for all those in a nutshell, I would recommend a Smith & Wesson Model 19 4 inch barrel.
It's not too big for carry, not too small for a shooter, not too short or long a barrel, and is ideal for carry and defense. Yes they say after a couple of thousand rounds of full .357 through it the K frame revovlers start to wear a little (I have heard other stories to the contrary), but I seriously doubt you will want to put that many through it within the next 10 years. For defense you can put .38+P in it (which is in the ballpark of a 9mm round). .357 can be used for defense too if you feel you need to drop a grizzly bear
. .357 guns and even .38 special medium frames can handle all sorts of rounds with various low and high pressures from the old S&W or Colt .38 Short, Long, Special, +PSpecial, 38/44 (obsolete), .357.
For .357 I own a larger Model 28 6 inch but that is used primarily as a shooter. I mostly shoot .38 special and .38+P in it and maybe a dozen or so magnums through it every other time I take it to the range. Magnums are vicious, sharp, and loud. The psychological impact of all that will make you not want to shoot 3 boxes or even 1 box through every time you go to the range. Magnums will wear you out before they wear the gun out.