Coinneach--
I have studied long upon CindyH's requirements and submit two quite different possible courses---
The Kahr P9.
I've never fired one, but handled one the other day. It feels really good and is MUCH lighter than the other Kahrs. The DAO trigger pull was quite manageable. In your shoes, I'd take the lady to shops or gun shows until I found one. Carry your own, brand new snap caps, and offer to PAY seller to allow her to snap it a few times. You are obviously prepared to go to a lot of time, effort and expense to furnish CindyH what she needs. I do believe this shopping trip would be worthwhile, just so you'll KNOW.
A Manageable .45.
Now, you DID ask us for advice, so here goes. Given the ideal situation--Unlimited budget, and already trained and trustworthy lady who could be relied upon to manage a single action auto pistol, and a bit of patience, this is what I'd do--
Find the following pistol--It is a standard stock item. Sorry, I don't know the exact model name, but it is a Kimber .45, Commander-size, with a lightweight frame and full "bar of soap" melt job. I'd go for the stainless finish.
Now, a set of the "slim line" stocks. I think by Wilson, but it doesn't matter. They come with special stock screw escutcheons--these stocks are that thin.
Now I go to the gun smith--someone who actually carries a pistol himself. Tell him--or her, I'm not sexist--to pretend this is HIS pistol, and it is the ONLY firearm he has with which to defend his family. No other choices allowed--THIS .45 is the one on which the fates of his wife, daughters and western civilization rest.
When he is done, the pistol will have a CRISP four-pound trigger, will feed Federal Personal Defense loads flawlessly, from EACH of the three magazines. Extractor and ejector are tuned to toss the empties high and right--NOT straight up or back into her face. NO mag well funnel attachment. It will group within FIVE inches at 25 yards. This is NOT a match pistol. The checking on the stocks is lightly sanded so that the sharp tops of the diamonds are rounded. Reliability and control are ALL important.
Recoil is manageable. Trigger reach is shorter than with most DAs and far easier to control. Power is adequate, even with the fairly soft loads, which will tend to lessen fatigue at practice sessions. Oh--be sure to locate a source of practice loads with recoil impulse equivalent to the Fed Personal Defense loads. If I was loading them, I'd start with 185 JHP bullets and 6.0 of Unique, and see how that works.
I wish I could afford to outfit every woman I love with such a sidearm, and the will to learn to use it well.
Best wishes to you both.
Johnny
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---The Second Amendment ensures the rest of the Bill of Rights---