im in the camp of any polymer-tipped hollowpoint in +p. i don't get too concerned with specific weights, but i don't go under 125gr. i know the hornaday flex-tips aren't the most expensive, or the latest and greatest with huge advertising, but they plain work. they consistently expand through multiple denims and cannot clog and they penetrate very well. ultra consistent and EVERY pistol i have ever shot eats them up due to the agressively tapered profile. standard XTP w/o the tip is good as well, but can clog. Gold dot's are some of the biggest culprits of clogging, due to the very impressive HP cavity, and gold dots have awesome expansion and penetration if they work. if they made a tipped gold-dot i think it would blow the competition out of the gel. shootingthebull410 settled on HST as the BEST of his very long, tedious and comprehensive testing. i urge you to check out his channel and his "9mm ammo quest" series and educate yourself. i have done a good bit of testing on my own and found that most all premium hollow-points will expand, it's the penetration that can be iffy. the only round that has been a complete and dismal FAILURE in my own testing was federal hydra-shok, which is kinda why i haven't been to eager to jump on the HST bandwagon. but federal makes very consitent and quality range ammo, so i totally trust their QC and trust the reliability of their ammo.
regardless, it's interesting and kinda fun to study and debate the ballistics of different SD ammo, but when push comes to shove, as long as it's reliable, feeds in your weapon, is of a decent weight that will penetrate adequaltely(80-90gr is not appropriate SD ammo despite what liberty and others will tell you), the bad guy isn't going to tell the difference until he gets on the operating table.
take note of the size of the cavity, as some of the "micro nines" with very steep ramps will not like the flat top of these bullets. think gold-dot, sierra sportmaster and hyrdashok somewhat. i feel that hornady tipped hollow-points are the best choice for a "do-all" bullet and will feed reliably in anything and is generally better priced as some of the harder to find stuff.
i am going to tell you my dirty little secret that gets me flamed on these forums, i do not advocate this practice, it just makes me feel comfortable........so here goes. i feel there is an increasing possibility of attempted "mass" violence in public places. although the odds of this are so insanely low, i still like to have the comfort of possibly being able to stop an attacker that has on soft body armor. i know that NO 9mm will defeat plate armor or even really good kevlar. but i still keep 2 rounds of the xtremepenetrator 90gr, loaded as fast as possible at the bottom of my mag. it can defeat level IIa body armor and possibly higher(havent seen a higher test yet). will likely never become a life saving practice for me, and i am well aware of how silly it is, but it's there if the most extreme perfect circumstance arises.
there may also be something to the xtreme penetrator as an all purpose SD round, although more testing is needed, it does create a very decent sized permanent cavity. just depends on how you feel about over-peneration. sorry for the long post........summary: i like hornady 9mm 135gr Flex-Lock Critical Duty +P or the Hornady 125gr Critical Defense +P. Also consider what you feel is needed for your living situation and if you have family in pararell rooms with nothing but sheetrock dividing you, you may decide a fragmenting ammo, even though not as ballistically superior, may be a better choice for your home defense situation.
good luck on your journey to find your "perfect" ammo, and realize that it's not a big a deal as we all make it out to be, just lots of fun to debate
one more thing i forgot to mention. stay away from "ranger" and especially "golden sabre". they are both very inconsistent performers despite their very high cost and claims. i had high hopes for the golden sabre because that "driving bad" really did make for an extremely accurate bullet, probably the most accurate 9mm bullet i have ever shot. i assume due to its very long bearing surface, but it just didn't perfom well, i wish it did. i was using a 3" barrel, so maybe it just needs some added velocity and may work well for duty sized weapons, but does very poorly in carry guns.