Skans said:
Seriously, if someone really means to do you harm, you probably won't have time to "de-escalate" the situation. The bad guy's mind is made up and he's implementing his plan to attack you, for whatever reason.
De-escalation happens
before "someone really means to do you harm." It happens
before "his mind is made up" and
before he begins "implementing his plan to attack you."
A solid understanding of violence dynamics helps us understand that criminals don't generally attack "for whatever reason" out of the clear blue sky. They usually have definite goals and specific things they're trying to accomplish, and use violence as a tool to get those things. This understanding helps us stay out of the situations that could easily turn violent; helps us find the most-likely ways we can avoid violence in dicey situations we couldn't otherwise avoid; and helps us perceive escalating danger so that we're more likely to stay ahead of the other person's decision to act.
So yes, you probably will have time to use that skill --
if you have the interpersonal and awareness tools that would let you do that.
Skans said:
You will simply have to make a snap decision at that time whether you are really in imminent danger of death or serious bodily harm.
And that "snap decision" had better be made in advance --
now would be a good time -- at least in its broadest outlines. If we haven't done that basic groundwork and set our mindset on the right path, we're far more likely to freeze or to make bad decisions in the heat of the moment.
Some questions that begin the journey down that road:
- By my own ethical, moral, or emotional beliefs, is it ever permissible to kill another human being?
.
- Am I myself able to pull the trigger if that is what it takes to survive?
.
- Under what circumstances am I myself willing to take a human life?
.
- Under what circumstances am I not willing to do that? (Do my answers change if the criminal is very young, or a woman, or pregnant, or very old, or mentally challenged? Do they change if my children will see what happens? Do they change if there's a media crew taping it all for the 6 o'clock news?)
.
- What are my state and local laws governing the use of lethal force?
There are many, many other such questions we can ask ourselves about this subject.
For myself, I've also set in place a few boundaries: things that I will absolutely
never do, even if I don't think I can "win" against the bad guy. Again, these are decision points that are already made, so that an in-denial brain and a reassuring bad guy cannot treat me and my family as the BTK killer treated his victims.
Some of these include:
- I will not go anywhere at gunpoint. If the bad guy wants me to go somewhere else, it’s because he will be able to do something to me there that he is unwilling or unable to do to me right here, right now. Therefore no matter how bad the tactical situation seems, right here, right now is the absolute best chance to fight back I will ever have and I intend to use it.
.
- I will not be tied up. If the bad guy wants to tie me up, it is because he wants to do things to me that I would be able to prevent if I were not tied up. Therefore, I will resist while I am still able to do so.
.
- I will not kneel. No one is going to execute me. If I die, I’ll die fighting.
.
- If someone tries to take one of my children, I will fight even at the risk of my child being killed in the resultant firefight. I plan this not because I have positive assurance that I would be successful, but because I would not be able to live with myself if I simply “allowed” my child to be taken, brutalized, and his body perhaps never found. I’d rather watch him die in front of me. (Yes, that’s harsh … but given those two options and only those two, which would you choose?)
So there are many decisions that we can make in advance, and having made those decisions in advance will help us act very quickly during an event -- if it comes to that.
Skans said:
Personally, if a situation can be de-escalated, I ain't hanging around to try and de-escalate it - I'm leaving lickiety-split...if I can.
Never stood and talked to the clerk at a store when there was a dispute about your bill?
Never backed off the gas pedal and let another driver have "your" spot in traffic, rather than continuing to jockey for position with an aggressive driver?
Never apologized to anyone, ever?
Somehow, I doubt it.
We use de-escalation skills all the time, every day of our lives. Calling it something 'tactical' and thinking of it in the context of avoiding deadly force doesn't make it any less an everyday skill.
The decision to leave, lickety-split -- that's a good choice. When it's possible. Having a solid understanding of violence dynamics and a good grasp of de-escalation skills may be exactly what makes that escape possible.
pax