Good lighter .40 defense load?

Take a look at Barnes Tac XP or Corbon DPX (almost essentially the same round). Its a bit pricey, but in 9mm and .45 they have noticeably lighter recoil than other defensive rounds, I would wager that it is the same in .40.
 
I think Springfield’s XDs handle recoil better than other brands,certainly better than Glock. Maybe they have a better recoil spring design.

Interesting if true, and probably why I haven't joined the ".40 is toooo snappy" crowd. My only .40s are (two) Springfield XD guns.
 
Heavier projectiles will have less snappy recoil. Stick with Speer Gold Dots or Federal HSTs, no need to go looking for expensive and hard to find boutique ammunition. If heavier loads aren't easier to shot for you --

Three options:

1.) Larger pistol in .40
2.) Same size pistol in 9mm
3.) Learn better recoil management techniques
 
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