Joke

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DC

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A friend from Montana just sent this to me:

A Californian, a Texan and a Montanan, attending
a convention in a
little town just outside Las Vegas, were
standing in a seedy bar
enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer and
knocked it back in one
gulp. He then threw the glass against the back
wall smashing it to
pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that
the standard of living
was so high in California that they never drank
out of the same glass
twice.

The Texan finished his margarita and threw his
glass against the back
wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not
only were they all rich
from oil but they had so much sand that glass
was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.

The Montanan drank his beer, drew his revolver
and shot the Californian
and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to
his holster he told the
wide-eyed bartender that in Montana they had so
many Californians and
Texans they never had to drink with the same
ones twice.
 
Dateline Boston on a Sunday during Puritan times....

Brother Brown comes out of church and meets Brother Jones walking up the street carrying a musket.

Brown: Brother Jones! Whyfor doest thou carry thy musket on a Sunday? Doest thou not realize that if thy time has come, thy time has come?

Jones pauses, then replies: Verily Brother Brown, what thou sayest is the truth. But what if, perchance, I should meet with an Indian - whose time has ALSO come?
 
Okay,

How about the Quaker who found a burglar in his house and pointed a shotgun at the intruder. "You would not hurt me," said the robber, "you are a Quaker."

"I would not harm thee for the world," replied the member of the Society of Friends, "but thou standeth where I am about to shoot."
 
It is a custom is Sicily for boys to receive a sawed-off shotgun (Lumpera) for his 12th
birthday, provided he has been a good boy and always obeys his father. Little Giovanni is celebrating his 12th birthday and his Father has just presented him with his very own Lumpera. Giovanni is so proud, he wants all his friends to see his new Lumpera, so Papa says he may take it to school and show it off. The next day Giovanni goes off to school with his new Lumpera and as he is parading it around the schoolyard little Pietro comes over to make a closer inspection. "Eh, Giovanni, that is a beautiful Lumpera, You must be very proud" sprouts Pietro "I am so proud, I would not give it up for anything in the world." says Giovanni. "Well that sure is a nice Lumpera, but look at this gold Rolex my father gave me on my 12th birthday. It cost $8000 U.S. Dollars, but I would trade you even-up for your Lumpera, what do you say?" The wheels began to turn in Giovanni's head "Hmmmmm, this Lumpera probably cost my old man about a hundred bucks, so he won't he be tickled when I come home with a $8000 Rolex instead." Down the lane comes Giovanni, waving the Rolex as he calls to his father "Papa, Papa, I traded my new Lumpera for this gold Rolex, $8000 U.S. dollars, pretty good trade, eh Papa?" Giovanni's father took him to one side and related to him a very important story of life. "Giovanni, my son, one day you will grow to be a handsome young man, find a good paying job, meet the woman of your dreams, get married........... then, one day, you will come home early...... and to your horror, you will find her in bed with your best friend.....then what are you going to do??????..... you gonna look at you gold Rolex watch and say.... "Hey, Pietro time to go home!!!!!"

[This message has been edited by John (edited April 03, 1999).]
 
Okay, try this one on.

This Panda walks into a resturant and sits down at a table. He orders dinner and drinks.
Later he finishes his meal and his drink.
The panda pushes back his chair, stands up and pulls out a pair of Desert Eagle .44s and blow all Hell out of the resturant. He then holsters the pistols and heads for the door.
The bartender pokes his head over the bar and hollers, "Hey! What the hell was that all about?"
The Panda turns back and says,
"I'm a Panda. Look it up!" and then leaves.

Later that day, the bartender gets out the Dictionary and looks up "Panda."

Panda, (n) Member of the bear family native to Northern China. Eats shoots and leaves.
:D :D :D :D


------------------
Your mind is your primary weapon.
 
From USAF press release...

Yugoslav Army has treacherously attacked American planes that were peacefully bombing Belgrade. The provocation shall not go unpunished!"
 
Hercules, Helen of Troy, and Quasimodo were standing around BSing about things, when the subject of superiority came up.

Hercules states, "I am the stongest man in the world!" Helen and Quasimodo agreed that while he was strong, perhaps there was someone stronger that they had not met.

Helen says, "While the strength of Hercules is in doubt, I am certainly the most beautiful woman in the world." While conceding that Helen was pretty hot, Hercules and Quasimodo wouldn't confirm her assertion.

Quasimodo laughs and says, "Ha! I know that I'm the ugliest person on the face of the world!" After being denied their own superiority in their own areas, Helen and Hercules weren't about to hand it to Quasimodo, so they each claimed to have seen someone at least as ugly.

With a dilemma on their hands, they decided to see the Oracle at Delphi: certainly she would know if they were truly at the top of their fields.

After finally reaching Delphi, Hercules entered the temple first. Ten minutes later, he emerges yelling, "I AM the strongest man in the world!!!"

Helen was next. After ten minutes, she appears and says, "I knew I was the most beautiful woman in the world and the Oracle confirmed it."

Finally, Quasimodo enters the temple. Almost an hour later, he emerges, looking lost and dejected. Helen and Hercules ask, "What's wrong, are you not the ugliest person in the world?" Quasimodo lifts his head and asks, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?"
 
I loved the Panda joke!

My ex-wife always hated puns.

So...

Yup. She still hates puns.

[This message has been edited by Art Eatman (edited April 11, 1999).]
 
Art,
Glad you liked it.
When my wife and I shoot in 3D competition, we register as Team Panda!
:D :D :D :D :D

I liked the the Janet Reno joke best!


------------------
Your mind is your primary weapon.
 
I like every joke here. I'll remember not to drink with Montanans or rob Quakers. Used live near Amish so the "driveby" cracked me up. My Rottweiler would good on Clinton but I don't want the dog poisoned.
etc. etc.

Told my Mother (87 y/o) the Janet Reno joke and she laughed but then asked, "Is she really that ugly?"

I started to answer, "My God, Mom, are you blind?" Luckily, I remembered just in time, she is... (ooops!)

She then pointed out we have no business in Yugoslavia. She said, "... but if we must be there, then we should just kill them all - every single one. (smile) We could call it another example of American blind justice!"

My Mom, the comedian.*

* No, she didn't really mean it.
 
From time to time, a few of us would really like to “let loose” on another TFL
member. Should you ever feel this way, remember the benevolent king....

A south sea native tribe on a small, isolated island, was ruled by a benevolent king.
The king did not like outside interference in his domain and fought it until the
British finally won the king’s permission to rent a small part of the island.
As a sign of peace and respect, and as a reward for permitting the British to use
part of his island, the British gave the king a huge throne covered with a layer of
pure gold. It was gorgeous! The king loved it and made it the centerpiece of his
kingly grass hut.
Over time, however, the king found the golden throne uncomfortable. He went
back to his smaller, comfortable, wooden throne. He stored the big gold throne in
the attic of his grass hut so it could be put in place quickly when the British came to
visit. After all, he did not want to offend the British guests.
During a windstorm, the hut swayed somewhat, the flimsy attic floor gave way.
The heavy throne fell and crushed the king on his wooden throne.
The moral? “People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones!”
 
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