Mike Irwin
Staff
Page 2
TOP SECRET
Date: 09/15/2000
Subject: Daily surveillance report
Target: FUD, aka "FUD the Lucky," aka "HOA FUD," aka "FUDagator," aka "Elmer"
Agent: Mike "Skulder" Irwin
Activities:
1150: Subject entered his automobile. This is the first time in my long career that I have ever seen anyone slam his own head in a car door. The cursing was profuse and extremely loud.
1159: Subject entered drive through lane at McDonald's. I was close enough to hear his interaction with the employee:
Subject: "A Cheeseburger Happy Meal with an orange drink and a large coffee, please."
McDonald's Employee: "Sir, we only sell Happy Meals to children."
Subject: "I'm taking it home to my daughter!"
McDonald's Employee: "No you're not, sir. I recognize you. You're going to eat it yourself and play with the toy."
Subject: "Just give me my ($#&^%)($#&^%&)(*&^% Happy &%*&$#&% Meal you &$#(*&^%)(*&#)(*&%!"
McDonald's Employee: "Please pull forward to the second window, and thank you for choosing McDonald's. Weirdo."
After ordering, the subject drove too close to "the second window" and removed the driver's side mirror from his car.
1209: Subject paid, received his order, and pulled away from the window. Subject paused momentarily to put on his seatbelt, and in doing so put his large coffee on the dashboard. While buckling his seatbelt, subject apparently hit the gas pedal. The coffee fell into the subject's lap. The cursing that followed was the loudest and longest yet, and the lunch crowd witnessed the subject running in circles around his car and flapping his arms in obvious distress.
(Note: Recommend that, if the opportunity presents itself, the subject's vocal chords be studied. They are apparently impervious to repeated sessions of loud yelling. The potential for scientific advances for sports fans appears to be enormous.)
1213: Subject returned to his office and exited his car. I noticed that the McDonald's Happy Meal Toy was clutched in his right hand. Thankfully, the subject entered the building without incident.
(NOTE: In my surveillance over the past several weeks I've noticed a recurring theme - that of the subject's coworkers never getting within 20 feet of the subject. When subject approaches, they scatter.)
1522: Several pieces of fire and rescue equipment roll up to the building. It appears not to be a fire, as the building is not evacuated.
1622: Fire and rescue personnel exit the office, many laughing hysterically. I caught a fragment of their conversation. "… That's the BEST one yet! My wife doesn't believe me when I tell her about this guy FUD!"
1630: Subject exited his office. The left leg of his slacks was missing, as were both of his shoes and his right sock. He was also covered with black smudges.
(NOTE: Further interviews with subject's coworkers revealed that subject became caught in a Xerox machine while trying to clear a paper jam. God help us.)
1636: Employing a shortcut, and moved ahead of the subject to await his arrival at his home.
1706: As I arrived at the subject's home, I noted the president of the Homeowner's Association placing a small, but extremely lively, alligator in the subject's mailbox.
1722: Subject arrived home and checked the mail. He reached into the mailbox, and almost immediately let out a loud howl and another, even more impressive, string of curses. The subject had found the alligator.
After freeing himself from the 'gator, subject proceeded immediately to the home of the president of the Homeowners Association. I readied myself in case it turned ugly. In fact, it was even uglier than I could have imagined, as the subject urinated on the HOA president's daffodils.
1736: Subject entered his house.
1752: I was startled by loud curses, screams, and crashes coming from subject's house. I readied myself to do a dynamic entry, convinced that the subject had finally snapped and was attempting to harm Mrs. FUD. I couldn't let that happen until I got her meatloaf recipe.
1756: Commotion subsided, but one final, blood-curdling scream pierced the evening. As I was exiting my unmarked unit, the subject, holding pillows to both sides of his head, exited the house, followed by Mrs. FUD and daughter FUD. There appeared to be a significant amount of blood on the pillows, and Mrs. FUD was carrying what appeared to be a bloody baggy.
1807: Emergency room, local hospital. Subject is admitted so plastic surgeons can reattach both of his severed ears. God help us all.
(Note: Interviews with doctors and nurses reveal that the subject keeps numerous "Samurai" swords in the home, which he uses to deal with snakes that enter the dwelling. While chasing a particular large snake, the subject managed to traumatically amputate both of his ears. It was also later revealed that the "snake" was nothing more than a section of garden hose that daughter FUD brought in from outside.)
1842: With subject spending the night in the local hospital, I removed myself from duty. Feeling vaguely unclean, I took a 2-hour shower, and visited the hotel bar.
The bartender was going to cut me off after 6 Brazilian Fannywhacker Rum Punches, but when he heard whom I was surveilling, he set a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequilla and a bowl of cut limes in front of me with the comment "You're going to need this, pal. God help us all."
End daily surveillance report.
------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.
TOP SECRET
Date: 09/15/2000
Subject: Daily surveillance report
Target: FUD, aka "FUD the Lucky," aka "HOA FUD," aka "FUDagator," aka "Elmer"
Agent: Mike "Skulder" Irwin
Activities:
1150: Subject entered his automobile. This is the first time in my long career that I have ever seen anyone slam his own head in a car door. The cursing was profuse and extremely loud.
1159: Subject entered drive through lane at McDonald's. I was close enough to hear his interaction with the employee:
Subject: "A Cheeseburger Happy Meal with an orange drink and a large coffee, please."
McDonald's Employee: "Sir, we only sell Happy Meals to children."
Subject: "I'm taking it home to my daughter!"
McDonald's Employee: "No you're not, sir. I recognize you. You're going to eat it yourself and play with the toy."
Subject: "Just give me my ($#&^%)($#&^%&)(*&^% Happy &%*&$#&% Meal you &$#(*&^%)(*&#)(*&%!"
McDonald's Employee: "Please pull forward to the second window, and thank you for choosing McDonald's. Weirdo."
After ordering, the subject drove too close to "the second window" and removed the driver's side mirror from his car.
1209: Subject paid, received his order, and pulled away from the window. Subject paused momentarily to put on his seatbelt, and in doing so put his large coffee on the dashboard. While buckling his seatbelt, subject apparently hit the gas pedal. The coffee fell into the subject's lap. The cursing that followed was the loudest and longest yet, and the lunch crowd witnessed the subject running in circles around his car and flapping his arms in obvious distress.
(Note: Recommend that, if the opportunity presents itself, the subject's vocal chords be studied. They are apparently impervious to repeated sessions of loud yelling. The potential for scientific advances for sports fans appears to be enormous.)
1213: Subject returned to his office and exited his car. I noticed that the McDonald's Happy Meal Toy was clutched in his right hand. Thankfully, the subject entered the building without incident.
(NOTE: In my surveillance over the past several weeks I've noticed a recurring theme - that of the subject's coworkers never getting within 20 feet of the subject. When subject approaches, they scatter.)
1522: Several pieces of fire and rescue equipment roll up to the building. It appears not to be a fire, as the building is not evacuated.
1622: Fire and rescue personnel exit the office, many laughing hysterically. I caught a fragment of their conversation. "… That's the BEST one yet! My wife doesn't believe me when I tell her about this guy FUD!"
1630: Subject exited his office. The left leg of his slacks was missing, as were both of his shoes and his right sock. He was also covered with black smudges.
(NOTE: Further interviews with subject's coworkers revealed that subject became caught in a Xerox machine while trying to clear a paper jam. God help us.)
1636: Employing a shortcut, and moved ahead of the subject to await his arrival at his home.
1706: As I arrived at the subject's home, I noted the president of the Homeowner's Association placing a small, but extremely lively, alligator in the subject's mailbox.
1722: Subject arrived home and checked the mail. He reached into the mailbox, and almost immediately let out a loud howl and another, even more impressive, string of curses. The subject had found the alligator.
After freeing himself from the 'gator, subject proceeded immediately to the home of the president of the Homeowners Association. I readied myself in case it turned ugly. In fact, it was even uglier than I could have imagined, as the subject urinated on the HOA president's daffodils.
1736: Subject entered his house.
1752: I was startled by loud curses, screams, and crashes coming from subject's house. I readied myself to do a dynamic entry, convinced that the subject had finally snapped and was attempting to harm Mrs. FUD. I couldn't let that happen until I got her meatloaf recipe.
1756: Commotion subsided, but one final, blood-curdling scream pierced the evening. As I was exiting my unmarked unit, the subject, holding pillows to both sides of his head, exited the house, followed by Mrs. FUD and daughter FUD. There appeared to be a significant amount of blood on the pillows, and Mrs. FUD was carrying what appeared to be a bloody baggy.
1807: Emergency room, local hospital. Subject is admitted so plastic surgeons can reattach both of his severed ears. God help us all.
(Note: Interviews with doctors and nurses reveal that the subject keeps numerous "Samurai" swords in the home, which he uses to deal with snakes that enter the dwelling. While chasing a particular large snake, the subject managed to traumatically amputate both of his ears. It was also later revealed that the "snake" was nothing more than a section of garden hose that daughter FUD brought in from outside.)
1842: With subject spending the night in the local hospital, I removed myself from duty. Feeling vaguely unclean, I took a 2-hour shower, and visited the hotel bar.
The bartender was going to cut me off after 6 Brazilian Fannywhacker Rum Punches, but when he heard whom I was surveilling, he set a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequilla and a bowl of cut limes in front of me with the comment "You're going to need this, pal. God help us all."
End daily surveillance report.
------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.
..guys!..