Why I carry at home, and why I wish my wife would........

it sounds like no amount of talking will convince her that it would be best for her to arm herself with a handgun. she knows the possibilities and still refuses. nothing you can do about it. i hear this story alot over time and have come to the conclusion that most women would rather be raped and beaten then defend themselves. i can't understand it, but that seems to be the case.
 
She never really gives me an answer. Often it's just a roll of the eyes or "I don't want to talk about this". I don't push, because she doesn't respond well to pushing.

She has told me (years ago) that she didn't like handguns. She hasn't directly said that in near 10 years though. Since then, she has shot with me at the range, not alot, not enough by my standards, but she has made an effort. Handguns, shotguns, and rimfire rifles. It takes a lot to get her to go and she doesn't go often. She knows how the various firearms here function (Ruger P-series autos and revolvers when it comes to handguns). We've worked on malfunction drills with the autos, but when it comes to handguns, she's more comfortable with the point and click nature of revolvers. That does not translate into her being comfortable enough to have a revolver on her or accessible when I'm away. The shotgun she's comfortable with.

I actually made the mistake of buying her a handgun about 5 years ago. She never took the class/got her permit or even carried it in her car. It stayed locked up in the safe until we sold it about 2 years ago.

Basically I'd like her to be more interested but I don't know how to get here there. I don't worry so much about her not knowing what to do, it's more of a worry about her being caught in a situation either at home or while out with nothing readily at hand.

As another measure, I'm considering adding a quick access safe to the mix and putting a GP100 loaded with .38+P's in it.
 
Okay. Then I'll give you my pretty-much-standard advice.

1) Stop lobbying. She's an adult & can make her own choices. Just because they aren't the choices you or I would make doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to make those choices for herself. It's frustrating, it's scary, it might even be heartbreaking ... but it is what it is. She's a grownup and she gets to choose how, when and whether she wants to protect herself.

2) Quit preaching about self defense. Ask questions instead. (Again, don't lobby! Questions get asked only when the subject comes up naturally, such as when talking about your co-worker as you're telling her about your day.) Ask stuff like, "... what would you do?" and "... what do you think?" and "... how would you respond if?" And then shut up. Don't ever, ever, ever answer those questions yourself unless and until she asks you; if she does ask you, say something vague and change the subject. Ask the questions, listen to her answers, move on. Don't provide the answers, because the goal here isn't about answers. The goal is simply to get the questions into her mind. If you answer those questions, she'll struggle against your answers instead of struggling with the questions. Ask the questions, move on. Don't preach, don't give the answers, don't argue.

3) When you invite her to the range, and she agrees to go, make it fun. Don't talk about self defense while you're at the range. Talk about how much fun it is. Shoot bull's eye targets. Or (depending on your wife's sense of humor) invading zombie targets. Or reactives like Necco wafers or Saltine crackers or jugs of water. Whatever seems most fun to you and to her. Don't let it be grim or negative. The goal is to get her as much practice as you possibly can, since she apparently doesn't mind shooting but has an aversion to self-defense talk. Better to let her learn in a fun playing-a-game atmosphere rather than preventing her from learning because she doesn't want to deal with self-defense topics.

Also, in terms of making it fun, if you can find another couple who are willing to visit the range with you, that's your best bet for an enthusiastic happy response from her. There really is something magic about getting other women to shoot alongside you, when you're new and otherwise reluctant. (Nobody ever outgrows peer pressure. ;) )

4) Continue to do what you do. Carry! Don't let her choices affect yours. Don't hide it, either. There will probably come a time when she is grateful you are there & prepared (not necessarily because something happened, but because something could have happened, or just because she realizes she feels "safe" with you). But it's quite likely that she won't be able to admit it aloud even if she feels like that. So don't get discouraged and don't hide what you do from her. Just matter-of-factly do it.

5) Since she does know how to shoot, do have a gun accessible at home for her. Make sure she knows where it is and how to get it, and then shut up about it. Don't expect her to use it, though. Again, she's an adult & gets to make her own choices, and you really really really really want to avoid pushing her (when someone pushes, the natural human inclination is to dig your heels in). So make it available but otherwise keep mum about it. Respect her right to make her own choices.

If she ever, even once, expresses concern about how safe you are with a firearm, ask her if she'd be willing to take a safety class with you, and follow through if the answer is lukewarm or better. Emphasize that you enjoy her company and it would be something fun you could do together. Meeting other couples and other women at the range really does help. If you play your cards right here, she'll think the class was her own idea, and be charmed that you took her concerns so seriously -- a win all the way around...

Hope some of that helps. Meanwhile of course, beef up security around your house, lights & locks etc. Be sure everyone in your home knows that the locks need to be used even during the day, not to answer the door without looking through the peephole, and so on. None of the passive security measures really help much if they're not used.

pax
 
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for what it's worth...

My ex was something like that. More communicative about it, though. It just boiled down to the fact that she was afraid of guns. Similar to a previous post, she would rather be victimized (though not raped/beaten) than defend herself. I was able to get her to carry pepper spray, but beyond that, she truly believed she could not shoot another person, no matter what. I believe she would use pepper spray against a rapist, but while she wouldn't admit it, she was afraid of that too.

Being mugged at knife point didn't change her perspective at all. I got her to shoot my 1911 a couple times, and she was actually quite a good shot. No problem at all hitting the bulls-eye at 5yds, from her very first shot on. But she would NEVER let me load more than one round in the mag. The idea of confronting her fear and taking responsibility for her own safety was absurd. That's what we pay the police for, she believed. Some people truly are sheep, I guess.

-Justin
 
The idea of confronting her fear ...
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Yeah, that one strikes a chord.

One woman I know (close relative) is terrified of firearms, and has been ever since she & her boyfriend were mugged 15 years ago. She's steadfastly refused to face that fear, never has talked about it. She'll talk about everything else in the entire world, but that fear and that subject are entirely off limits. I've watched over the years as her fear has gotten bigger and bigger and more powerful, like a smoldering cigarette stuck under a mattress that eventually flames into a huge out of control conflagration that burns down an entire neighborhood. It's ... there are no words to describe how sad it is to watch, or how frustrating it is to see it happening while being powerless to prevent it. All my words, all anyone's words, are meaningless against her fear. If she'd confronted it early, before it started to grow ... but she didn't. She piled fuel on top of it, and thought she was hiding it, when all she was doing was setting the stage for it to take over her life.

She broke her ankle last year, leaping wildly out of bed in the throes of a nightmare. She blames the gun that was in her dream...

:(

pax
 
Your wife seems to be comfortable around firearms but I think a bigger issue here is the reason to have her carry a weapon around the house.

There is a huge psychological step that you have to take before you can shoot another human being - you can't coerce her to take that step it is something she will become comfortable with (or accept). Do you really want her to point a loaded weapon at someone, **** him off, and not have the ability to pull the trigger?

My wife will throw things at an attacker, but the reality of a gun is that it is a tool used for killing. You aren't going to aim at a leg in the heat of a moment, you put rounds center mass. You kill people. My wife is not comfortable with that.

I am writing from Iraq now, so if she has a problem I just have enough faith that our deterrents will hold but you just accept some risk.

And there honestly isn't a door that will hold a determined attacker. Deter, yes. I also assume you have windows though... we can play out los of outlandish scenarios... Make yourself a hard target, understand how to defend yourself, accept risk that you choose not to mitigate.
 
Good stuff as always Pax.

I totally agree with this and this is pretty much where I am and have been for about a year or so. I stopped the gentle prodding to take the CC course. She really dug her heels in on that one. I was hoping that she and her friend would take the course together but that's not likely any longer.

I'll keep plodding along and beefing up the passive defenses. She went with me to Lowe's last night to pick up the bracebars. She thought it was a good idea and even mentioned that they'd be handy to take along for travel/hotels and such.

She's cool with me carrying, and actually feels safer (so she says) for the fact that I do. And I do carry EVERYWHERE that it's legal to do so. To the point of finding a postoffice with on street parking nearby and parking across the street from my daughter's school (at my church) so as not to have to leave it at home.

I looked at some additional lighting options last night too and will be upgrading/installing some new stuff soon. She is very good about keeping deadbolts locked and the flip latches we have up high on the door (forgot to mention those in the OP). Hopefully she'll use the brace bars regularly when I'm not home too. We've only had the alarm system for a few months, but she's been religious about keeping the perimeter sensors alarmed when we are home.

Thanks for everyone's input, and particular thanks to Pax.

Any additional passive security layers anyone can think of, throw them out there. Can't hurt to have too many layers. (Moats, alligators, etc.) Just kidding there of course............maybe.......:D.
 
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dead bolts don't really do anything. the average home has wood frames around the doors. a swift drop kick will rip the door from the frame.
 
My home security goes like this.
1/Cars always locked with alarms on them now.
2/front porch light on at all times
3/solid wood door,deadbolt's,and chain lock at the top so the kids don't get out.
4/ 6 night vision security camera's around my house with 2 of the 6 facing the either the cars or front porch.Every tv can be flipped over to video to see whats going on out side from any angle.
5/shotguns'loaded by the bed
6/I have a shogun belt with 25 rounds of 12 gauge on it along with my primary handgun,that i keep strapped around my waist at all times.
7/ my cell phone also clipped to my belt oh and a blue tooth head set on as well(keeps the hands free).
8 security alarm as well.
 
As far as keeping a round in the chamber not a good idea even cops normally don't do it. First of all there is the safety issue and second you can possibly weaken the hammer spring by keeping it under full tension all the time. keep it safety off, hammer down, that way its easy to chamber a round and she does not have to fumble for the safety.
 
<<What else am I missing structurally?>>

It may be too late now, but keep in mind that even a sturdy door can be kicked in. It's better to hang the door so that it opens outwards. It's pretty hard to kick a door out rather than in.

<<She has no interest in getting her own carry permit>>

She probably would not need one to carry in the house.
 
She probably would not need one to carry in the house.
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She wouldn't but she has no interest in carrying in the house either. I'd like for her to get her permit for carry outside the home, but that's not likely to happen any time soon.
 
It may be too late now, but keep in mind that even a sturdy door can be kicked in. It's better to hang the door so that it opens outwards. It's pretty hard to kick a door out rather than in.
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Bad idea... What happens when the perps take the hinges off the outside of the door, since it would open outward?

A much better bet would be to use a heavy solid wood core, or metal core door with at least one really strong deadbolt. Replace the wood door frame with metal studs. They ain't cheap, but then again neither is a casket.
 
My wife doesn't carry a gun and I am completely OK with that.

One of the first things I learned about firearms was: NEVER POINT A GUN AT SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DESTROY. (or something like that)

That being said, I think that some people do not use this simple rule when considering using a weapon for defensive purposes. The bottom line is that if you ever need to draw your weapon on another human being, even if that human being wishes to do you harm, you should not do so unless you are prepared to kill that person.

If you are hoping that a stern verbal warning while displaying your weapon will be enough to scare that aggressor, it won't.

If you are hoping that a stern verbal warning plus the sound of a hammer being cocked will be enough to scare that aggressor, it won't.

If you think your marksmanship skills are good enough to fire a wounding shot that will only subdue the aggressor without killing them, especially under extreme stress, they aren't.

I know this sounds like a "Well, duh!" comment, but DEAD IS FOREVER! Not everyone has the psychological makeup or stomach for killing another human being, regardless of the circumstances. Rest assured, when you kill another human being, even with the legal issues aside, your life will change forever.

The first thing you need to determine before insisting your loved one use a lethal weapon for self defense is to find out where her head is at when it comes to the issue of ending a human life by her own actions.

Whew!
Scott
 
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Pax - one disagreement

I'm a newb here, this is my first post...I am in the same boat as redneck. My wife is not interested in having guns in the house and won't engage when I bring it up. You suggested:

Stop Lobbying.......She's a grownup and she gets to choose how, when and whether she wants to protect herself.
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This is not entirely the case when she is responsible (by virtue of being a stay-at-home mom) for the safety and protection of OUR children. Her strong-headed refusal to acknowledge her powerlessness in the event of an incident like the one described imacts OUR children as much (or more) than just her.

This doesn't make it any easier to convionce her, but I think it is my responsibility to lobby for the protection of OUR children, even if it is annoying to her.
 
Bababooey32 (and everyone else),

Using lethal force to subdue an aggressor should be (IMHO) the LAST line of defense. Sure, your wife is responsible for the safety of your children, but as has been mentioned, what steps have you taken to secure your home to keep an aggressor out in the first place?

Have you even asked your wife if she could, with a clear conscience, kill another human being?

Have you given any thought to the possibility that in a moment of extreme stress during an armed attack, she accidentally kills one of your children? The aggressor may not always cooperate by giving her a clear unobstructed shot. She will have a fraction of a second to make her choice. This is why LEO's train for this over and over and over... and still they sometimes get it wrong.

All I ask is that you think long and hard before putting a lethal weapon in the hands of an amateur.

Scott
 
Just because you are home doesn't mean you are safe from attack. As the economy continues to worsen expect crimes such as home invasion to rise in a like manner. I live out in the "boonies" and while I don't carry a weapon on my person at all times I do keep one nearby just in case.
 
Any advice on how to get my wife to come around on the carry issue?
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Sometimes you can't. In that case you need to have a good "plan B" (and "C" and even "D").

My wife agreed to learn the basics of firearms safety and we practice them regularly. She also comes (once in a blue moon) to the range with me and is a moderately decent shot (especially considering how infrequently she trains)
BUT
She believes that she could not shoot another human being.

Well, I've had to bow to reality and come up with some alternatives because she is strong in her belief and there's no point in me badgering her into an option she won't use.

Just because you are home doesn't mean you are safe from attack.
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Yeah, I recently had a non-event that almost gave me a frikin heart attack before I learned what was really going on.
 
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