On the Lighter Side II

J

John/az2

New member
Recieved in the mailbox:
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

Support Tech:"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller:"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Support Tech:"What sort of trouble?"

Caller:"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words wen away."

Support Tech:"Went away?"

Caller:"They disappeared."

Support Tech:"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:"Nothing."

Support Tech:"Nothing?"

Caller:"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Support Tech:"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Support Tech:"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Caller:"What's a sea-prompt?"

Support Tech:"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller:"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Support Tech:"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Caller: "What's a monitor?

Support Tech:"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Caller:"I don't know."

Support Tech:"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Caller:"Yes, I think so."

Support Tech:"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Caller:"Yes, it is."

Support Tech:"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Caller: "No."

Support Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller:"Okay, here it is." Support Tech:"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Support Tech:"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Caller:"No."

Support Tech:"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Caller:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Support Tech:"Dark?"

Caller:"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Support Tech:"Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller:"I can't."

Support Tech:"No? Why not?"

Caller:"Because there's a power failure."

Support Tech:"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Caller:"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Support Tech:"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller:"Really? Is it that bad?"

Support Tech:"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller:"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Support Tech: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."[/quote]

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John/az

"The middle of the road between the extremes of good and evil, is evil. When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA!
 
Oh, that's so sad, and hurtful! He was probably just about finished with his letter to Dianne Feinstein supporting more gun control to stop those crazy NRA people! Ohhhhhhh .... ;)
 
Here is another tech support story that I love.

========================

From an ex-field sales/support survivor:

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

(After a few minutes of going round and round... )

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

(Customer does this.)

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

(The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later.)

Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost...

As you can see, this was a real live scenario. Kudos to Microsoft's, steely-eyed, fast-thinking technician!
 
That's hilarious and true without a doubt. The support tech shouldn't have been fired, he was prime management material!

I heard one along the same lines from the guy it happened to, a tech support guy. It was in the early '80's when personal computers were fairly new.

A lady calls the support line and asks how to load the software disks.

The support rep tells her to remove the diskette from its protective envelope. He hears over the phone the sound of a crinkling diskette.

He says to her, "You just removed the diskette from the holder through the little hole in the middle, didn't you?"

"Yes, it was a little hard to get out. Now what do I do?"

"Well, I'm going to send you another diskette by overnight mail. Do not open the mailing package until you call me back and have me on the phone then we'll try again, one step at a time. Have a nice day."
 
We get this stuff all the time...
Its real...
Its scary...

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"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud
Hey, have I mentioned my new book? It is called:
MEN ARE FROM MARS and WOMEN JUST NEED TO DEAL WITH IT!
 
On the lid of a can of Varnish...
*************
When all else fails, READ the INSTRUCTIONS & if that doesn't work call 1800 367 99000.
*************
I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who thought of that ! :)


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"The Gun from Down Under !"
http://www.para1911fanclub.w3.to/
E-mail hotshot_2000@hotmail.com
Alternate E-mail
HS2000@ausi.com
 
My IT Manager, after 6 months of trying to teach accounting staff how to use a PC-based accounting package (we use Macs for everything else -- no problems)) finally gave up and responded to a stupid request via internal e-mail:

"RTFM"

(Read The F***ing Manual)

B
 
I started a computer store back in the late 70's. This is a good example why I got out of the business. After the third time I had to drive across town to turn on the power switch on the printer.... People just drove me nuts. Calling all hours of the day and night with real stupid questions like the above.



------------------
Richard

The debate is not about guns,
but rather who has the ultimate power to rule,
the People or Government.
RKBA!
 
Mal H,
I beg to differ on your opinion of the tech rep becoming maganement material. That person apparantly knows their stuff and that would disqualify 90% of the management personnel I've ever met. Most management I've ever dealt with became management because of the Peter principle, seems like.
 
Episode one:

A disgruntled customer came into our service department (where I worked
years ago) to complain that this was the FOURTH time he brought his disk
drive in for repairs! He was HOT! And the fact that we found nothing
wrong with the drive and had not charged him anything for the three
previous check-outs did not impress him at all.

This time he brought in his entire system. It checked out fine! Again, we
ensured the computer was not near any big electrical equipment such as
generators or industrial-type equipment.

Nope! This was his “home” system! No electrical equipment in his home!
He’d tried his system in two different rooms and the computer was NO
GOOD! We in the service department also were NO GOOD!

Again, we said the equipment was fine and charged him nothing. He took
his system and left.

Two weeks passed.

Same customer comes in with empty hands and calm manner. “I have two
things to tell you,” says he.

“One. That computer still didn’t work at home - even after you checked it
out for the fourth time. I was convinced you were incompetent or lying so I
took it to a friend’s home. The computer worked fine. I took it home. It
wouldn’t work.

“I went outside and looked at the big power lines on that metal tower and
remembered what you said about generators and such.”

Immediately we interrupted, “Wow! So the power lines did it?”

He replies, “Yep. The computer works fine everywhere else - just not at
that house. It has to be the power lines that kept the disk drive from
working.”

We asked, “What’s the second thing you wanted to tell us?”

Says he, “My new address is .....”
--------------

Episode two:

An lady calls the service department. Her printer doesn’t work and she is
HOT!

“You said this was a good printer! It won’t even feed the paper! Each line is
right on top of the previous line!” (Tirade continues....)

I worked with her for a couple minutes but she kept interrupting with insults
about the computer, the service department, the store, the salesman, me,
my family, etc.

Finally she listens enough to check the paper path from the computer back
to the box of paper. (She was using a dot-matrix printer and continuous
fanfold paper fed directly from the box.)

Incredibly, suddenly, there is total silence.

Finally she says quietly, “Okay, I’ve got it fixed.”

For several minutes I try to get her to tell me what she fixed. “Please tell
me what you corrected. It could help us with other clients who have a
similar problem.”

“I don’t think so,” she says. And after a long sigh, “My cat was asleep on
the paper supply.”
-----------------

Truth can be stranger than fiction.

Bookkie, I understand, friend. I understand. ;)
 
Here's the two I'v heard:
A guy calls support and asks how to install software from a CD. The person on the phone tells him to open the CD tray. He asks where the CD drive is. The person on the phone tells him it is on the front of the computer. The man then asks the person on the phone if the CD drive is below or above the cup holder.
Another man calls tech support because he is having trouble installing software from a disk. The caller then says it's only the third disk that won't go into the drive. Tech support asks him if there appears to be something wrong with the disk, and the caller says no. The caller says that the first disk went in fine, the second one was a little more difficult and the third one won't go in at all. Apparently the guy had shoved the first two disks into one drive and was tryng to cram the third into the drive also
 
True Story.

Not long ago I handed my wife a CD-Rom and said, "Here, put this in and run the setup on it". (She's been using computers for years) Well, if I hadn't have seen it out of the corner of my eye, I wouldn't have believed it. She slid the thing right into the 5 1/4" floppy drive, and then asked why she couldn't find the setup program on the CD drive. My response: "I love you sweetie, now back away from the computer"

LL
 
I was a computer operator/support person at USMA at West Point 1970-73 (yeah, tough duty). Thoug I didn't have to deal with floppies or CD's the general level of user intelligence/ineptitude hasn't changed much in the last 29 years. There is a significant portion of the population that really should be kept from matches, sharp objects, hot liquids and anything more technologically advanced than a hammer (and even that may be a stretch for many). M2
 
Thank the Lord that I'm not in desktop support, but I still get some good ones. They mostly concern a user "shotgunning" for help. For instance, I support UNIX applications. I know Windows and PC's enough to use them but not enough to support them. Although we've had meetings, presentations and mass emails to our users here concerning who knows how to do what, folks still seem to think all IT people are interchangeable. We're not. I can't fix your printer, your Xerox machine, your radio, and I don't know how to load paper in that continuous feed plotter either, but the directions are on the machine. Yes, telecommunications is part of IT now but I can't do anything about your phone, you'll need to pour the Diet Dr. Pepper out of it yourself. No, I do not keep printer/computer supplies in my office. When I need to do something fancy in PowerPoint, I have to read the manual or ask somebody in desktop. Finally, just because your coffee cup is resting on your UNIX monitor, don't ask me to fill it when it's empty!
 
Had my own experience today. My friend and I play the IT dept for this one guy that is incredible computer dumb.
Today, he got a floppy stuck in the CD-ROM drive.

thats right, pioneer makes computer CD-ROMs like thier car CD players, no caddy. just an opening, and the motor sucks the CD in, well, this guy was working on a long paper and he shoves the 3 1/4" disk into the CD-ROM drive, and then calls us needing help. after containing our laughter we went over there and sure enough 3 1/4" disk all the way inside a CD-ROM drive.

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It ain't mah fault. did I do dat?
 
Years ago I was CFO for a real estate developer, and we had a bookkeeper who was entering data into a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet. I noticed that it was taking much longer than it should have.

I watched her for a few minutes, and became perplexed. She would type some characters into the spreadsheet from her computer keyboard, turn to her 10-key (adding machine) and type some numbers in there, and then turn back to her computer keyboard to type more numbers into the spreadsheet. When I got closer, I realized she was typing each number into the spreadsheet as a label - even to the extent of adding the apostrophe, as in " '3463 ", so the number would be left-justified. She typed an entire column of such 'numbers', and then manually added them up on her 10-key so she could put the total in at the bottom!

As gently as possible, I explained to her that Lotus was really very good at adding numbers, and then I showed her the magic '@sum' function.

I wasn't allowed to fire this woman because she was a friend of the family, and this business was rife with nepotism. I knew right then that my time there would be limited. ;)
 
here is one from the gun world

Man brought in a 92FS wanting a replacment barrel from Beretta, when asked why the customer handed the clerk the barrel in question that had a very nice bulge about 1/2 way down the tube, clerk asks did it come that way ? customer answers no, I was as the range and on the the reloads I was shooting did not have an powder in it. After I shot it I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE and decided that a second bullet would force it out. The clerk handed him back his property and informed him that NO warranty covered user error of that type. Customer left MAD but at least he left.
 
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