Seperated is _married but living apart_ not free ticket to find another friend. Had he run the divorce route first, he might have been able to hide from the soon to be x.
Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's talk about the realities of domestic violence. Whenever a woman is killed by an abusive mate, the common response is, "Why didn't she just leave?" In this situation, where the man was the victim and the woman the abuser, a lot of people are asking, "Why didn't he just finalize the divorce first?"
It's not often that simple. The little-known fact is that the victim of an abusive mate is much, much more likely to be killed during the time immediately surrounding the breakup; at the issuance of restraining orders; and during the final divorce decree than at any other time. In other words, cutting ties is not just necessary -- it's also very risky. The victim needs a lot of support from the outside to make it work, and they typically go back to the abuser six or seven times before they are finally able to leave for good.
According to the DOJ:
- In 2007 intimate partners committed 14% of all homicides in the U.S. The total estimated number of intimate partner homicide victims in 2007 was 2,340, including 1,640 females and 700 males.
- Females made up 70% of victims killed by an intimate partner in 2007, a proportion that has changed very little since 1993.
- Females were killed by intimate partners at twice the rate of males. In 2007 the rate of intimate partner homicide for females was 1.07 per 100,000 female residents compared to 0.47 per 100,000 male residents.
- Between 1993 and 2007 the total number of homicide victims in the U.S. fell 31%, with a somewhat greater decline for females (-34%) than males (-30%). Homicide victims killed by intimate partners fell 29%, with a greater decline for males (-36%) than females (-26%).
Despite the fact that
30% of the victims of domestic violence homicides are male, people in our culture tend to think of DV as a women's issue. We don't have DV Shelters -- we have women's shelters. The Department of Justice division that deals with domestic violence is called the "Violence Against Women" division. The laws against domestic violence are marketed and sold to voters as being all about preventing violence against women. It's an inherently unfair situation and it makes the male victims of domestic violence much less likely to seek or to receive the help they need.
[Edited to correct and add the obvious: not all homicide victims are
murder victims. A high percentage of those killed are in fact the abusers in the relationships. But that goes both directions.]
What it boils down to is that this man was entering a very, very dangerous phase of the relationship with the divorce moving forward. Statistically, he was less at risk before those papers were filed.
And that's one reason why DV victims don't "just leave" and it's why they so often have outsiders inserting themselves into the situation. They
need those outsiders for financial and emotional support during a very dangerous time, and because domestic abusers are good at preventing their victims from building up resources (financial or emotional), the victims are are extremely unlikely to break free at all if they do not have that outside support.
When you have a stalker -- and victims of DV usually
do have stalkers once they leave -- there really aren't any good choices that lead to an easy out. There are only bad choices and worse ones.
DV is the elephant in the living room when we talk about self defense for women, by the way. Even though 30% of DV homicide victims are male, that's still a very, very small number of people because around [40% of male murder victims are killed by people they know. That percentage is uglier for women: around 64% of female murder victims are killed by people they know, and around 35% are slain by intimate acquaintances.] Any woman who carries a gun to protect herself from violent crime really needs to grasp and grapple with this harsh reality. For a guy it might be a distant, unlikely possibility that he will face deadly violence from someone he has loved. For a woman it's a bit more likely than that.
pax
