Two guys have a big knife fight and really tear each other up. One guy ends up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe. He can't even move his lips.
He mumbles to the doctor, "When will I be able to laugh again?" The doctor says, "Are you nuts? You almost died." The guy says, "No kidding, Doc, when will I be able to laugh again?" The doctor says, "You're nuts. You're sewn together with ten feet of thread. Why the hell do you want to know when you can laugh again?" The guy says, "Because the other guy is getting married next week and I've got his &&^$ in my coat pocket."
(hint - this is a joke Lorena Bobbit would approve of)
========================================
Top 10 Police Comeback Lines"
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
=======================================
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
=======================================
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..." A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. "You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
======================================
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
=====================================
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."
=====================================
1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. 2000 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work
is getting done.
1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. 2000 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2000 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and
they always taste like plastic.
1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. 2000 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers'
Club.
2000 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is
watching how much you drink.
1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't
like them.
2000 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things
were broken.
2000 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
He mumbles to the doctor, "When will I be able to laugh again?" The doctor says, "Are you nuts? You almost died." The guy says, "No kidding, Doc, when will I be able to laugh again?" The doctor says, "You're nuts. You're sewn together with ten feet of thread. Why the hell do you want to know when you can laugh again?" The guy says, "Because the other guy is getting married next week and I've got his &&^$ in my coat pocket."
(hint - this is a joke Lorena Bobbit would approve of)
========================================
Top 10 Police Comeback Lines"
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
=======================================
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
=======================================
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..." A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. "You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
======================================
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
=====================================
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."
=====================================
1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. 2000 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work
is getting done.
1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. 2000 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2000 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and
they always taste like plastic.
1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. 2000 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers'
Club.
2000 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is
watching how much you drink.
1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't
like them.
2000 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things
were broken.
2000 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.