Defensive Theory: Smile, as a 'First Resort'.

R

RBid

New member
I wanted to take a bit to put this down, and to see what sorts of response this gets. It is something that I genuinely believe, I do every day, and I am raising my kids to do.

Smile.

I. Disarm

Ia) De-stress.

Try this, if you feel the need:

Make extended eye contact with someone. Don't smile.

Now make extended eye conctact, and add a smile.

If you don't smile, and people recognize that you are looking at them, they often elevate, in terms of tension. Whether they are self conscious, agitated, anxious, or mistrustful, that mood is very likely to get worse, even if only a little.

On the other hand, if you smile at someone in any of those states, it may very well serve to lift their spirits, at least a little.

Ib) Dissuade.

Smiling at someone is a basic connection, on a person-to-person basis. It humanizes you, and presents the opportunity for someone to view you in a positive light. Generally speaking, people have a harder time harming people with whom they have identified, even in a small way. There are those to whom this doesn't apply, but they are an extreme minority. Consequently, if you establish even a brief moment of connection, you may reduce the will of the other person to harm you.

1c) Disarm

Another general truth is that people like the path of least resistance. Establishing eye contact is an indication of being self assured. In a very subtle way, this marks you as "not meek".


II. Recon

IIa) Cover

Interestingly, smiling at someone is generally perceived as a reason to make eye contact with them. It is a 'get out of jail free' card, when looking at just about anybody. Flashing that smile affords you a moment to study somebody.

IIb) Reading Response

When you smile at someone, their reaction will instantly provide you with information about their emotional state. If you have any social aptitude whatsoever, you should be able to recognize indicators of tension.



In practice:

You have a concealed carry license, and are in 'code yellow'. You're on your way to a restaurant in the city, and have to walk a few blocks from where you park. While you're walking, about a block away from a higher visibility/lower threat area, someone walking toward you on the sidewalk looks up a little.

You look right at them, smile, nod, and say, "Howdy", or similar.

At this point, a potential 'bad guy' knows:

1) you have just extended kindness to him. This is often a rare treat, for people who live rough lives.
2) you're not overtly timid
3) you know what he looks like, before he has had a chance to do anything incriminating.
4) you are going to be paying attention to him, even as you both continue walking, because a response may be forthcoming.

...and YOU know:

1) what he looks like
2) a ballpark emotional state, based on his reaction to your smile/greeting
3) you are *expected* to pay attention to him, during the typical period of time in which a response would be forthcoming. At a normal walking speed, by the time pleasantries have been exchanged, you are passing each other.



Thoughts?

If you feel like I'm an idiot, please be gentle. I'll be receptive to constructive criticism, and I respect differing opinions.
 
In practice, this advice sounds good for men, but I suspect there are a few too many caveats for women.

Trust me on this one: smiling at strangers, eye contact or no, is a good way for a woman to unintentionally invite unwanted attention from guys.

A vaguely-pleasant look, while taking care to always break eye contact to the side rather than down, tends to be (in my experience anyway) a somewhat more reliable way to make those assessments without drawing an unintended response.

Kathy
 
My four-year-old granddaughter is into martial arts, has some kind of colorful belt. In competitions, she told me she likes to give a really sweet smile to her opponent, before attempting to clobber him/her. She feels it gives her several advantages.

I don't think you're an idiot.

I do think that a smile can be misinterpreted; also if it meets the "stink eye" and falters, you lose points. Aside from that, it all seems of interest.
 
I always look passers by in the eye when I walk or drive around. I usually offer a kind smile and a "hello" if we are alone. In the store I just offer a brief look of confidence to passers by. I don't stare it's just a glance to let them know I am aware of them. It's a mental game for me.

When driving I have a habit of looking at people driving past me in the eye, most are totally oblivious but some offer varied responses. Some smile, some give a dirty look, some look scared, some just offer an empty stare, some even flip me off... it's happened several times.

So RBid I believe there is something to be said about a smile in an awkward or normal social encounter. You hit it right on the nose. You are teaching your kids a great lesson.
 
Your proposal, which is something you "believe in," is an assumption and does not take into account the thinking of others. In general, people ask "why?" or "how can they?" when confronted with behavior that is not understood. The simple answer is: they do not think the way we, you, us, I think. We do not live in an ideal world where people act as we expect them to act.

I live in suburban Louisiana where a smile or hi to strangers in Walmart is not unusual. But in parts of New Orleans that may not be a wise thing to do.

Cornered Cat has a good evaluation of your premise.
 
Pax is correct (as always :)) - I have an psych journal article somewhere that men evaluate pleasantries from women as far more sexual than intended.
 
RBid, I believe in your theory, and although I have never really put that much thought into it, it is just in my nature to look at people, smile, and say howdy, good morning, or some generic pleasantry. But yes, it immediately establishes that you are alert, oriented, and paying attention. Just exactly what criminals do not want in a potential victim.
I also agree that women live under a different set of guidelines, and need to be careful about being perceived as "sending signals". Face it, we men are pigs deep down inside, most of us keep a lid on it and behave as honorable gentlemen, but there are some who will vigorously pursue any attractive female, eye contact or not. I think the idea of brief eye contact and looking away tells us a woman is aware of someone in their space but not interested in a date.
Always try friendly first, the world would be a much better place if we all just lighten up and be nice. This does not mean you should be naive, unprepared, or overly trusting of strangers, just don't go through life like you're navigating behind enemy lines. :)
 
As I learned from many deployments in service.... Someone (an adult or older teenager) starts eyeballing you smile or not you likely have or are going to have a problem...Its both culture and person dependent... My level of awareness and attention may actually go up.. Not sure I include smile as a defensive measure...

If you do need to draw for your legal defense it may be a lot more useful to throw whatever you have in your hands to distract them as you try to retreat and draw.
 
I agree with the OP's premise. Watchful, but friendly. A smile is a great way to let someone know that you see them without being confrontational.
Pretty much all of the time the other guy's just some slob going about his life.
Though that comes from the perspective of being a 6' 230lb tattooed weightlifter - I'd agree that smiling at strange men might not be a great conflict avoidance strategy for the ladies.
 
Eye Contact

The whole thing about eye contact is that folks usually are expecting something after. I tend to do the nod and slight smile. This hopefully does not come off creepy even to the ladies. I think this puts folks at general ease and still shows a potential threat awarness.

With Kindest Regards, Vermonter
 
I agree with Pax that women shouldn't.

I thinkit has some merit for men. A bad guy is looking for an east target. They play on fear and intimidation. If you smile and come across you ain't so bad, it will give the bad guy a second thought. On the other hand, if it is a nervous "I would like to teach the world to sing, mamby pamby" smile, then it won't do much.
 
I think this is a good way to go; I've been doing the "smile and nod/greet" thing for years. When I was in Boston, that was typical; here in Denver there's usually a greeting thrown in 'cause that's how people are. Style has a huge impact on how this comes across (from ladies and gents alike); since most of communication is non-verbal, the rest of how you look and act while you make eye contact can make the same greeting range from a come-on to carefree to threatening.

In general I like it as a cultural pursuit as well; the more connected people feel to others they pass on the street in general, the less likely they are to run afoul of social norms. Most criminals, especially young ones, are for the most part normal folks and don't really want to think about the harm they do. The more personally they feel connected to those they're considering wronging, the less they're likely to do so.
 
In practice, this advice sounds good for men, but I suspect there are a few too many caveats for women.

Trust me on this one: smiling at strangers, eye contact or no, is a good way for a woman to unintentionally invite unwanted attention from guys.

A vaguely-pleasant look, while taking care to always break eye contact to the side rather than down, tends to be (in my experience anyway) a somewhat more reliable way to make those assessments without drawing an unintended response.

Kathy
In practice, this advice sounds good for men, but I suspect there are a few too many caveats for women.

Trust me on this one: smiling at strangers, eye contact or no, is a good way for a woman to unintentionally invite unwanted attention from guys.

A vaguely-pleasant look, while taking care to always break eye contact to the side rather than down, tends to be (in my experience anyway) a somewhat more reliable way to make those assessments without drawing an unintended response.

Kathy
Click to expand...

Good analysis.

And a friendly gesture to a stranger, in some parts of my community, can easily generate a panhandlers's request for a hand out--men included, and burden you with the matter of getting rid of him--easier with some than others.

Don't remember who gave the advice: When on the "street" be polite to everyone and friendly to no one. Maybe it was Walt Rausch, but that sounds like good advice for women and men too. :cool:

The point: Might need different rules for different environments. Just going for a walk can take you into different "behavior" zones. Being too friendly or not friendly enough can focus the wrong kind of attention on us.

Now, as a psychology experiment, RBid's ideas sound interesting.:D
 
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I agree with this premise except; A smile through the window at another driver can very easilly result in a misunderstanding and eventual road rage.
 
Thank you for the discussion, so far.

The feedback about how this might play out for women makes a lot of sense. I can certainly see the validity of those points.
 
Thanks for the post. I am a natural non-smiler that has to work at smiling. Your points are valid, thanks for the reminder.
 
I give a slight smile & slight nod to most anyone that makes eye contact. Most smile back, but I'm an old man, not a physical threat to man or woman anymore!:D I have noticed that some women will not make eye contact, probably for some of the reasons mentioned.
 
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