George Hill
Staff Alumnus
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it
in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done
by others more edicated than me who take their job
seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise
to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United
States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it
amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and
will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -snicker- "basic training," I will be a
lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe
that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to
clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back
with it.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will
go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted EVER and understand
that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will
outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature:___________________ Date:________________
*********************************************
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life
to the United States Army because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not
tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me
because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into
my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date.
I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that
the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual
harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored
perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual-er-I mean, BASIC training, I
will attend a different Army school once every other month
and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart.
I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she
might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her
back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back
to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up
working construction with my friends from high school.
I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
*********************************************
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and
to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I
own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man
during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead,
cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and
toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms,
ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make
absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I
can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon
and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice each fiscal year.
I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
*********************************************
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear... uhhhh...
high-and-tight... <grunt>... cammies... ugh... Air Force...
Women....OORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
------------------
"The rage is relentless... We need a movement with a quickness.
You are a witness of change and to counteract - We gotta take the power back!"
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
The Critic formerly known as Kodiac
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it
in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done
by others more edicated than me who take their job
seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise
to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United
States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it
amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and
will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -snicker- "basic training," I will be a
lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe
that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to
clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back
with it.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will
go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted EVER and understand
that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will
outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature:___________________ Date:________________
*********************************************
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life
to the United States Army because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not
tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me
because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into
my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date.
I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that
the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual
harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored
perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual-er-I mean, BASIC training, I
will attend a different Army school once every other month
and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart.
I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she
might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her
back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back
to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up
working construction with my friends from high school.
I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
*********************************************
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and
to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I
own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man
during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead,
cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and
toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms,
ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make
absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I
can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon
and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice each fiscal year.
I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
*********************************************
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear... uhhhh...
high-and-tight... <grunt>... cammies... ugh... Air Force...
Women....OORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
------------------
"The rage is relentless... We need a movement with a quickness.
You are a witness of change and to counteract - We gotta take the power back!"
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
The Critic formerly known as Kodiac
!