Tech note: Harley Davidsons have an unusual engine, a V-Twin at a 45degree angle that shakes so much newer ones have the entire engine rubber-mounted in the frame. The rest you can probably figure out...
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Does Sturgis Have A Spaceport?
© 1998 Jim March
Captain's log, stardate 123.43.yadayadayada, Picard speaking…we have been ordered to Rigel 5 due to reports of large amounts of disorderly conduct, multiple entertainment facilities damaged and at least 200 unexpected pregnancies. The suspected perpetrators of multiple species came in small warp-capable ships, as they put it "partied hardy" and left for points unknown. We're on course at warp6 to investigate.
(Scene: Enterprise bridge.)
Picard: "Com, raise Rigel 5 please…"
"Rigel 5 here, Governor Fadel here…good to see you, Enterprise".
Picard: "Glad to help, how can we be of assistance?"
"Give me a moment to establish visual, I'm in the field inspecting damage."
(A lousy videolink of Gov. Fadel appears on main view, he's standing in the middle of a completely trashed bar.)
"We've been vandalized!" says Fadel. "They came down like locusts, at least 50,000 ships worth, and just LOOK at this mess!".
Picard: "50,000 ships? How many of them went on shore leave?"
Fadel: "All of 'em. Good thing most had a crew of one!"
Picard: "They're gone now?"
Fadel: "Yes, thank the three-legged deity of Thamos!"
Picard: "How many casualties?"
Fadel: "A few light injuries, most of it's property damage. They do seem to have paid their bar bills."
Worf: "Captain, incoming transmission from Lanyar colony…the same group seems to have entered orbit there…"
Fadel: "GO - we'll clean up here, just GET THOSE SONS OF SCALYANS!"
Captain's log: We'll be at Lanyar in two days…
Captain's log two days later: They left hours before we arrived, they were last seen headed for Sirus. They're moving at warp7, we think we can beat them there and are proceeding at warp9.
Data: "Entering Sirus4 orbit now, captain".
Picard: "This is where most of the beer in the system is, right? So this is where we wait."
Worf: "Sir, not for long. Long-range sensors detecting multiple small warp signatures approaching."
LaForge: "What the…Captain, I've never seen warp signatures like THIS. Data, check this out!"
Data: "Highly efficient, if unstable."
Picard: "Unstable seems a good description of this lot. How long before they hit orbit?"
Data: "Less than 20 minutes, they're moving very fast on impulse."
Picard: "Hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf."
Worf: "Audio response from one, Captain."
Broken audio voice, barely understandable: "Aw man, it's the fuzz! Hey man, we just wanna party!"
Picard: "Who is this?"
Voice: "Ya got Road Captain Wanker on the line".
Picard: "This is Jon Luc Picard, captain of the Federation starship "Enterprise". We've seen Rigel5 and Lanyar…did you "party" there?"
Wanker: "Well ya…"
Picard: "And you left a mess, didn't you?"
Wanker: "Well…ya…but…we paid for damages!"
Picard: "That's not what Governor Fadel said!"
Wanker: "Fadel's a prick! He's just pissed 'cuz his daughter hung out with Skank!"
Picard: "I see. And was this voluntary?"
Wanker: "Bet your @ss it was, man! Skank takes a bath once in a while!"
Picard: "No doubt one of the last great lovers. Where is his daughter now?"
Wanker: "Hehehe - last I saw, she was on the back of his scoot!"
Picard: "Great. Mind if we interview her?"
Wanker: "Sure, man, just meet us at the biggest bar this dump's got, her and Skank'll be along shortly!"
Picard: "Agreed. You can use this planet's entertainment facilities if you promise not to make a mess…I'll have security teams in place, so will the planet."
Wanker: "It's cool, man, peace. See you downstairs!"
(Scene: Enterprise conference room)
Picard: "Data, any info from science scans?"
Data: "Preliminary analysis shows at least 15 sentient races, possibly more, with ships of an enormous variety of designs. They seem to share common drive characteristics but otherwise…we've seen everything from half-cannibalized Federation shuttles to something that looks like it was made out of the stern section of a crashed Romulan Warbird. Many are elaborately decorated, and some seem to have partial coatings with a high Chromium content."
Picard: "Weapons?"
Geordi: "Some. We've seen evidence of smaller warp signatures in some ships, in a powered-down state. We're not certain, but it's possible they're "warp torpedoes". They've got small warp drives of unusual potency, which may make the concept economically feasible."
Deanna Troy: "They don't seem overtly violent, but they're definitely in a hedonistic mood. It may be temporary, or permanent, we just don't know."
Picard: "Prepare an away team. Geordi, Data, Worf, Deanna, you're with me, number one, you have the bridge, Worf, prepare two-man security teams for each major bar - armed with phaser rifles. Dismissed".
(Scene: A dingy but large bar)
Picard: "Well they're certainly enjoying themselves…"
(A large drunk Klingon in old leathers staggers by)
Deanna: "Worf, can you translate that message on the back of his jacket?"
Worf: "Born to be very, very, VERY bad"
Picard: "Charming. What is that all about?" (he points to a pair of tipsy Glaxians holding up a sign that says "Show us your upper appendages").
(Large bald guy in a leather vest walk up)
Wanker: "Hey, dudes, one of you guys Cap'tn Picard?"
Picard: "Speaking…so, where are you people from?"
Wanker "All over, man, brotherhood of the road an all that. We're headin' for a BIG party, totally epic, you know?"
Picard: "I see. So…where's Skank and his lady friend?"
Wanker: "Oh, I saw 'em last out on the patio. Skank's a big ugly guy…hmmm (looks around) that don't help much…look for a tat of a Klingon tooth-dog on his arm, and the babe's FINE!" (he staggers off)
Data: "The patio is over here."
(Scene: five guys each have a lady friend riding on their shoulders, each in a thin white shirt, with the ladies gleefully throwing water balloons at each other's chests. One guy has a tattoo of a tooth-dog on his arm, and his "rider" bears a marked resemblance to Fadel.)
Deanna: "Well, she's not under duress, that's for sure!"
Picard: Data, Geordi, see if you can get more info on their ships, will you?" (they leave) "Let's go back inside and see if we can make sense of this.
(Scene: Data and Geordi are crouched in a small dirty ship with the door open.)
Data: "Geordi, I do not understand this control column. Why would they make it out of chromium-plated steel, almost a meter high, ending in two separate hand controls?"
Geordi: "The seat's even weirder. Forget it, let's check out their warp drive, it's gotta be back here somewhere."
Data: "Here's an access hatch…"
Geordi: "WHAT THE HELL?"
Data: "It's bent at a 45degree angle!" (sounds puzzled)
Geordi: "What kind of nut figured this out? It would…(thinks a bit)…Data, the coils would feed back on each other, power would go way up".
Data: "So would secondary harmonics."
Geordi: "It must shake all over the place!"
Data: "The entire warp core bay is mounted in elastic shock-absorption mounts…I wonder if it helps."
Geordi: "I dunno. Let's get out of here before they find us."
Data: "Agreed."
(Scene: back in the bar)
Picard: "Deanna, see if you can do a deeper probe on one of these people, maybe we can get a clue as to their motives?"
Deanna: "I'll try." (she focuses in on one particularly large ugly unwashed specimen…then she screams and faints. Data and Geordi show up)
Wanker: "Hey dude, looks like you're lady's partied out, man!" (takes huge swig of beer)
Picard: "Geordi, take Deanna to sick bay, the rest of you stay here and help keep a lid on this party. Worf, see if you can make contact with the Klingon elements."
(About an hour goes by, much partying, nothing too crazy.)
Riker's voice over Picard's comm: "Riker to Picard."
Picard: "Picard here."
Riker: "Captain, we have a security situation here."
Picard: "What happened?"
Riker: "Deanna Troy woke up in sick bay and went crazy. She escaped from sick bay, ordered 20 bottles of Rigelian beer from the nearest replicator and started throwing them at a security team. Light injuries reported."
Picard: "Where is she now?"
Riker: "She's locked herself in shuttle bay one."
Picard: "What's she doing?"
Riker: "She appears to be camouflaging shuttle #2, she's painting it to look like it's undergoing combustion!"
Picard: "On my way, beam us straight to the nearest corridor!"
(Scene: corridor outside shuttle bay one.)
Picard: "Worf, can you override the security field?"
Worf: "Yes captain, it'll take about 15 minutes."
Riker: "Too late, she's blown the force field hatch!"
Picard: "Helm, get a tractor beam on her!"
Riker: "Too late, she's on the far side of the orbital platform and accelerating."
Picard: "Put a trace on her."
Voice on comm: "Helm to Picard, we're getting multiple liftoff tracks from the surface. Looks like the party's over here."
Picard: "All bridge crew, report to the bridge, helm, prepare to break orbit."
(Bridge scene)
Picard: "Report"
Data: "They're heading out-system, Deanna's with them although the warp signature of shuttle #2 is altered like the rest."
Picard: "Plot their course."
Data: "They're headed to Earth, sir."
Picard: "Worf, raise Wanker on comm."
Picard: "Where are you people headed, Wanker?"
Wanker: "The greatest party zone in the Galaxy, dude! It's legendary!"
Picard: "Where's that?"
Wanker: "Sturgis, South Dakota, man - the Black Hills Motor Classic!"
Picard: "Data, does Sturgis even have a spaceport?"
Riker: "It will soon!"
Thee end!
