FWIW,
I recently shot some Winchester White Box 115 gr target ammo and some of the Federal HST 147 gr standard pressure through my Kimber Micro 9; couldn't tell a difference felt recoil. I also had some Sig Sauer Elite 124 gr, which (IIRC) is also standard pressure stuff, but it did feel more snappy to me.
There was a link to the Luckygunner ammo testing before; "I think" the HST was part of all that testing. I don't know; at the end of the day, I don't think you could convince me that there's a "magic combo" for any caliber and weight. They all look like they're making holes to me. I'd probably suggest that you buy 3 different weights of the same make/model of personal defense ammo and see which one she favors.