first i grab my belt-o-cool-gadgets-and-gizmos (i simply refer to it as 'belt' for simplicity) and i push the 'play' button on the small tape player (its got the theme to star wars that repeats over and over), and then i plug my video transmitter into my tactical shades (because any good ninja has covertly planted video cameras in the entire neighborhoods homes for just this sort of potential emergency, right? RIGHT???) and then i scan the various channels until i find the right one with the cries for help emanating.
then i formulate a strategy, two backup strategies, and put them all into a flowchart on my palm pilot, which i then fax it over to my local PD so the responding officers will have a heads up as to what to expect (if its close enough to my wifi connection they can stream the video feed as well).
then i gear up with weapons. i take the ninjaed AR, with ten fully loaded 30 rd magazines, the kimber on the hip, the tactical 12 gauge is slung on my back, and with my off hand i take the single shot 20 gauge just in case things go sour.
i have homemade smoke 'nades (tennis balls filled with flour and tossed into a room throws up some decent cover) and on my shiny red wagon i have a 12 v battery hooked up to one of those bazillion candlepower flashlights that i have rigged up to strobe, not as noisy as a flashbang, but almost as much fun.
then i put on my 'pizza shack' hat (its a disguise, most idiots dont know that there isnt a pizza SHACK, i'm so clever it hurts) and go ring the doorbell of the home where the cries for help are coming from. if its a really bad situation, i can pose as a pizza delivery dude and stall them long enough for me to catch my breath from lugging all the gear over there. (trust me, i'm a professional, i've done this once or never, i know what i'm talking about).
once the bogies and tangos have closed the door i step my plan into high gear. i toss one of those lifesize dummies through a window as a decoy, so the perps can waste ammo shooting at nothing. then i run home because the thought of a steaming hot pizza pie has me hungrier than kirstie alley. plus while i'm there i can check my emails and see if anyones replied to my posts on TFL and THR.
but then its back to business, now the criminals are feeling comfortable and they'll make the biggest mistake yet: underestimating the power of my ninjatude! the rest of the plan is classified, so i have to end this now. but its only another 28 years until this will qualify for declassification, so stay tuned!