Not sure if it's been posted here before but it is damn funny.
A little satire for your reading pleasure...
HERSHEY, PA--In one of the largest product-liability rulings in U.S.
history, the Hershey Foods Corporation was ordered by a Pennsylvania
jury Monday to pay $135 billion in restitution fees to 900,000 obese
Americans who for years consumed the company's fattening snack foods.
"Let this verdict send a clear message to Big Chocolate," said
Pennsylvania Attorney General Andrew Garsten, addressing reporters following
the historic ruling. "If you knowingly sell products that cause obesity,
you will pay."
The five-state class-action suit accused Hershey's of "knowingly and
willfully marketing rich, fatty candy bars containing chocolate and other
ingredients of negligible nutritional value." The company was also charged
with publishing nutritional information only under pressure from the
government, marketing products to children, and artificially "spiking"
their products with such substances as peanuts, crisped rice, and
caramel to increase consumer appeal.
Jurors took less than five hours to reach the decision following
a two-year trial covering nearly one million snackers in Pennsylvania,
Florida, New Hampshire, Arizona, and Texas. A majority of the
unprecedented punitive damages will go toward obesity victims and
their immediate families. The remainder will be funneled into
weight-loss and youth-snacking prevention programs.
"This is a vindication for myself and all chocolate victims,"
said Beaumont, TX, resident Earl Hoffler, holding a picture of his wife
Emily, who in 1998 succumbed to obesity after nearly 40 years of
chocoholism. "This award cannot bring Emily back, but I take some
comfort knowing that her tragic, unnecessary death did not go
unpunished."
Hoffler's teary-eyed account of his wife's brave battle against
chocolate was widely regarded as the emotional high point of the trial.
First introduced to Hershey's chocolate as a young trick-or-treater,
Emily quickly developed a four-bar-a-day habit, turning in adulthood
to Hershey's Special Dark, a stronger, unfiltered form of the product.
By age 47, she had ballooned to 352 pounds and was a full-blown
chocoholic. What little savings the family had was drained by Weight
Watchers memberships, weight loss videotapes, and Fat
Trapper pills, all of which proved futile and only prolonged the Tofflers''
agonizing ordeal.
Equally pleased by the ruling was Mel Brewer of Phoenix, whose
father received free chocolate as a soldier during World War II.
"Dad came back from Europe hooked," Brewer said.
"Before long, he was going through a case of Mounds and Mr.
Goodbars a week. He wouldn't eat ice cream without Hershey's
chocolate syrup and crushed Heath bars on it. He died of a
heart attack at age 54 weighing 415 pounds."
With litigation pending against the nation's top five chocolate
makers, including a $102 billion Mississippi suit against Nestle,
the entire industry is on alert. Big Chocolate has already
suffered numerous major setbacks in recent years. In 1997, a
California judge ordered chocolate manufacturers to fund $27 billion
in education programs to prevent youth chocolate consumption. In
1999, a federal judge prohibited chocolate advertising on TV
and billboards and banned the use of cartoon imagery in
advertising. In addition, the judge ruled that a warning
label must be placed on all chocolate products reading, "The Surgeon
General Has Determined That Eating Chocolate May Lead To
Being Really Fat."
Lawyers for the Hershey Corporation said the company
intends to appeal the decision, which could drive the price of a
1.4-ounce pack of Rolos as high as $1.29.
"Adult consumers know the risks involved in using our products,"
Hershey's chief counsel Marvin Black said. "They know that if not used
in a responsible manner, there can be some negative consequences. But
this is true of anything in life. Further, the decision to use our products is
one that has always been left up to the individual. The Hershey Corporation
has never forced anyone to use its products, nor has it ever intentionally
added substances to its candies to increase addictiveness. If consumers
are hooked, it is only because of said candy's overwhelmingly delicious
chocolate goodness."
Whatever the outcome of the Hershey's appeal, the chocolate industry
has irrevocably changed as a result of Monday's verdict.
"For over a century, Hershey's has lived off the fat of the land,"
Erie, PA, claimant Pamela Schiff said. "Now it's time to pay us back."
------------------
"Some people spend an entire liftime wondering if they made a difference. Marines don't have that problem."
Semper Fi
A little satire for your reading pleasure...
HERSHEY, PA--In one of the largest product-liability rulings in U.S.
history, the Hershey Foods Corporation was ordered by a Pennsylvania
jury Monday to pay $135 billion in restitution fees to 900,000 obese
Americans who for years consumed the company's fattening snack foods.
"Let this verdict send a clear message to Big Chocolate," said
Pennsylvania Attorney General Andrew Garsten, addressing reporters following
the historic ruling. "If you knowingly sell products that cause obesity,
you will pay."
The five-state class-action suit accused Hershey's of "knowingly and
willfully marketing rich, fatty candy bars containing chocolate and other
ingredients of negligible nutritional value." The company was also charged
with publishing nutritional information only under pressure from the
government, marketing products to children, and artificially "spiking"
their products with such substances as peanuts, crisped rice, and
caramel to increase consumer appeal.
Jurors took less than five hours to reach the decision following
a two-year trial covering nearly one million snackers in Pennsylvania,
Florida, New Hampshire, Arizona, and Texas. A majority of the
unprecedented punitive damages will go toward obesity victims and
their immediate families. The remainder will be funneled into
weight-loss and youth-snacking prevention programs.
"This is a vindication for myself and all chocolate victims,"
said Beaumont, TX, resident Earl Hoffler, holding a picture of his wife
Emily, who in 1998 succumbed to obesity after nearly 40 years of
chocoholism. "This award cannot bring Emily back, but I take some
comfort knowing that her tragic, unnecessary death did not go
unpunished."
Hoffler's teary-eyed account of his wife's brave battle against
chocolate was widely regarded as the emotional high point of the trial.
First introduced to Hershey's chocolate as a young trick-or-treater,
Emily quickly developed a four-bar-a-day habit, turning in adulthood
to Hershey's Special Dark, a stronger, unfiltered form of the product.
By age 47, she had ballooned to 352 pounds and was a full-blown
chocoholic. What little savings the family had was drained by Weight
Watchers memberships, weight loss videotapes, and Fat
Trapper pills, all of which proved futile and only prolonged the Tofflers''
agonizing ordeal.
Equally pleased by the ruling was Mel Brewer of Phoenix, whose
father received free chocolate as a soldier during World War II.
"Dad came back from Europe hooked," Brewer said.
"Before long, he was going through a case of Mounds and Mr.
Goodbars a week. He wouldn't eat ice cream without Hershey's
chocolate syrup and crushed Heath bars on it. He died of a
heart attack at age 54 weighing 415 pounds."
With litigation pending against the nation's top five chocolate
makers, including a $102 billion Mississippi suit against Nestle,
the entire industry is on alert. Big Chocolate has already
suffered numerous major setbacks in recent years. In 1997, a
California judge ordered chocolate manufacturers to fund $27 billion
in education programs to prevent youth chocolate consumption. In
1999, a federal judge prohibited chocolate advertising on TV
and billboards and banned the use of cartoon imagery in
advertising. In addition, the judge ruled that a warning
label must be placed on all chocolate products reading, "The Surgeon
General Has Determined That Eating Chocolate May Lead To
Being Really Fat."
Lawyers for the Hershey Corporation said the company
intends to appeal the decision, which could drive the price of a
1.4-ounce pack of Rolos as high as $1.29.
"Adult consumers know the risks involved in using our products,"
Hershey's chief counsel Marvin Black said. "They know that if not used
in a responsible manner, there can be some negative consequences. But
this is true of anything in life. Further, the decision to use our products is
one that has always been left up to the individual. The Hershey Corporation
has never forced anyone to use its products, nor has it ever intentionally
added substances to its candies to increase addictiveness. If consumers
are hooked, it is only because of said candy's overwhelmingly delicious
chocolate goodness."
Whatever the outcome of the Hershey's appeal, the chocolate industry
has irrevocably changed as a result of Monday's verdict.
"For over a century, Hershey's has lived off the fat of the land,"
Erie, PA, claimant Pamela Schiff said. "Now it's time to pay us back."
------------------
"Some people spend an entire liftime wondering if they made a difference. Marines don't have that problem."
Semper Fi