A tongue in cheek column.
A USELESS law
TODAY, CONGRESS APPROVED the $300
billion Universal Support Enablement Law for
Evaders of Suitable Skills, known as the
USELESS bill.
USELESS supporters call the measure's
passage a statement to people with no work
skills, bad attitudes, poor personal hygiene, that
they, too, are Americans. The program is open
to "any individual who can -- but won't -- work,
whether due to laziness, self-pity, or bad
attitude."
The USELESS passage delighted Vice
President Al Gore, who, during the New
Hampshire primary, called the measure a
centerpiece of his presidential campaign. "I
know a lot of people who don't like getting up
on Mondays," said Gore. "People who stay up
too late, who drink too much, and sleep too
little. We should honor those who refuse to
submit to the Internet era."
USELESS seeks to close the gap between the
rich and the poor, the skilled and the unskilled,
the motivated and the unmotivated. "Many
people," said Gore, "lead lives of intellectual
stupor. They watch Jerry Springer and smoke
Winstons without filters. They think Picasso is
something you order from Pizza Hut. They drink
out of glasses that originally came with grape
jelly. They eat at Sizzlers, go bowling on
Tuesdays, and say things like 'boo-yah' or
'what's u-u-u-u-p-p-p?' Somebody needs to be
there for them."
A quarter of a million USELESS volunteers will
be paid $25 an hour, plus benefits, to search for
and identify the indifferent, the lackluster, and
the lazy. Volunteers are instructed to approach
those not working and say, "Stand up. You
count, too. That's why G-d invented microwave
popcorn, the remote control, and the living
room sofa."
USELESS participants will receive vouchers
enabling them to purchase goods, products, and
services they are simply not interested in
acquiring by working. Program sponsors say
fraud will be kept to a minimum because the
lazy and indifferent lack the energy and
creativity to cheat the system.
"It's the best of both worlds," said First Lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton. "The critics say that
giving money to the lazy, dumb, and stupid
provides a disincentive to learn, grow, or educate. But everyday,
contributions are made by those who are confused, disorganized, and
dysfunctional. Except they call it Congress."
Even Republican George W. Bush yielded to the measure's popularity.
"Life can be cruel to somebody who doesn't like working. We had a
cousin, Irving, who didn't like to work. Gee, I remember in those long
ago, less sensitive days, we just hollered at him and told him to get a job.
Oh, he did, but he held it against us for a really long time."
USELESS tax incentives will be awarded employers who hire those with
slovenly work habits, low self-esteem, and poor personal hygiene.
Obsessive attention to profits and to corporate image, say USELESS
sponsors, denies rights to those without taste, fashion sense, or social
skills. "I was out of work a long time," said Ed Trucker, a former St.
Louis airport baggage handler. "People complained that I smelled funny. I
admit I never bathed or showered, but I don't trust the fluoride they put
in the water. Makes me itch. But now, with this new law, there's a light at
the end of the tunnel.
USELESS, which goes into effect on April 1, prevents landlords from
requiring security deposits, mortgage lenders from seeking collateral, and
employers from requiring employees to show up and perform as a
condition of compensation. "We shouldn't create two classes of citizens
-- those who are punctual and those who are not," said Gore. "Just
because you come to work late, or don't show up at all, doesn't mean
you can't contribute. What would have happened to the play 'Waiting for
Godot' if Godot had showed up on time?"
The measure also outlaws intrusive personal questions during job
interviews, such as "Did you bring a resume?" "Have you worked
before?" or "Why aren't you wearing pants?"
The measure excited Wally Dipstick of New Brunswick, Maine, who
calls himself "an auto mechanic who's never actually worked on a car."
Dipstick cheered after becoming USELESS-eligible, "Finally, there's
something for somebody like me. I graduated in the bottom half of my
class. It's guys like me who make the top half possible. If you get rid of
unmotivated persons like me, how would you separate the winners from
the losers?"
Said President Clinton, "With this USELESS law, we can finally bridge
the horrible gap between people with initiative and those who couldn't
care less. Just because you're willing to get up early, stay late, and work
harder does not entitle you to special privileges. For those of you
out-hustled, outsmarted, and out-performed by money-motivated
colleagues -- USELESS says that, no, you are not useless.
[This message has been edited by ChrisL (edited March 27, 2000).]
A USELESS law
TODAY, CONGRESS APPROVED the $300
billion Universal Support Enablement Law for
Evaders of Suitable Skills, known as the
USELESS bill.
USELESS supporters call the measure's
passage a statement to people with no work
skills, bad attitudes, poor personal hygiene, that
they, too, are Americans. The program is open
to "any individual who can -- but won't -- work,
whether due to laziness, self-pity, or bad
attitude."
The USELESS passage delighted Vice
President Al Gore, who, during the New
Hampshire primary, called the measure a
centerpiece of his presidential campaign. "I
know a lot of people who don't like getting up
on Mondays," said Gore. "People who stay up
too late, who drink too much, and sleep too
little. We should honor those who refuse to
submit to the Internet era."
USELESS seeks to close the gap between the
rich and the poor, the skilled and the unskilled,
the motivated and the unmotivated. "Many
people," said Gore, "lead lives of intellectual
stupor. They watch Jerry Springer and smoke
Winstons without filters. They think Picasso is
something you order from Pizza Hut. They drink
out of glasses that originally came with grape
jelly. They eat at Sizzlers, go bowling on
Tuesdays, and say things like 'boo-yah' or
'what's u-u-u-u-p-p-p?' Somebody needs to be
there for them."
A quarter of a million USELESS volunteers will
be paid $25 an hour, plus benefits, to search for
and identify the indifferent, the lackluster, and
the lazy. Volunteers are instructed to approach
those not working and say, "Stand up. You
count, too. That's why G-d invented microwave
popcorn, the remote control, and the living
room sofa."
USELESS participants will receive vouchers
enabling them to purchase goods, products, and
services they are simply not interested in
acquiring by working. Program sponsors say
fraud will be kept to a minimum because the
lazy and indifferent lack the energy and
creativity to cheat the system.
"It's the best of both worlds," said First Lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton. "The critics say that
giving money to the lazy, dumb, and stupid
provides a disincentive to learn, grow, or educate. But everyday,
contributions are made by those who are confused, disorganized, and
dysfunctional. Except they call it Congress."
Even Republican George W. Bush yielded to the measure's popularity.
"Life can be cruel to somebody who doesn't like working. We had a
cousin, Irving, who didn't like to work. Gee, I remember in those long
ago, less sensitive days, we just hollered at him and told him to get a job.
Oh, he did, but he held it against us for a really long time."
USELESS tax incentives will be awarded employers who hire those with
slovenly work habits, low self-esteem, and poor personal hygiene.
Obsessive attention to profits and to corporate image, say USELESS
sponsors, denies rights to those without taste, fashion sense, or social
skills. "I was out of work a long time," said Ed Trucker, a former St.
Louis airport baggage handler. "People complained that I smelled funny. I
admit I never bathed or showered, but I don't trust the fluoride they put
in the water. Makes me itch. But now, with this new law, there's a light at
the end of the tunnel.
USELESS, which goes into effect on April 1, prevents landlords from
requiring security deposits, mortgage lenders from seeking collateral, and
employers from requiring employees to show up and perform as a
condition of compensation. "We shouldn't create two classes of citizens
-- those who are punctual and those who are not," said Gore. "Just
because you come to work late, or don't show up at all, doesn't mean
you can't contribute. What would have happened to the play 'Waiting for
Godot' if Godot had showed up on time?"
The measure also outlaws intrusive personal questions during job
interviews, such as "Did you bring a resume?" "Have you worked
before?" or "Why aren't you wearing pants?"
The measure excited Wally Dipstick of New Brunswick, Maine, who
calls himself "an auto mechanic who's never actually worked on a car."
Dipstick cheered after becoming USELESS-eligible, "Finally, there's
something for somebody like me. I graduated in the bottom half of my
class. It's guys like me who make the top half possible. If you get rid of
unmotivated persons like me, how would you separate the winners from
the losers?"
Said President Clinton, "With this USELESS law, we can finally bridge
the horrible gap between people with initiative and those who couldn't
care less. Just because you're willing to get up early, stay late, and work
harder does not entitle you to special privileges. For those of you
out-hustled, outsmarted, and out-performed by money-motivated
colleagues -- USELESS says that, no, you are not useless.
[This message has been edited by ChrisL (edited March 27, 2000).]
!!!!!!!!