Wife/husband/significant other objects to ccw

Q

quiller333

Inactive
Newbie. Not a gun enthusiast like so many here.

Searched, didn't see this one addressed. Wonder if anybody else has had this problem and how they handled it.

After the Petit murders in CT, I determined to get my carry permit and buy a handgun for home defense. The wife of 40 years objected strenuously. She's not a leftist who wants to take guns away from private citizens (in fact, she's right of center, politically), but she believes that regular citizens who have guns in house present more of a threat to themselves and family than potential home invaders.

I know the counter arguments, the statistics, the rest of it. Couldn't budge her. Emotional thing. To anticipate the natural question: the relationship is solid--nothing else going on. She knows I'm not a threat; she considers the gun a threat.

At the end, I decided that our safety was paramount. Told her straight out I was overruling her. Took the training, got my permit, and bought a Ruger 357 Magnum. Some frosty weeks followed, but things calmed down.

Recently, I brought up the matter of a carry gun. The discussions on this one were even more intense. In diplomatic parlance, negotiations broke down. Irretrievably.

Same deal holds: a million to one chance of us being in an Aurora, CO or Virginia Tech situation, but I never want to find us hiding in a mall, defenseless, waiting to be killed by some nutjob.

I'm buying a Ruger LCR 38. Won't tell the little woman. Won't wear it all the time (I read that you should, but. . . .) I think if I'm careful, she won't know. (Must figure out the best holster option.)

Anyone else ever have this problem. Any thoughts? Anything I'm missing?
 
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Never had the specific problem, but do know that being less than honest in relationships inevitably comes back to bite you. Have you considered taking her to a shooting range and maybe getting her a little more comfortable around guns?

There is a member here who specializes in self defense issues for women, so you might check her site out and see if it helps any.

http://www.corneredcat.com/

Good Luck...
 
Anything I'm missing?
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IMHO, a lot. Keeping secrets is usually a grievous mistake for any relationship.

I'd recommend being honest, up to and including your reasoning for carrying.

What do you think she would be more upset about? You doing something she doesn't like over her objections, or you doing it anyways and trying to hide it? Trust me, the latter is likely to have a worse outcome.

My fiancee started the same way, grew up around guns but really didn't want anything to do with them. I got one, then another, then my CHL, then a few more, then I started reloading. I was totally up front about it all. She doesn't have to like them, she doesn't have to shoot them, she just has to accept that I do.

Ensure safety, get a lock box, keep the weapon(s) secure when not in use and do your best to make her more comfortable.

Sorry if I went a bit Dr. Phil, but really, honesty would be the best policy
 
I think if I'm careful, she won't know.
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Pretty doubtful if you two are close enough to last 40 years of marriage. I think she should respect your decision and should support you when you go to the range to practice, get a CC training class, etc.
 
Addition to previous post:

Mine always gave me a hard time about carrying. The eye rolls, the impatience, the inevitable "Do you really need to bring that?" All up to a couple of weeks ago when my lil .380 sitting in its holster with my hand calmly on its grip was the only thing keeping a very large up and coming thug from attempting to polish his shoes with my chin stubble.

Has never said a word since.
 
I agree with others...don't try to keep it from her. Tell her you love her and value her feelings about this but you have made a decision to do what you think is best to protect her and yourself.

I also suggest you take more training than just the permit requirement. You owe it to her and to yourself to be as proficient and safe as possible. Perhaps when she sees you are serious about adopting this lifestyle she will come around. If the situation ever arises when she can see the positive benefit of being armed she will come to value it.

No matter what be honest. In a true defensive situation it is important for your partner to know what you are about to do and how to react.
 
Might help to take a rational approach and ask her to read "More Guns Less Crime" by John Lott. Hiding the fact that you purchased a .357 LCR and carry it in secret will likely come back and bite you on the arse.
 
Hand her a pen and a piece of paper and ask her to write down all the places there is going to be trouble

You can't make her change so do what you think is right. It always helps to bring up and show her proof of home invasions and crimes to support your side of the argument. Some people live in a bubble and never experienced a crime that required self-defense to survive
 
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If she is open to conversation, you might try to explain that guns properly maintained and stored are inert by themselves... The also remain safe to the ones they need to when in the hands of safe, sober and sane people with good intents...

If folks try to argue about people not behaving rationally in my home possibly getting my guns, I explain my discretion used in deciding who will be in my home and when...

If kids are mentioned, I tell them the same...

If any sort of predatory criminal is mentioned, I explain that is exactly why the guns are here... to keep the bad people from getting my guns...;)

And no amount of dishonesty with the SO on your part will help your position on this matter nor any future matters where honesty is expected... Just sayin'...

Brent
 
When she finds out about your new purchase (and make no mistake, she will), what then? Another frosty couple weeks? Worse maybe?

I don't know your exact situation, so it's really hard to comment. For me, my wife was the same way (politically conservative, pro 2A, but didn't like the idea of a dangerous weapon in her house). It took me a few years, but today she has her CCW permit, and always has her pistol in the car (since she can't have it at work). When we go out, I get the whole, "Are we protected?" question.

A member here, Pax has a website called Cornered Cat. It's mostly a website for women who might be interested in shooting, but it has some really useful information for men who might want to try to at least change their wife/girlfriend/significant other's mind about guns, and possibly even go shooting. Look around the site, and maybe you'll find something that will help you.

The worst thing you can do is lie about or hide your gun purchases. Especially if she's against it. Talk to her. She may object, and that's her right, but she should know. Relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. Hiding a gun purchase when she is against you owning guns shows that you don't respect or trust her. It will turn out worse for you in the end. A little pain now talking to her will work out better when she finds out not only did you buy another gun, but you did it behind her back. That's a bad thing.
 
Be honest and tell your wife that you have decided to CC. Your wife has every right to disagree and not participate in CC herself but she does not have a right to forbid you from doing so.
 
Be honest and tell your wife that you have decided to CC. Your wife has every right to disagree and not participate in CC herself but she does not have a right to forbid you from doing so.
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This is actually really good advice. You'll probably find, once she's used to the idea that you're carrying that she'll ask if you are carrying when you're in a bad place with her.

One of the worst things you can do is scare her into letting you carry. Although it's true woman are 10 times more likely to be raped when they don't have a gun, all you're going to do is get her to did deeper, and find even more justification not to like guns. If you can get her to the range to shoot, it's almost certain you'll change her mind. But don't push the issue, or labor it.
 
I think of the theatre shooting in Colorado and how everyone was defenseless. It's about being able to protect oneself and their loved ones.
 
Be honest and tell your wife that you have decided to CC. Your wife has every right to disagree and not participate in CC herself but she does not have a right to forbid you from doing so
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Sound advice above. When you are in the house, a small pistol safe is a good idea so that you have a secure place to store the gun when you're not carrying.

The last thing you want to do is lie to your wife. That will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

My wife was uncomfortable around guns at first, but now she always asks if I'm armed when we go out. When I say I am, she relaxes a bit.

She goes shooting with me now once in awhile, though not frequently. She took the NRA basic pistol course last year as well, her idea.
 
I would not lie about it. I suggest that if you are determined to carry that you just tell your wife what you intend to do and then do it. Be prepared for the inevitable consequences, and ride them out. If the consequences will end up being more than you can bear, then don't do it.
 
I have a similar issue. I CCW normally outside the house. I don't hide it from them or project it on them.

My family shoots some, but had 0 SD or HD interest. They do seem to accommodate this method...

Good luck.
 
Don't lie or hide it. Tell her that, as her husband, you are responsible for her safety and yours; and you will do whatever it takes to ensure that safety because you love her. If she doesn't accept that, do it anyway.....

....ball is in her court then....
 
Your wife has every right to disagree and not participate in CC herself but she does not have a right to forbid you from doing so.
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This is the crux of the issue.

When you negotiate, keep in mind that you are not negotiating for her permission. You do not need her permission to protect your own life and the lives of people you care about. You may want her approval, or maybe just a silent end to hostilities. Those are good goals, because a simple ceasefire is really all you can negotiate for in good conscience. That's because making decisions about how you will protect your life falls within your personal boundaries, not hers -- just as how she chooses to protect herself falls within her personal boundaries, not yours.

Remember that concept. Help her understand and remember it too. In all your discussions, make it clear that you are looking for ways that will help her feel more comfortable with the choices you've already made. Your choice isn't up for debate, but you are willing to offer other concessions that might help her feel less threatened by your choice.

One concession you might offer: take a gun safety class. Better still, take it with her. Invite her to come with you so she can see for herself what you are learning.

Invite her to help make decisions about safety that will affect her, such as how you will store the gun when you are not using it. Let her know that she can help you make those decisions only if she is willing to learn the things she needs to know in order to make good choices. This would include (for example) being willing to read websites, magazine articles and product brochures about safely storing guns.

When you go to take your concealed carry class, invite her to come with you. Does she need to? Nope. Invite her anyway. Explain that if she attends the class, it might help her feel more comfortable that you know what the laws are and will stay within the law when you carry.

To the extent that it's true, tell her you value her input and really want her alongside you as you learn more about how to stay safe in a home that has firearms in it. Tell her you need her help to remember details. Challenge her to help you stay safe by reminding you if you break one of the safety rules (which she can't do if she doesn't learn the rules with you...)

Bottom line: don't give an inch on the "permission" front, but invite her to participate as much as possible in anything related to safety. Educate her as much as you can within that framework. Then quietly do what you do, without a lot of fuss and bother. When she sees that you are serious about your boundaries and equally serious about safety, she will have room to relax and let it go.

pax
 
+1 what seeker two said. Humans are wired so that they feel certain things, and gender plays into that. You feel protective of your wife, you're SUPPOSED to feel this way. If you don't, and I'm going to be blunt here, you are a jerk, not worthy to BE her husband, and probably you don't love her. That's how GOOD men are wired. Tell her that this is part of what she has to put up with to have a husband that is a good man who loves and cares for her, and that if she wanted somebody who wouldn't do these things she should have married a jerk who wouldn't care or love her like you do. I had to make this argument to my wife myself, so I've been there.
 
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