Not doing well with death of my dad

Skeeter,

To begin, I am VERY sorry about your father. It's wonderful that TFL is a community where we can share really important matters. I have been trying to figure out how to respond to your most poignant post, particularly since my Dad and I had such a great, long life together.

My Dad is 85, he's had Parkinson's for 15+ years, and he is quickly "winding down" both physically and mentally. This is an extremely sad journey for me, especially because he was always so mentally sharp and physically active. Now he has trouble discerning if it's night or day, walking few feet, understanding simple conversation, and so forth. While he's still with us -- and I certainly don't take that for granted -- his physical and mental incapacities are so debilitating that his "quality of life" (I hate that cliché, but can't think of a better way of saying it) is not good.

However, in my mind I talk with him all the time -- and he remains the incisive, good guy he was throughout my life. I know I'll keep doing this continuously when he passes on, which likely will be soon. Even when he's not with us physically, he will always be with me.

I hope these thoughts about my Dad help. We are both lucky beyond any words to have shared a relationship with our fathers that is filled with true love.

Again, you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Roy
 
Skeeter, I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is such a painful time in your life right now. The pain will let up. Keep talking about it, talk to him, and know your friends are always there. Thankfully I have not lost a parent yet, but I have lost my grandparents, my granmother has cancer now and won't make it much longer, and I have lost some good friends. My good buddy died last year, apparently of a heroine overdose. I had just spoke to him not to long before he died and tried to get him off the drugs. A week later I find out he died. I couldn't look at him at the wake, I couldn't look at any pictures, I didn't even want to hear his name. But after awhile the pain lessened. Today I have his picture and his mass card hanging near my computer, it gives me comfort to know that someone up there is watching over me. I am sure your father is watching over you every day. He is in a much better place now and I'm sure he wants you to move on with life, keep him in your heart, that can never be taken away. My prayers are with you, hang in there.
 
skeeter:

My dad died when I was 15; my mother when I was 21. I still miss them after 30 years. I've found that you never get over the death of a loved one but you do learn to integrate it into your life -- it becomes part of who you are, for better or worse. I try to live as I think they would have liked me to. I hope that's not too confusing.

May God bless.
 
Skeeter,

I can only imagine what a sense of void and loss you are feeling. I can't imagine life without my dad, but know that one day soon I must. As I read your words, I put myself in your place with my dad. The tears immediately weld up. Of course, I didn't know your dad, but I'm sure I would have liked him. He sounds a bit like my dad. Well, the "everybody likes him" part. He's
always open minded, because inside he knows you're wrong. Gentle? He complains about kids, pets, Christmas, and people making a fuss over someone. However, he can't wait to get outside to rake leaves for the
great-grandchildren to play in, or to grab the water gun, or set in the floor and, "put the new toy together". He gets tears in his eyes when talking of dogs and cats he's had, but won't admit it. He'll look over his
shoulder to see if anyone caught him throwing the ball or sneaking a treat
to your dog. He's generally the one closest to the Christmas tree with a Santa's hat on or in the corner intently opening packages. He's also quick to pout if left out. However, he's also the first one you call if in trouble, need rock solid advise(whether you follow it or not.), or just need
an ear with no time limit. "I told you so", is not in his vocabulary. He's the first to volunteer when a job needs done, any job! And he still gets a lump and little misty when he talks about America and freedom. Any of this sound familiar?

One does not overcome a lifetime with a person like this in 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades. When it becomes my turn, I hope I never get over it. I never want to quit missing him. That would mean I've started to forget. All you can do is find a place in your heart that is their's alone and keep them there with you always. Time will soften the pain and dull it's sharp edge, and you will find ways to fill the void. Honor his name, his life and his memory in your own special way. Talk with him often and know that you have the best person you can watching over you and your's.

I was very touched at how Motorep chose to remember and honor his father. I have vowed that the good name my father leaves me with will not be soiled on my watch. I have lunch with him once or twice a week, and I will continue to do so after he's gone. A person should always keep in touch and get
together with their best friend.

You have my most profound sympathy.

God bless you and guide you.
 
Sorry to hear of you loss Skeeter,My sincere sympathy. Since I have not had to face that situation yet and I know that day will come. The only thing I can say is Time heals all wounds and to always remember him and all the good times.

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We preserve our freedoms by using four boxes: soap,ballot,jury, and cartridge.
Anonymous
 
My condolences as well. I lost my Dad several years ago. I still have emotional moments (often at the strangest times), but it does get easier. Try to think about what HE would have wanted. He wouldn't want you to spend your life grieving for him. Speaking as a father myself, it would haunt me to know that my kids were living in pain. I would want them to go forward and be happy. Hang in there bud.
 
My dad died rather suddenly in '86. It is kind of a shock, and it does take time to get yourself together afterward. My mom got a Pekingese to keep her company, and she swears he is my dad reincarnated. Same habits, etc.
 
Skeeter,

Nature has the prerogative of lovingly healing the wounds that she so ruthlessly inflicts.

In the meantime, remember that your sorrow is proportional to the quality of the relationship between your dear dad and you. If you experience more sorrow than you thought, it means that you love him more than you ever realized. And that is good, even though it hurts more.

I dread losing my parents, whom I love more than any other person or thing in the world. It's a bitter, bitter price that Nature has imposed on us, and the dearer the parents, the dearer the price.

Keep having Faith, and remember that your dad is now living through you, his very flesh and blood.

And three months is a very short time. The very strength of your feelings speaks very highly of you as a person and as your father's son.

Best of wishes.

[This message has been edited by 416Rigby (edited July 11, 2000).]
 
My dad died several years ago. My classic line about my upbringing was "I never had to join the Marines to find out what boot camp was like." Yet I still think about him every day. I honor him by remembering the strengths he gave me, and by not getting caught up in the shortcomings.
Speaking for myself, I hope I never "get over" his death.
May God bless you richly.

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God and soldiers, we adore
In times of danger, not before
With the danger safely righted
God is forgotten, and soldiers slighted
 
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