I still say revolver any day. "What do you call 6 guys armed with 9mm versus 1 Bob Mundy and a rusty 45 colt, yep, 6 dead bad guys"
. As far as the recoil thing here is a good chart for you and as you can see the 40 is the worst of the 3 but all are pretty mild in comparison until you reach 44 mag or above. Bottom line the larger bullet does the most damage so of the 3 go with the 45. Still today considered by most the best overall defense caliber plus there is probably a good reason why most law enforcement got away from the 9mm.
Cartridge (Wb@MV) Pistol Wt. (lbs.) Recoil E. (ft. lbs.) Recoil V. (fps)
.25 ACP (50 at 800) 0.75 0.9 8.7
.30 Carbine (110 at 1400) 3.0 4.9 10.2
.32 ACP (71 at 910) 1.0 1.7 10.5
.32 H&R Mag. (100 at 1100) 2.0 2.7 9.4
.380 ACP (90 at 1000) 1.5 2.5 10.4
9mm Makarov (95 at 1025) 1.5 3.0 11.2
9x19 (124 at 1125) 1.5 6.0 16.0
.38 Super (125 at 1250) 2.25 4.9 11.9
.357 SIG (125 at 1350) 1.75 7.4 16.6
.38 Spec. (125 at 850) 1.0 5.6 18.9
.38 Spec. +P (125 at 975) 2.25 2.9 9.2
.357 Mag. (158 at 1250) 2.75 8.7 14.3
.40 S&W (155 at 1200) 1.5 10.6 21.3
10mm Auto (180 at 1295) 2.25 11.4 18.1
.41 Mag. (210 at 1300) 2.75 15.6 19.1
.44-40 Win. (200 at 820) 2.75 4.2 9.9
.44 Spec. (240 at 750) 3.0 4.5 9.9
.44 Mag. (240 at 1450) 3.0 22.5 21.9
.45 ACP (230 at 850) 2.25 7.9 15.0
.45 Colt (255 LRN at 860) 2.75 8.2 13.8
.45 Colt (300 at 1150) 2.75 23.9 23.7
.454 Casull (300 at 1650) 3.2 38.6 27.9
.480 Ruger (325 at 1330) 3.3 23.1 21.2