thank you for the overwhelming responses. i didn't mean for it to get into more than just guns. sure there is more to this story, but i dont feel this is the place to get into that, my concern is about a gun. i am confused as to which way to turn, do i just 'sneak' some training in and get one without him knowing, or do i wait until the timing is better. i would never use the gun on him unless it was a life or death matter, which most likely will not occur. i wanted it to protect myself when i am home alone with the children or late at night for that matter. i would also have to lock it up in a place where he could not get to it, normally i wouldn't worry about him doing anything 'stupid' but when he is on one of his rages i do worry. i am not irresponsible and would never take that chance of him getting his hands on it or even knowing where it is. i also have young children, i cant exactly teach them much because they might innocently mention it to dad. i do teach them the famous eagle eddie rules and that is about all i can teach them at this point. either way if i had a gun it has to be locked up for everyones safety. but does that do me any good then? if someone breaks in my home it will take me awhile to get to the gun, by that time it may be too late. safety for the entire family is my main concern, even for my husband. i just wish i could do all of this freely and not be blamed for something that just is not going on. i have heard the word control freak from a friend before, i guess it never occured to me thats what it is. hearing that over and over on this topic is now making me think more. i guess i just always thought for better or for worse and this is the worst, im just being tested. as for counseling, he doesnt think he has a problem, he says its me that has a problem. as for a troubled childhood, yes he had a terrible one. i guess i just feel guilty doing stuff like this behind his back i would never want to hurt him or go against his wishes, but i cant seem to understand why we have to like the same things all the time. im sure he would like shooting but he is not responsible to have a gun, and i would be in total fear if he ever had one. by letting him do that, that would make me irresponsible knowing he could be capable of doing something irrational. i do feel sorry for him he has a problem deep inside that i just cant fix for him, i did try many times. but now i am miserable because i can not do the things i enjoy without having to worry what his reaction is going to be. i apologize for the length of this thread, i apologize for the 'ultimate anonomous name', i am already embarrassed as it is and that is why i chose to do it this way. i also appreciate all the offers for me to email some of you, but i dont want to drag this on , i have probably already said too much. thank you though for your concern, i appreciate that more than you could ever know.