the citizens of the USA
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not
aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not
aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
