Joke

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A fella is out in the woods, hunting rabbits with his trusty .22, when he spies a giant, trophy-size black bear, not 25 yards away. He's undergunned, but it's so close, so he throws the .22 to his shoulder, aims, and lets fly. The bear drops on the spot.

He pushes through the woods to claim his trophy -- but the bear's gone. Puzzled, he looks around -- and a great, hairy paw reaches over, snatched the .22 and bends it into a pretzel. It's the bear -- totally unharmed.

'All right,' says the bear. 'You're gonna have to be punished. Drop your pants and undies and lie face down over that log.'

After the bear has had his wicked way with the hapless hunter, he disappears into the woods.

Mortified -- and more than a little sore -- our hunter races home. He wrenches the old 'thutty-thutty' off the wall and heads back into the woods.

Sure enough, he spies the bear again. He knows it's the same bear because of the big, satisfied grin on its face. He stalks closer -- 100 yards, 70 yards, 40 yards -- he can't miss.

Two quick shots, as fast as he can work the action, and the bear drops on the spot.

'Got you!' our hunter cries.

But before he can move, he hears a noise behind him. He turns fearfully, and there's the bear -- untouched -- rearing up on his back legs, teeth bared. Terrified, the hunter drops his rifle.

'You again!' says the bear. 'OK, you know the drill -- drop the pants and the undies and bend over and grasp your ankles.'

Two hours later our friend the hunter is back in the woods, with his brand new Rigby .416 double, loaded, cocked and ready to roar.

He finds the bear asleep, under a tree. Carefully, he lines up and lets both barrels rip at once! When the smoke clears, there's no sign of the bear.

Then there's a gentle tap on his shoulder. fearfully he turns to find -- the bear, unharmed.

'Look,' says the bear, not unkindly, as the trembling hunter begins to undo his trousers for the third time. 'Be honest with me -- you're not really in this just for the hunting, are you?'
 
So there seem to be this string of bear jokes. Here's another, but much cleaner

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news.
The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt.
Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
 
A man walks in to a restroom at a bar and as he's at the urinal, doing his business, a small man, wearing green from head to toe enters and begins to use the urinal next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, the man notices that this small man has the largest member he's ever seen. It appears to be a foot and a half long!

After the man finishes, he says to the short man, "Don't take this the wrong way but, that's the biggest penis I've ever seen!"

The short man in green replies, in a thick Irish accent, "Why thank you. I made it!"

"What do you mean you made it?" asks the puzzled man.

"I'm a leprechaun, of course. I made it," states the short man in green.

As the wheels in the man's head begin to turn he asks, "Um, could you, uh…make one for me?"

The leprechaun replies thoughtfully, "Aye laddy, I could, but it would be very difficult"

The man pleads, "Please, anything you want. I'm pretty rich and can pay you a lot!"

"I need no money as I have a pot of gold, of course. You would have to do something for me," says the leprechaun.

"Anything, anything!" pleads the man.

"For that, I would have to a…a…do you in the butt!" contemplates the leprechaun.

Shocked, the man thinks for a few minutes, then finally decides that it would be worth it to have such an impressive old fella in the trousers and says, "Alright. I'll do it."

"Right! Into the stall with you! Trousers down!' the leprechaun says gleefully.

A few minutes after having mounted the man, the short man in green asks, "How old are you laddy?"

"ow, 32, ow, why?" gasps the man.

"And you still believe in leprechauns, eh?"
 
Rob and Rich are walking through the woods rabbit hunting. They've gone quite a ways and are walking down this game trail when suddenly, from around the bend comes the biggest, ugliest, meanest, Grizzly Bear that either one of them has ever even HEARD of!
The Griz takes one look at the two guys and rears up on it's hind legs, gives out the most blood curdling ROOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR!!! Rob immediately shrugs off his pack, bends down and starts tightening the laces on his boots.
Rich says, "Are you nuts? There's no way in Hell that you can outrun that bear!"

Rob smiles sweetly, and says,
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I've just gotta outrun YOU!"

:D :D :D :D :D

(Sorry guys!)

------------------
Your mind is your primary weapon.
 
The king of a small jungle nation was given a shortwave radio and started listening to NPR and the "save the animals" group. He decided that there would be no more hunting or killing of animals in his kingdom.

The subjects of the king obeyed his edict and all hunting and killing of animals stopped. The beasts multiplied and they started eating the crops the natives needed to survive after they stopped eating meat. A deligation went to the king and plead with him to allow them to kill some of the animals because the subjects were starving. The king refused to allow hunting, even on a limited basis, to resume.

The numbers of animals continued to grow and the carnivors started to eat natives, not many, one or two a day. This was the final straw, the subjects stormed the king's palace, took him to the square and hung him. They then resumed hunting and the numbers of animals soon returned to a managible number.

This was the first case of a reign being called because of game.

:D :D :D
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Ne Conjuge Nobiscum


[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 13, 1999).]

[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 13, 1999).]
 
Jim V: Obviously, I gotta pass this along to the ex-wife.

Dennis: Boy, yo' sick! Sick, sick, sick!

If "If at first you don't succeed..." is your motto in life, don't take up sky-diving...

Ta, ta, Art
 
A young man, shortly after high school, decides to join the Army. He's infantry and volunteers to go Airborne, and off he goes to jump school.

The young man receives his first leave. His father, having wanted to go Airborne himself, is excited to talk to his son.

"Son, what was your first jump like? Were you scared?" asks the eager father.

"Well, dad, I don't mind telling you that I was scared to death. In fact I was the last man in my stick and I really didn't want to go," replies the young soldier.

"You don't say. Well, keep going, keep going," goads the father.

"I got up to the door, looked out, and froze. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity with the jumpmaster screaming 'Go! Go! Go!' in my ear, the jumpmaster said, 'Look boy, if you don't jump out that door in the next 5 second, I'm going to nail you in the can!'"

"The suspense is killing me! Did you jump? Did you jump?" asks the father.

The soldier replies, "Oh, hell yes I jumped. Well, a little at first."


[This message has been edited by Destructo6 (edited April 14, 1999).]
 
Ken, great joke. Reminds me of always using the buddy system when swimming in shark infested waters. If attacked, throw him your buddy!

Ron L
Detroit Area Chapter
Terra Haute Torque and Recoil Society
 
A bear & a rabbit are having a crap in the woods.

The bear asks "hey bunny, does sh#t ever stick to your fur" ?

"Nope" replys the bunny.

So on hearing this the bear promptly grabs the bunny & wipes his butt with him !

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"The Gun from Down Under !"
 
HS
Dang! That's the one I came in here to tell tonight!
Too slow on the draw I guess!
I still laughed when I read it. It should be titled;
"Bad day for Brer' Rabbit!" :D



------------------
Your mind is your primary weapon.
 
On MSNBC's web page they were commenting on the latest attacks, one of these comments was a satalite relay station that handles most of the areas phone traffic. " ,but details of damage filtered out only slowly because of the dificulties in establishing phone links." What do you think about that Rat.

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I want a Heckler&Koch MP-5K with the tactical briefcase for my birthday!!!!
 
This one came in as 'spam' - if it infringes a TFL members copyright, my apologies; if a non member, my apologies and invitation to join up :)

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job -
if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate easily to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter,
"Ask him where da money is.
The interpreter signs,
"Where's the money?"
The deaf man signs,
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
The interpreter tells the hood,
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs,
"Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs,
"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the
West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood,
"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
For those of you who have to do employee evaluations or have ever been evaluated: these quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
(34) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
Rob, Rich, 4V50 Gary, and I are standing with St Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter explains that we will spend the rest of eternity in the mansions we built while on earth according to the way we lived our lives...

ST Peter walks us down a gold paved road to a large mansion. He opens the door and gently pushes 4V50 Gary inside. Waiting for him is a big fat ugly woman... 4V50 Gary screams "NO!" as the door shuts...

We move on to Rob's new home. Bigger, nicer home. St Peter opens the door and waiting for poor Rob is a scrawny, acne covered little troll like woman... "NO!" SLAM. Poor Rob.

We move to Rich's home. St Peter opens the door and waiting there for him is the most gorgeous, sexy, woman, holding both a new Steyr Rifle, and keys to a new boat. Rich struts on in and Peter shuts the door.

I ask Peter about that - ever one else is getting fuggly women, and Rich gets a bombshell.

Peter smiles and says "Rich was HER punishment!"

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"There is no Spoon"

[This message has been edited by Kodiac (edited April 14, 1999).]
 
A little boy came down for breakfast. Since he and his family lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet" he replied. His mother then told him that he couldn't have any breakfast until he finished his chores.
Well, he became a little upset, so as he fed the chickens, he vented his frustration by kicking a chicken across the coop. He then walked over to the barn to feed the cows, and ended up kicking a cow in her hindquarters. Finally, while feeding the hogs, he gave one old sow a swift kick right between her running lights.
Feeling much better, he sat down at the kitchen table and his mother brought him a bowl of dry cereal. The little guy looked up and said "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why can't I have milk on my cereal?" With that, his mother gently explained "I saw you kick the chicken, cow and pig. That's why you aren't having any of the good things they provide this morning." About that time, the boy's father walked into the kitchen, still half asleep. He then punted the family cat all the way across the kitchen. The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "Well, are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 
Three ministers and their wives were driving one day when a terrible accident killed them all. They found themselves at the pearly gates waiting to be judged by Saint Peter.
The first minister steps up and ST. Peter looks at him and says "I'm sorry, but you can't come in." The minister is shocked, "what do you mean I can't come in! I'm a minister of Gods word. I've spent my life teaching the gospel!
St Peter replies "Yours is the sin of greed. All your life you have hoarded away money, deprived your family to save money and always lusted for more. You even went so far as to marry a woman named Penny."
The Second minister steps up and again St. Peter says : "I'm sorry, you can't come in."
"What! Why not?"
"You lust after alcohol. Secretly drinking while doing the Lords work. You even went so far as to marry a woman named Brandy."
The third minister turns to his wife and says "Come on Fannie, we should leave."

[This message has been edited by Grayfox (edited April 15, 1999).]
 
Signs to be hung where appropriate :


New work incentive - Work or be fired !


Shoplifters will be cheerfully beaten to a pulp ! -

(looks nice surrounded by flowers)

The dead do come to life - Be here at quitting time !

Joke :

One day the brain decides to go on a holiday.


Having to find a replacement to run the body the brain asks all the other body parts to apply.


The arms & hands are too busy writing & holding things.

The legs groan the're supporting the whole body.


The feet are sore & tired & not willing.


Finally the rectum comes to the rescue as it's only used once every 24 hrs & has lots of free time.

Well the rectum does a wonderful job of running the body - the brain has a perfect holiday.

The moral of the sory ?


It just proves that you have to be

an @sshole to be a boss ! ;) :)

------------------
"The Gun from Down Under !"



[This message has been edited by HS (edited April 15, 1999).]
 
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