To disarm an assailant at contact distance, you must take advantage of the unique resources of Australian culture:
1. Scream "G'DAY MATE!!! in his ear, to disorient him.
2. Let loose a cloud of beer-powered flatulence that will double him over. To be able to do this, you'll have to suck down a steady three cans of Foster's an hour, all day, but hey, no worries, eh, mate?
3. The assailant is now bent over, clutching his ears and retching. You can now reach into his waistband at the back, give him an enormous wedgie, and throw in a handful of hot shrimp from the barbie. REALLY hot! When you let the elastic go, the shrimp will be propelled right "down under" his "meat and two veg". (Editors' note: Some of the more tangy barbecue sauces will cause permanent sterility.)
4. As the bloke's family jewels start to roast, he'll straighten up. Since he will still be clutching his middle, you need only to yell to the nearest Australian Rules Football team, "Hoy, lads! That bloke's got the bleedin' ball!" Stand back and enjoy the carnage.
5. When the football team moves on, you can go through the assailant's pockets for loose change, and dance on his mangled, lifeless body while singing "Waltzing Matilda".
6. Write down everything that happened and sell it to an American movie company as a "script concept."