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NY Times on the Dem convention = funny
- Thread starter Glenn E. Meyer
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July 12, 2000
LIBERTIES / By MAUREEN DOWD
L.A. Story: It's About Me!
WASHINGTON --
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe, Chairman of the Democratic National Convention
From: Bill Clinton, Still President of the United States
Re: The Clinton Convention
Hey, buddy, I know you're really busy digging up more dollars for the cause. So I've taken the liberty of drafting a schedule for L.A. that makes a heap of sense.
Day One: Our theme is "Putting People Who Are President First."
1 p.m. Welcoming party, LAX.
3 p.m. Welcoming party, Century Plaza lobby.
4 p.m. Welcoming party in suite.
8 p.m. Hollywood Hails a Boy From Hope.
10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Miramax Salute to Welfare Reform at Spago.
Day Two: Our theme is "Defending the Constitution."
1 p.m. Opening address by Senator Robert Torricelli: "The Inanity of Impeachment."
4 p.m. Panel with presidential scholars Sean Wilentz, Sidney Blumenthal and Salma Hayek: "The 22nd Amendment: A Good Idea Gone Bad."
Day Three: My prime-time speech about how I led the Democrats back from the wilderness, rescued the U.S. economy and made world peace.
On stage, offering tributes, will be Barak, Arafat, David Trimble, Gerry Adams, Tony Blair and Tom Hanks.
Day Four: Our theme is "Savoring the Clinton Legacy."
8 a.m. Gores arrive at LAX. Janet Reno greets them.
9 a.m. "Thank You, Mr. President" Breakfast. Al can have his star turn introducing me.
3 p.m. Clinton Job Fair, with recruiters from DreamWorks, Sony, Goldman Sachs, Citigroup and AOL-Time Warner.
10 p.m. Hillary returns to Buffalo. I go to David Geffen's to chill on his cream leather couches.
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe
From: Hillary Clinton
Re: The Hillary! Convention
Ideas for my convention:
Day One: Tribute to Hillary Rodham Clinton, First Lady of First Ladies.
Day Two: Tribute to Hillary!, Senate Candidate Extraordinaire and Superstar Successor to Bobby Kennedy. With a moving bio, "The Girl From Chappaqua."
Day Three: I make a rousing prime-time speech lambasting New York City electric rates, as Bill and Derek Jeter watch adoringly.
Day Four: Eleanor and Hillary, a Musical Paean to Two Great New York Dames, with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think we can best utilize the vice president by having him backstage hosting the Webcast each night, chatting online with New York voters about how I'm doing.
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe
From: Al Gore
Re: The Gore Convention
Terry -- some musings about how we should prioritize the week.
Day One: 6 p.m. Clintons arrive at LAX for airport rally. They appear at the door of Air Force One, smiling and waving. I know Bill and Hillary are resisting a joint appearance at a time that competes with Monday Night Football. But it's only an exhibition game, and we'll time their appearance for halftime.
6:05 p.m. Clintons are No. 1 for takeoff. They disappear into the wilds of the Adirondacks on vacation. Are not seen or heard from again. At all. All week.
Day Two: Our theme is "Tipper Beats the Drum for Al."
6 p.m. Tipper plays the drums, accompanied by Karenna and Naomi Wolf, in an all-girl band salute to me.
8 p.m. Tipper gives a prime-time speech aimed at women voters about what a hunk of burning love I am. Afterward I come out and do a few push-ups to show how incredibly buff I am and then we dance to Motown, as film clips from "Love Story" play on a big screen.
Day Three: The theme is "Rediscovering the Human Side of Al Gore," including a yet-to-be-selected Gore family tragedy.
Day Four: The theme is "Rediscovering the Lighter Side of Al Gore," including hilarious and beloved comedy routines where I balance a broom on my nose, do the booty-call line dance and hypnotize chickens.
LIBERTIES / By MAUREEN DOWD
L.A. Story: It's About Me!
WASHINGTON --
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe, Chairman of the Democratic National Convention
From: Bill Clinton, Still President of the United States
Re: The Clinton Convention
Hey, buddy, I know you're really busy digging up more dollars for the cause. So I've taken the liberty of drafting a schedule for L.A. that makes a heap of sense.
Day One: Our theme is "Putting People Who Are President First."
1 p.m. Welcoming party, LAX.
3 p.m. Welcoming party, Century Plaza lobby.
4 p.m. Welcoming party in suite.
8 p.m. Hollywood Hails a Boy From Hope.
10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Miramax Salute to Welfare Reform at Spago.
Day Two: Our theme is "Defending the Constitution."
1 p.m. Opening address by Senator Robert Torricelli: "The Inanity of Impeachment."
4 p.m. Panel with presidential scholars Sean Wilentz, Sidney Blumenthal and Salma Hayek: "The 22nd Amendment: A Good Idea Gone Bad."
Day Three: My prime-time speech about how I led the Democrats back from the wilderness, rescued the U.S. economy and made world peace.
On stage, offering tributes, will be Barak, Arafat, David Trimble, Gerry Adams, Tony Blair and Tom Hanks.
Day Four: Our theme is "Savoring the Clinton Legacy."
8 a.m. Gores arrive at LAX. Janet Reno greets them.
9 a.m. "Thank You, Mr. President" Breakfast. Al can have his star turn introducing me.
3 p.m. Clinton Job Fair, with recruiters from DreamWorks, Sony, Goldman Sachs, Citigroup and AOL-Time Warner.
10 p.m. Hillary returns to Buffalo. I go to David Geffen's to chill on his cream leather couches.
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe
From: Hillary Clinton
Re: The Hillary! Convention
Ideas for my convention:
Day One: Tribute to Hillary Rodham Clinton, First Lady of First Ladies.
Day Two: Tribute to Hillary!, Senate Candidate Extraordinaire and Superstar Successor to Bobby Kennedy. With a moving bio, "The Girl From Chappaqua."
Day Three: I make a rousing prime-time speech lambasting New York City electric rates, as Bill and Derek Jeter watch adoringly.
Day Four: Eleanor and Hillary, a Musical Paean to Two Great New York Dames, with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think we can best utilize the vice president by having him backstage hosting the Webcast each night, chatting online with New York voters about how I'm doing.
Memo
To: Terry McAuliffe
From: Al Gore
Re: The Gore Convention
Terry -- some musings about how we should prioritize the week.
Day One: 6 p.m. Clintons arrive at LAX for airport rally. They appear at the door of Air Force One, smiling and waving. I know Bill and Hillary are resisting a joint appearance at a time that competes with Monday Night Football. But it's only an exhibition game, and we'll time their appearance for halftime.
6:05 p.m. Clintons are No. 1 for takeoff. They disappear into the wilds of the Adirondacks on vacation. Are not seen or heard from again. At all. All week.
Day Two: Our theme is "Tipper Beats the Drum for Al."
6 p.m. Tipper plays the drums, accompanied by Karenna and Naomi Wolf, in an all-girl band salute to me.
8 p.m. Tipper gives a prime-time speech aimed at women voters about what a hunk of burning love I am. Afterward I come out and do a few push-ups to show how incredibly buff I am and then we dance to Motown, as film clips from "Love Story" play on a big screen.
Day Three: The theme is "Rediscovering the Human Side of Al Gore," including a yet-to-be-selected Gore family tragedy.
Day Four: The theme is "Rediscovering the Lighter Side of Al Gore," including hilarious and beloved comedy routines where I balance a broom on my nose, do the booty-call line dance and hypnotize chickens.