Thought I would share some funnies emailed to me

[Wildcard]

Subject: FW: NAVAL DIRECTIVE

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of a naval
installation somewhere in the Middle East, and it was obviously directed
at the Marines. Everyone knows the Marines are a department of the Navy
- The Men's Department!!

Anchor-Clankers just never have had a sense of humor.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic
versions]

"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some
in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English
versions]

"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]

"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt
of this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800
Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.

 

[Wildcard]

USS William Jefferson Clinton CVGS 1 sails on maiden voyage

The latest member of the US Navy's fleet deployed on sea trials today.

11 November 2005 - San Francisco (API): The USS William Jefferson Clinton set sail this morning from its home port in San Francisco. The ship is the first of its kind to be commissioned in the Navy, and it is considered to be a fitting legacy to the former president's strong commitment to belittling the military and pushing for deep military budget cuts.

Made almost entirely out of recycled beer cans, the ship is solar powered and has a top speed of point five knots. The first in the new CGS (Carrier, Garbage Scow) class, it carries a complement of one decommissioned F14 Tomcat aircraft that, although non-functioning, presents a very menacing presence indeed.

Firearms are banned on board, but the ship is well armed with a deadly legal staff of activist judges that are a permanent part of t he crew. The diverse crew also includes members of every conceivable race, creed, sex, sexual deviation and Democratic Party subset.

The ship's mess is entirely vegetarian, and the crew is enjoined from wearing leather. Crew members that dislike the conformity of uniforms will be allowed to wear optional tie-dyed clothing.

In the former president's honor, the ship will fly the Stained Blue Dress ensign.

Upon completion of its sea trials the USS Clinton will return to its San Francisco home port where it will be used for aggressive progressive social engineering. In case of an armed conflict, the ship will immediately deploy to Canada where it will practice passive defensive hiding.

Spoilsport Republican critics called the home port choice a sop to California Democratic Senator Diane Feinstein. They claim it was payback because the Navy refused her many requests to have a decommissioned battleship given to San Francisco to be turned in to an anti-war museum.

Democrats pooh-poohed the charges, claiming that, as usual, extremist right-wing Nazi zealot Republicans were poisoning the national discourse.