PEA SHOOTER
New member
Whatever you do! Dont date the president!!
"A little Humour amongst the chaos!
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter:
ONE:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
TWO:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes and hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
THREE:
I am aware that is is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
FIVE:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
SIX:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter, Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she
is finished with you. If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.
SEVEN:
As you stand in my front hallway,waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil on my car?
EIGHT:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka - zipped
to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theam are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
NINE:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
TEN:
Be afaid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as
I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
[This message has been edited by PEA SHOOTER (edited August 23, 1999).]
"A little Humour amongst the chaos!
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter:
ONE:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
TWO:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes and hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
THREE:
I am aware that is is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
FIVE:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
SIX:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter, Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she
is finished with you. If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.
SEVEN:
As you stand in my front hallway,waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil on my car?
EIGHT:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka - zipped
to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theam are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
NINE:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
TEN:
Be afaid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as
I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
[This message has been edited by PEA SHOOTER (edited August 23, 1999).]