OK - I need some good, clean firearms jokes

J

Jeff Thomas

New member
In a little over one week I'll be doing my first speaking engagement re: the RKBA. It is a pretty friendly crowd, so this will be a good way to begin.

However, I'd like to start out on the lighter side, and I thought a good firearms joke or two would be helpful. I have a favorite, but it's a little off color for this mixed crowd.

Anyone have a favorite or two that won't make the ladies blush? Thanks.

Regards from AZ
 
Here's my favorite gun joke:

Jennings.

(rimshot)

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"The right of no person to keep and bear arms in defense of his home, person and property,
or in aid of the civil power when thereto legally summoned, shall be called into question.."
Article II, Section 13, CO state constitution.
 
Jeff, here's a true life story from Rockbridge County, VA. My wife's 8th grade science class was studying reptiles and the teacher told a story about a local duck hunter who was out on the lake in a rowboat when he looked down and saw a water moccasin in the bottom of the boat. He reacted without much thinking and shot the snake with his shotgun, obviously shooting a big hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat sank, he lost his shotgun, and he had to swim to shore.

The whole class was laughing at this except for Calvin. The teacher asked why he didn't think that was funny. He said it wasn't funny at all, it just was plain stupid. The teacher said, "Yes, it was stupid to shoot in the boat, but that's what's funny about it." Calvin said, "It's not that. The hunter should have shot another hole in the boat so the water would run out."
 
Here is a thread, I posted this joke then...I like it so I'll post it again, from a friend in Montana

Lots of good ones here Jeff: http://www.thefiringline.com:8080/forums/showthread.php?threadid=31499


A Californian, a Texan and a Montanan, attending
a convention in a
little town just outside Las Vegas, were
standing in a seedy bar
enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer and
knocked it back in one
gulp. He then threw the glass against the back
wall smashing it to
pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that
the standard of living
was so high in California that they never drank
out of the same glass
twice.

The Texan finished his margarita and threw his
glass against the back
wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not
only were they all rich
from oil but they had so much sand that glass
was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.

The Montanan drank his beer, drew his revolver
and shot the Californian
and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to
his holster he told the
wide-eyed bartender that in Montana they had so
many Californians and
Texans they never had to drink with the same
ones twice.

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"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes" RKBA!
 
Two jokes from army days, but maybe only appreciated by ex-GI types.

A. The scene is the Post Theater at Ft. Jackson. On the screen, a woman fed up with her husband's unfaithfulness, takes a Colt pocket pistol out of the desk drawer, and empties the magazine into hubbie. Then she drops the gun, puts her hands to her face in horror, and sobs, "Oh, what shall I do now?"

A GI, imitating the range loudspeaker, calls out, "Police up your brass and move back to the 200 yard line."

B. During basic in the 1950s, we had to do the infiltration course (where live ammo is fired over the trainee's heads) three times, once in the morning with no firing, once in the afternoon with firing, and once at night with tracers.

After the morning session, all the rifles were full of sand and valuable lunch time had to be taken to clean them. One fellow thought to prevent more dirt from getting in by wrapping a cloth around his M1. The sergeant spotted this and asked if the rifle had a monthly problem. He said that he had never heard of male and female rifles. Some wise guy came out with, "Where do you think carbines come from?"

Jim
 
This is an old one.

An AT&T tech gets drafted into the Army. At boot camp, he goes to the rifle range with the rest of his platoon and starts out shooting at 200 yards. After each shot, the recruits working in the target pits signal a miss. BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss. He shoots the rest of the magazine - BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG - and the target still comes out of the pit without a mark. So the former AT&T tech reloads, puts his finger over the muzzle, and BANG! blows his fingertip right off. Puzzled, he turns downrange and shouts, "The rifle's fine! The problem must be at your end!"
 
A Sunday school class is given an assignment, next Sunday the class is to have a story that illustrates a moral.

The next week the teacher asks Mary to tell her story.

Mary stands up and says "My Mommy keeps chickens for eggs. She used to put all the eggs in one big basket but one day she tripped and they all broke. So now she has two baskets."

"Very good" says the teacher "now what story does this illustrate?"

Mary replies "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good, Mary" says the teacher "now its your turn Jim."

Jim stands up and says "This is a story about my Uncle Buck. My Uncle Buck was a fighter pilot in 'Nam. One day he was shot down and all he had when he bailed out was a bottle of whisky, a Colt .45 and a machete. He wasn't going to let the VC have the whisky so he drank it on the way down. When he landed there was a platoon of VC, so he picked up his Colt and killed half them. Then he ran out of ammo so he picked up the Machete and killed some more. When that broke he strangled the rest of them with his bare hands."

The teacher stands there horrified, trembling she asks "what a horrid, horrid story, what possible moral could this terrible tale illustrate?"

Jim replies, "don't mess with my Uncle Buck when he's been drinking."

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"Quemadmoeum gladius neminem occidit, occidentis telum est."
("A sword is never a killer, it's a tool in the killer's hands.") -
Lucius Annaeus Seneca "the Younger" (ca. 4 BC-65 AD).
 
This one comes from TFL or Bladeforums, quite awhile ago:

Picture if you will Pennsylvania around 1710. A Quaker hears a strange noise in the middle of the night and, investigating with his trusty musket, encounters a thug just about to leave with his few valuable possessions. The thug takes a step toward the Quaker with a small knife, whereupon the Quaker takes a step back and levels the musket between the thug's eyes, flint cocked back.
"Ha! Good bluff, Quaker, but you're not about to shoot me! Quakers don't take life." the thug sneered.
The Quaker only smiled a little smile and replied:
"I would not shoot thee for the world, dear friend! Unfortunately thou art standing where I am about to shoot . . . ."

------------------
Don

"Its not criminals that go into schools and shoot children"
--Ann Pearston, British Gun Control apologist and moron
 
Jeff, Is jokeing about firearms a good idea in this day and age if you just think you are speaking to a friendly group?
Just Paranoid, Hank
 
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, eats dinner, then jumps up, shoots the waiter, and runs out without paying for the meal. The restaurant owner chases him down and grabs him, shouting "what are you crazy!? You come into my restaurant, eat dinner, shoot my waiter, and then run out! What's wrong with you?!" To which the panda replies "nothing, I'm a panda". "What do you mean?" says the restaurant owner. The panda repeats "I told you, I'm a panda, look it up!
The restaurant owner runs back to his office, grabs a dictionary, and looks it up: panda, a black and white bear native to the central asian highlands. Eats shoots and leaves.
 
A lot of great jokes! Thanks ... keep 'em coming.

And Hank, I think humor always helps, as long as folks know that I don't see firearms themselves as a laughing matter. ;)

Regards from AZ
 
Did you hear the one about the gun expert who shot himself in the foot? He always claimed that he always followed the rules of safe gun handling...

C'mon... you guys never heard that one?

Well neither did I... if you always handle firearms safely, you'll never shoot yourself in the foot.
 
Ok Jeff, I love a good joke. Is This Crowd too mixed to hear your off color one? I would love to hear it. I was just thinking that if your speaking engagement was a new group you might want to feel them out before joking around with them. An ice breaker always helps but sometimes may bite you. So let's have joke
Regards, Hank
 
OK, Hank. This one is on the thread DC cited earlier, and is courtesy of Bruce in West Oz. It is a bit rude for this crowd, although I think it's a cute one ;) :

_____________________________________________

A fella is out in the woods, hunting rabbits with his trusty .22, when he spies a giant, trophy-size black bear, not 25 yards away. He's undergunned, but it's so close, so he throws the .22 to his shoulder, aims, and lets fly. The bear drops on the spot.
He pushes through the woods to claim his trophy -- but the bear's gone. Puzzled, he looks around -- and a great, hairy paw reaches over, snatched the .22 and bends it into a pretzel. It's the bear -- totally unharmed.

'All right,' says the bear. 'You're gonna have to be punished. Drop your pants and undies and lie face down over that log.'

After the bear has had his wicked way with the hapless hunter, he disappears into the woods.

Mortified -- and more than a little sore -- our hunter races home. He wrenches the old 'thutty-thutty' off the wall and heads back into the woods.

Sure enough, he spies the bear again. He knows it's the same bear because of the big, satisfied grin on its face. He stalks closer -- 100 yards, 70 yards, 40 yards -- he can't miss.

Two quick shots, as fast as he can work the action, and the bear drops on the spot.

'Got you!' our hunter cries.

But before he can move, he hears a noise behind him. He turns fearfully, and there's the bear -- untouched -- rearing up on his back legs, teeth bared. Terrified, the hunter drops his rifle.

'You again!' says the bear. 'OK, you know the drill -- drop the pants and the undies and bend over and grasp your ankles.'

Two hours later our friend the hunter is back in the woods, with his brand new Rigby .416 double, loaded, cocked and ready to roar.

He finds the bear asleep, under a tree. Carefully, he lines up and lets both barrels rip at once! When the smoke clears, there's no sign of the bear.

Then there's a gentle tap on his shoulder. fearfully he turns to find -- the bear, unharmed.

'Look,' says the bear, not unkindly, as the trembling hunter begins to undo his trousers for the third time. 'Be honest with me -- you're not really in this just for the hunting, are you?'
 
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