"... don't look at his eyes." ???

This is the best, most cogent, article that I've seen dealing with nonverbal communication and positional dominance.

The following is an article written by Greg Hamilton. Greg is the founder of Insights Training Center (www.insightstraining.com) Make sure and visit their site.

Part One
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There are four categories of responses to any situation: Fight, Flight,
Freeze, or Communicate. Fight refers to life and death combat fighting not hierarchical I’m bader than you (see posturing.) Flight is just that running away. Freeze is the lack of any action, i.e. the inability to fight, flee, or posture. Lying on the ground, covering your head is not freezing it's communicating. Communication is the assumption of stances, movements, eye contacts, and verbal interactions to cause an effect upon the person you are communicating with.

Communication is manipulation.

We communicate with three postures.

There are three postures that are assumed by people: submissive, assertive, and aggressive. People attract attention because of the first and last. With the first it is obvious that you have no boundaries or you don't enforce your boundaries well. In the case of aggressiveness you are forcing your boundaries upon others. It's pretty obvious that if you have weak boundaries someone will test them. What doesn't seem as obvious is that if you project your boundaries too strongly you will also attract negative attention in the form of a hierarchical conflict. This model could be seen as a scale with
assertive being in the middle or as interlocking rings where each has some overlap with another, and all three overlapping in the center. You could also integrate the Parent-Adult-Child communication model with it. Everyone uses different postures depending as much on whom they are interacting with, as what the interaction is. Contrast your postures in the same situation with the actor changed from child to priest to female to male to homeless to rich.

Since it seem everyone on this list loves to make military analogies. I
would like to define camouflage: that which hides, blends, or deceives. In other words if you don't want to be a target, don't put out target
indicators or be noticed for any reason. Be like everyone else. Be part of the invisible mass. The invisible posture is assertiveness. Assertiveness is only about you, it doesn't compromise anyone else's boundaries or status. It is a live and let live posture. It is also a posture that says, "I don't compromise my boundaries or status. If you invade my boundaries I will be forced/will be glad to respond.” The difference between forced and glad to would depend on your position on the sub to aggress scale. Remember hide, blend, and deceive.

Military Target Indicators are defined as: movement, noise, contrast,
outline, and shine. Being submissive or aggressive is contrasting in daily life to everyone else.

As for eye contact, it will also be interpreted within the same model. If you avoid eye contact, or make short eye contact and then look down, this is submissive. On the other hand if you hold eye contact longer than it takes for the other person to see that you have seen them, that is aggressive. Assertive eye contact is just long enough that everyone knows that everyone knows. If you add in a nod or greeting to another hunter/meat eater and they respond, you have built some rapport and have set a bit of a truce. I.e. I see you, you see me, we are both dangerous, but we don't have a problem with each other. This is a tipping the head up nod, which is a nod of recognition. It can be used across wide distances and close up. Close up add in “how’s it going?” But even in a crowded bar if as you scan the surroundings you see someone looking at you and they don’t immediately look away submissively, add in this head nod, check for response, and then
casually look away to one sides or the other 45-90 degrees while checking that they are doing the same. Don’t keep looking at them and don’t turn your back on them immediately. Turning your back on people you are having a conversation with is considered rude. Wait until both sides have decided the conversations is over before turning your back. If the individual keeps staring you may have a problem. Either leave or find out for sure if you are the problem. They could just be staring into space or they are looking at someone in front of/ behind you. Move off the line of sight forward or backwards and casually follow their eye contact. If it continues: leave, fix the problem, or attempt to avoid it. I’m not big on leaving every time someone makes me uncomfortable (to submissive) On the other hand “Hey buddy, what’s your problem?” is to aggressive and will start a fight were one may have existed. So, either let it play out and see if it goes away (remember
it may just become camouflaged and come back when you’re not ready) or make an assertive contact. I.e. “Excuse me, I don’t know if I’ve done something to offend you, but I’ve got no problem with you.” Hands should be in between question mode and truce mode (elbows at sides, hands 10-12 inches apart, fingers spread, palms moving from facing in, to 45 degrees up, to 45 out, gesturing slightly to show relaxation.)
 
This is the second part of the article by Greg Hamilton of Insights Training Center. (www.insightstraining.com)

Part Two
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When dealing with panhandlers/scavengers it is best to deny their existence, while letting them know that you know they are there. If you make eye contact with this type it is the introduction and the start of a relationship, and now you will have to talk to them. You are not being submissive with your lack of eye contact, you are being assertive. Once positive contact is made on their part, then face your head towards them and respond with a simple non-aggressive "no thank you" and keep moving during the exchange. I.e. get out of the kill zone. If they continue respond with a louder "NO" or “I said NO” but keep moving. Each verbal should be accompanied with consistent body language i.e. boundary setting position with a hand (palm out, arm half extended at shoulder level) No pointing, it's aggressive and as our mothers told us it’s rude. If the person gets too close, you will be forced to stop and fully face them. Keep your one hand in boundary setting position and sweep your clothing aside a inch or two with
your strong hand (concealing your palm) say loudly "I said NO, leave me
alone!" if they try to speak, cut them off at the first word with "NO, leave me alone!" The reason we escalate to loud after the first interaction is we want to put a spotlight on them, because cockroaches don't like the light. If everyone is looking at them they will usually back down. Always create more distance every time you can and disengage and leave at first opportunity, but do so assertively. Remember this model is for bums, not hunters. Adjust your volume to the situation, but as a generalization most of us are not load enough. Nothing stops people in their tracks fast than a verbal command so loud in reverberates in their skull. Many times commands should be given so forcefully that the assailant unconsciously stops before they have even processed the information consciously.

If you challenge a hunter/meateater and put the spotlight on him, you may force him to fight to "save face" as his buddies are watching, or you will give him the final justification to fight "that ******* was dissin me". If you are dealing with a hunter you can start the same, but don't yell, just speak firmly. Don't sweep the jacket fast, just do it casually. Give him an out. Meaning he won't just leave you alone because you told him to, he must leave this engagement without his status being lowered. He will need to verbally interact with you a few times so he can show himself and everyone else he wasn't scared, and could have took you if he wanted to. You and he will know the truth and that's all that matters. Remember keep moving! The military calls it Find ‘em, Fix ‘em, Finish ‘em. Don’t get fixed and you probably won’t get finished. It is hard to engage a target that won’t stop to be engaged.

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And, finally, the next to last part of the article by Greg Hamilton of Insights Training Center
(www.insightstraining.com)

Part Three
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If you have to stop at a minimum turn the entire engagement 90 degrees from how it started. This upset the lay off the kill zone and will allow you to check your back and expose the contact mans partners. This simple maneuver can dislocate them enough to create a few seconds to further disengage until you have compromised their initial plan so much they would have to run to re-deploy and initiate on you. I prefer to turn the engagement so that my back is two the street, this allows for more maneuvering room for disengagement or fleeing. If you turn it so your back is against the wall and you don’t continue to move quickly, your opponents will re-deploy and use the wall as a fixing element. They will envelop your position cutting of routes of escape except for a direct break through, which requires deception, great speed, and audacity to pull off.

The Hunter must leave this engagement without his status being lowered on the food chain. Professional victimizers cannot risk being injured. It takes away from their productivity and makes them potential victims. Pain or jail time is not half as bad as injury, as neither lowers their status (in fact jail time may increase their status.) This doesn’t mean they want to go to jail, but they are afraid of it less than they are of injury or death. They don’t select victims by saying “Oh look that guy/women will give me a good fight.” Along with that if he puts up with “a dissin” and doesn’t do anything about it his status will be lowered among his associates. He has worked long and hard to establish himself and will not give that status up without a fight. Remember hyenas travel in packs, this is almost for sure not a lone contact.

By saying "leave me alone" as opposed to "get out of here" you are
reinforcing the fact that you do not wish to impose on others, you just
don't want to be imposed upon. Assertiveness not aggressiveness. You could also use something like “Get away from ME.” As this includes YOU and YOUR boundaries as the central issue. Saying “Get out of here” is the same form a boundary issue as saying “Get a job/haircut/life.” Try something like that on the street and see how long you stay standing.

With hunters you may have to explain yourself more. Follow the model given for harassers and nonviolent rapists/victimizers.

Aggressiveness and submissiveness both have a tactical niche and are
important postures, but assertiveness is the default posture.

The only times I've attracted attention was when unaware (it looks
submissive) and upon initial contact I've corrected the hunters opinion of me immediately. The other time you will attract attention is if you are too “copish” but this attention will rarely cause you problems and will usually result in you having fewer problems. More than once a hunter has approached me on the street and said something like “excuse me officer, do you have the time?” all the time having a big grin on their face because they thought they “made me.” I never correct that error, because now he and all his buddies will leave you and your party alone. Not many criminals want to purposefully cause trouble with a cop.

The group that you will have the most problems with are the young bucks who haven't mastered the victim selection process yet, and who are courtesy of deadly testosterone build up, still trying to build a rep. Avoidance first. Then assertiveness and patience next. Let them vent while holding you boundaries. Calmly and confidently explain your position and continue to repeat it. Be careful not to get emotionally involved and make the mistake of going to aggressive. You will then say or do something offensive and BOOM you've got a fight. Be to stupid with your remarks and you may have a fight with a lot of people. Remember disengage, disengage, disengage. Even a foot or two at a time will create distance and eventually you can end the conversation and walk away.

A comment on walking away or passing people. Take a look at wild kingdom and compare how a lion glances over his shoulder to see what’s behind him in comparison to a gazelle. The grasseater will throw his head around two or three times rapidly as opposed to the one calm glance of the meateater. If you don’t want to be mistaken for food don’t look like it. There’s nothing like rapid darting glances over your shoulder to scream “foods on, come and get it.”

More on rapport. It is important to build rapport with hunters, because it not only identifies you as one, but it puts you in the category of hunter that is mature and respectful of others. As opposed to the young, dumb ones trying to move up the food chain. It is probably to late to build this type of rapport if the other person is actively hunting and has picked you for a potential victim or you’ve walked into his/their kill zone. In this case you might have to assume more of, I’m a hunter too, and I’m more than ready to fight attitude. A bit more towards the aggressive side of assertiveness. Get out of the area of operation before they have a chance to process all of this. In military jargon this is call dislocating the enemies combat power, and if by the unexpected you can keep them dislocated for a few seconds you will be out of the primary kill zone and you will force them to re-deploy to
engage you. Since you were a target of opportunity as opposed to a specific target it is probably not worth the time and effort to re-deploy on someone that is ready to fight, when you can just wait for the next food truck to come unaware down the road.

For harassers and nonviolent victimizers the first step is to SET THE
BOUNDARY/IDENTIFY THE OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR. “Don’t touch me like that, I don’t like being touched like that”, “You are in my personal space, don’t stand so close to me”, “That was offensive, don’t talk to me like that, I don’t like that kind of talk”. This is the WHAT and WHY stage, now you must immediately follow with the WHO AM I/WHAT AUTHORITY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU stage. America is the land of Why? Who the hell are you to tell me? And by what authority do you command me? If you can answer these questions before the victimizer has a chance to talk, there will be nothing left for them to argue about. It is best to backstop your authority with society at large; this gives you the
authority of everyone, with everyone on your side. I.e. “No one likes being touched like that”, “No one likes having people that close to them”, “No one likes being spoken to that way”.
 
Ans now, the last piece of Greg Hamilton's article. www.insightstraining.com

Part Four

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At this point you can continue to be very firm (don’t get aggressive) or you can give the person an out by saying something like “I know you didn’t mean to be offensive, but you were. Don’t ever do it to me again.” Make sure to include the last part of “Don’t ever do it to me again.” As you want it very clear you will not now, or ever compromise your boundaries.

The response you get will tell you a lot about the type of victimizer you are dealing with. They will respond with one of the three options:
submissive, assertive, or aggressive. If the person responds with an
assertive “I’m sorry, I apologize, I was wrong” they probably are, and it was an honest mistake based on temporary stupidity (many times caused by intoxication) or lack of social/etiquette knowledge. Watch them for future mistakes but they are most likely not a problem.

This is the way YOU should respond if YOU make an etiquette error “Are you dating her? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry, MY mistake. I was wrong, it won’t happen again.” Very few people will continue to be aggressive after you have admitted all wrong doing, apologized, and said it will never happen again (of course this assumes you were only talking to her, not caught in bed with her. This will only work for small errors.) On the first line you can insert anything “I didn’t know this seat/table/parking spot was yours”, “I didn’t know I cut in front of you”, etc.
If the victimizer responds with a mealy mouthed/submissiveness “I’m sooo sorry, blah, blah, blah” while continuing to try to get close, you have a real victimizer/scavenger concealed as a grasseater on your hands. Watch body language on this, it will tell all. You will commonly see anger in their eyes, but they will try to conceal it with submissive posturing. This person works on compromising one little boundary at a time, and trying to gain trust. The principle being like throwing one passenger from the sleigh at a time to the wolves, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal each time a single person gets sacrificed, but in the end you still all end up dead. These scavengers make their living turning trust into guilt, and guilt into victimization.

The aggressive victimizer will respond with an attack on you “You
*******/bitch you’re just uptight (something is wrong with you). I was just having fun, etc.” They will attack you and your boundary and continue to justify themselves. It will be all your fault. Hold your ground. Tell them you don’t care what they think of you or what their justification for their action is, just never do it again. Remember don’t get aggressive. That will be hard with this type of person, because they are experts at manipulating you to get angry and say something offensive to THEM, so they can then have proof that the whole thing was your fault. This person could become violent in a date rape type situation, in a work situation the risk of job loss/legal problems will usually prevent violence. With the date raper you must be careful while matching and leading them to prevent escalation. The situation will be highly volatile, so be very ready for violence, break contact safely and assertively (and never see them again.)

Just like weapons usage, if you don't do dry and live practice you probably will have a hard time doing it for real. Dry practice verbal interactions in your head, out load when alone, and with a role-playing partner. If you don't role-play very well, script the thing out and read the parts to each other until you are comfortable with them. Then add-lib scenarios until you can handle unexpected changes. You can't just decide to be assertive in a confrontation, you must make it the way you live all the time.

For live practice go to a busy part of town that has lots of good people around but has population of street people/bums working the area. Make sure it’s a nice day with lots of normal people around. Take a few friends who will stand off and not be noticed. Let yourself be approached and interact properly. If you can record the interactions with a tape recorder or have your friends have a video recorder (of course this will make it harder for them not to be noticed.) You can use this later to critique yourself and to have more scripts to practice with. It shouldn’t be too hard to pick a route that will allow you and your friends a dozen repetitions in an hour or two.
Have a covert signal worked out with your friends so they can approach and walk you out of the conversation if you get at all uncomfortable.

Happiness is being high on the food chain.

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Even if?

What if he's wearing dark glasses or the BG is coming at you in the dark? So now what about his eyes?

Many moons ago, we learned that if you looked at his eyes, you could get mesmerized but more often it delayed your reaction time because you didn't see the kick , the punch, the knife, the club, the kitchen sink, etc...

Worked for me.....
 
Anybody that I don't know that's within what Kelly McCann calls an "activity zone" is not to be trusted. Overall body language will tell you more than watching their eyes. The majority of communication is non-verbal.

Movements are what can hurt you. A defuse, non-focused gaze at the mid- to upper-torso level will allow you to pick up movements with your peripheral vision by picking up on shoulder and hand movements. It's faster than direct vision at picking up such movements and will allow you to react to his initiating action at the earliest possible moment.

As to whether or not someone who won't look at you can be trusted, if it were that simple cops would have an easier job. And all it takes is one exception to that "rule" to really screw up your day. Do you really want to bet your safety on generalizations that probably don't apply across the board? Watch for movement.
 
Remember that during a fight, you're going to have tunnel-vision.
Click to expand...
I've always wondered: Do flies ever get tunnel vision?


How many tunnels? :D


Seriously, it isn't the eyes you look at in a gunfight. You need to be keen on the enemy's gestalt (entire body language). Put another way, you need to amplify your awareness. Only then will your defensive training provide you the necessary means to adroitly reciprocate your enemy's moves.

You will act; but you will always do so according to what you've gathered from the big picture.
 
But what are those clues that you are looking for? What is the body language that tells you this is a dangerous person? Clearly, if he displays a gun, that's a pretty good clue. But what body language would have told you before he produced the gun that he was trouble?

M1911
 
illusionary height advantage and other subtle dominance body language
Click to expand...

This sounds like it would work great if you were dealing with uh, how shall we say, weak minded people. Hows the effectivness of it against the big gorilla types? Bigger than you. Any stories of how it worked against someone other than a teen ager?

(I guess big people could be weak minded too...)
 
What you'll see a lot of times is the guy psyching himself up to attack - They'll convince themselves that you're dissin' them, that your property (including girlfriend...) should rightfully be theirs, etc., and that you've done them harm... Then they attack.
 
"Weak-minded types"?

Well, it doesn't work real well on the distaff side of the species, probably because they're used to men being taller than them.

Other than that, illusory height advantage with a courteous, but no-nonsense tone of voice has calmed the majority of agitated people I have to deal with.

Selected threat displays -- in my case, taking off my hat, placing it on a convenient surface and then heaving a deep, exasperated sigh whilst taking off my glasses and dropping them into the hat -- work wonders on making a critter decide that working himself up into an aggressive state might not be the best thing to do.

LawDog
 
... With tongue firmly planted in cheek ... because it's late ... I offer this bit of not-so-sage advice ...

Subtlety is a tool sometimes best not over used, lest it's edge become needlessly blunted ... especially when used on folks with bricks for brains ...

Except when it's done by LawDog ... :) ...

Nowadays, after an appropriate period has passed ... It's funny to think about the times one of our "clientele" would utter one of the few intelligent statements in their life, following a little interaction ... usually to the effect, "I guess that was pretty stupid of me, huh?" Yep, cause & effect can still be appreciated, even by the dull witted, sometimes ...

Your post was great! Thanks for the memory lane visit ...
 
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Tony Blauer's first range of combat is Psychological. You're in a fight way before the first blow is thrown.

With the majority of body language being non-verbal, it makes sense to pay attention to those cues so you can pick up on the movements that are a precursor to violence at the earliest possible moment. (Hopefully soon enough to avoid the situation.)

The eyes don't tell you anything about anyone's state of mind. Their body language does that.

Posturing (i.e., putting up your hands, throwing your chest out, scowling, etc.) doesn't resolve the situation and may complicate it. At the very least, it puts you in a less advantageous position than assuming an assertive, rather than aggressive (read: postural), stance.

http://www.tonyblauer.com/pdf/basic_self-defense.pdf
 
This is just the way that I have been taught, and it has served me very well for all bust twenty of my twenty eight years in this planet.

There are 2 levels of confrontation, the pre-physical and the physical.

In the pre-physical, this is where all that mental stuff and body language comes into play. Looking the BG in the eye for dominance can be good, but if that doesn't work, then you will need to reade his body language and mannerisms to see if he intends to escalate the situation. At this stage, staring into the eyes does little good if they do not give you the mental dominance you were seeking. More attention should be given toward the body of the BG and the surrounding area.

In the physical stage, you are now in a physical conflict with a BG or multiple BGs. Here it is more likely that you will be mesmerized by his body movements than by his eyes. A similar theory is applied to football. When trying to tackle an elusive runner, you have 2 places to look, either the waist or the eyes. In a self defense situation, we drop looking at the waist and look into the eyes. I learned the hard way at not looking at the eyes when fighting. When looking at the eyes, you can almost telegraph the moves of your opponent. Albeit, I have had some practice in this, it did not take long to master. The practice will help you better understand what is going on with the opponent, and it leaves you less vulnerable to feints and counters. It also helps in widening the tunnel vision allowing for better peripheral vision as well.

I understand that everyone does not have the luxury of being trained in this and that a lot of martial arts schools probably do not teach this, or if they do, they are not instructing in it's proper usage, just that it should be done.
Like I said, I beleive this to be true as it has served me well for almost 20 years. And it was taught to me by a family member who had lived in NYC for a few years as a bouncer and cooler. He came home after many a fight without a scratch on him and many tales to tell. Not only that, but a lot more experience than any of use would want to have.
 
"Weak-minded types"?
Click to expand...

Yeah. I mean those who can't or won't see through the illusion. Size don't really matter, little guys are / can be just as dangerous as big guys (Another Heinlein quote I've never seen on a sig line...'Never frighten a little man...He'll kill you'...)

Now selected threat displays are another matter altogether. Coming from an LEO theres nothing illusory about them.;)

I would see that big tall hat climbing up on that pedestal and take the hint and try to deescalate the situation. Not for the illusion, but for the 1-2-3 of LEO procedure. If a BG tried that crap though I'd be lookin for another option maybe. Depends on the situation. I've backed down some pretty big guys before. (Sweatin it, but successful!)
 
Agree:

Hands, feet, and teeth kill. They are what you should be monitoring-not the eyes. A sociopath is a totally amoral(views all situations without values)person who can easily disquise his or her emotions.
The eyes are just a smoke screen to defeat you.
 
Don't glue your eyes to his hands, either.

A boxing instructor I was sparring with noticed that I was following his hands with my eyes, and decided just shoot his left straight out to the side. I automatically turned my head just enough to let him give my a right cross right in the side of the head. End of lesson.
 
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