up so he went to check it out. The madam let him in and tells him that she has the perfect girl for him. She takes him to a beautiful room, decorated all in blue. On the bed is the most gorgeous brunette he has ever seen. He spends the night, and it is the most fantastic night he has ever had. In the morning, the madam tells him his good time is free.
The next night he goes to the house again, and asks the madam for the same girl. He's told the girl is occupied for the night, and leads him to another room, decorated in bronze and copper. The girl is a ravishing redhead. Another fantastic all nighter goes by, and again, it's free.
The next night he goes to the house again, and is taken to a room, decorated in gold. A drop dead gorgeous blond, another great free night.
Again he goes to the house, and is told that all the girls he's been with are taken. Oh well, gimme whatever's available. The room is totally filthy, overrun with rats and roaches, and the woman is so ugly she makes Janet Reno look great. After a very dissatisfying night, as he is leaving, the madam say he owes $1,000. "What?" He cried. "Three nights with the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and they are free, but you want a grand for that ugly old hag? WHY?" "Because" said the madam,"Last night you weren't on TV."
Paul B.
COMPROMISEIS NOT AN OPTION!
The next night he goes to the house again, and asks the madam for the same girl. He's told the girl is occupied for the night, and leads him to another room, decorated in bronze and copper. The girl is a ravishing redhead. Another fantastic all nighter goes by, and again, it's free.
The next night he goes to the house again, and is taken to a room, decorated in gold. A drop dead gorgeous blond, another great free night.
Again he goes to the house, and is told that all the girls he's been with are taken. Oh well, gimme whatever's available. The room is totally filthy, overrun with rats and roaches, and the woman is so ugly she makes Janet Reno look great. After a very dissatisfying night, as he is leaving, the madam say he owes $1,000. "What?" He cried. "Three nights with the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and they are free, but you want a grand for that ugly old hag? WHY?" "Because" said the madam,"Last night you weren't on TV."
Paul B.
COMPROMISEIS NOT AN OPTION!
You know your coffee intake is too much when......
...Jaun Valdez names his donkey after you.
...you have not blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
...you can type 60 words/minute, with your feet.
...you ski uphill.
...you get a speeding ticket when you're parked.
...you speed walk in your sleep.
...you answer the door before people knock.
...you just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
...you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
...you sleep with your eyes open.
...you have to watch videos on fast forward.
...you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away and your camera does not have a selftimer.
...you lick your coffee pot clean.
...the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
...your neighbors complain about the sound of your heart beat.
...you can jump start a car without cables.
...all your kids are named "Joe."
...you don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
...you walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it is not plugged in.
...you've built a minature city out of little plastic stirrers.
...people get dizzy watching you.
...you are so wired, you pick up FM.
...instant coffee takes too long.
...you can channel surf faster without the remote.
...your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
...you'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
...you keep other people awake from the cafeine on your breath.
...you short out motion detectors.
...you can out last the ENERGIZER BUNNY(tm).
...you don't wait for the water to boil anymore.
...your nervous twitch is measured on the Richter scale.
...your Thermos has wheels.
...you've worn out the third pair of tennis shoes this week.
...your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
...you chew on other people's fingernails.
...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
...regular lights look like strobes.
...your taste buds are so numb you could drink a Lava lamp.
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 21, 1999).]
...Jaun Valdez names his donkey after you.
...you have not blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
...you can type 60 words/minute, with your feet.
...you ski uphill.
...you get a speeding ticket when you're parked.
...you speed walk in your sleep.
...you answer the door before people knock.
...you just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
...you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
...you sleep with your eyes open.
...you have to watch videos on fast forward.
...you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away and your camera does not have a selftimer.
...you lick your coffee pot clean.
...the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
...your neighbors complain about the sound of your heart beat.
...you can jump start a car without cables.
...all your kids are named "Joe."
...you don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
...you walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it is not plugged in.
...you've built a minature city out of little plastic stirrers.
...people get dizzy watching you.
...you are so wired, you pick up FM.
...instant coffee takes too long.
...you can channel surf faster without the remote.
...your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
...you'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
...you keep other people awake from the cafeine on your breath.
...you short out motion detectors.
...you can out last the ENERGIZER BUNNY(tm).
...you don't wait for the water to boil anymore.
...your nervous twitch is measured on the Richter scale.
...your Thermos has wheels.
...you've worn out the third pair of tennis shoes this week.
...your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
...you chew on other people's fingernails.
...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
...regular lights look like strobes.
...your taste buds are so numb you could drink a Lava lamp.
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 21, 1999).]
Two guys (of undisclosed nationality), let's call then Bob and Joe, are out hunting in the woods when they find themselves hopelessly lost. Bob says "when we're lost, we are supposed to shot three times into the air and wait for help." So they shoot three times into the air and wait for an hour for help, but it does not arrive.
Joe said, "maybe we should try again." So they shoot three times into the air, and this time they wait even longer, but no help arrives. Things are starting to look grim. Bob said, "We should try this again." and Joe, frustrated, says, "OK, but it better work this time... we're down to our last three arrows!"
Joe said, "maybe we should try again." So they shoot three times into the air, and this time they wait even longer, but no help arrives. Things are starting to look grim. Bob said, "We should try this again." and Joe, frustrated, says, "OK, but it better work this time... we're down to our last three arrows!"
Ken and HS, I bow to your superior nuttiness. (HS, I'm worried about you. 100% AND carnal knowledge with 'roos? 
).68 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, "Sex and Candy".
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself, loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this S***, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, >"I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "Hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good Bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "Hi!!!! giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Those who are most immature are the ones who refuse to be childlike.
------------------
The needs of the many out way the needs of the few.
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, "Sex and Candy".
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself, loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this S***, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, >"I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "Hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good Bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "Hi!!!! giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Those who are most immature are the ones who refuse to be childlike.
------------------
The needs of the many out way the needs of the few.
hksigwalther
New member
I gotta say, KNIGHT, those were hilarious.
- Ron V.
------------------
- Ron V.
------------------
Gunslinger
Moderator
HS if you scored 100% on the "gun nut" thread I've just gotta ask;
How'd your sweetie look in the sexy camo undies?
Gunslinger
How'd your sweetie look in the sexy camo undies?
Gunslinger
Little Johnny is sitting on the curb one day playing with a can of lighter fluid. Pastor Jones walks by and notices what Johnny is doing. "What are you doing Johnny?", he asks. Johnny replies,"Pastor Jones, I'm playing with the most powerful liquid in the world." "Johnny," the Pastor explains, "you know that Holy water is really the most powerful liquid in the world. In fact, If you put a drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby boy." Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Heck Pastor Jones, you put a drop of lighter fluid on a cat's @$$, it'll pass a motorcycle!"
Ron
Detroit Area Chapter
Terra Haute Torque and Recoil Society
Ron
Detroit Area Chapter
Terra Haute Torque and Recoil Society
HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Arkansas Nice Tits
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 23, 1999).]
English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Arkansas Nice Tits
------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 23, 1999).]
- Status