I've noticed that folks tend to perceive recoil differently based on a number of separate factors such as 1) type of recoil (a short snap, i.e. low momentum/high energy OR long push, i.e. high momentum/low energy), 2) muzzle blast (I mean the noise) and 3) muzzle flash.
For example, I find that, in similar guns, .45ACP recoils more than .40S&W, because I tolerate short snaps better than long pushes.
Others, however, seem to be more affected by the reverse and/or by the shorter, but higher peak muzzle blast of the .40S&W.
So, for me, the 165 grain PD was much more tame than 230 grain H-S. Others may perceive it differently.
In actuality, the 165 grain recoils less than 230 grain in terms of momentum of the gun "hitting" one's hand. Yet, because the former has a much greater muzzle blast (sonic boom, maybe) and a more pronounced muzzle flash, some folks may perceive it to "kick like a mule."
BTW, why is it that otherwise excellent Federal ammo tends to have more muzzle flash than, say, Winchester? I noticed that Federal ammo generally has more consistent velocity as well as superior quality control, yet Winchester consistenly has smaller muzzle flash. It buggs me to no end, because I really would like to buy Federal exclusively, but can't help notice its more pronounced muzzle flash when shooting in a dark indoor range (which would better approximate a home defense scenario than an outdoor range).
Skorzeny
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For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the supreme excellence. Sun Tzu