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There's Something In My Ice Cream!!!
1/1/0099
Yeech! There's Something In My Ice Cream!
Let's crush Ben & Jerry's!
by Tom Adkins
Last week, I found a nasty surprise in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough frozen yogurt. Buried in one of those luscious globs of goo was a fingernail clipping, which my tongue unfortunately found. I mailed the offending fingernail clipping and the empty container back to Ben &Jerry's with a heartbreaking letter, which I'll share with you.
________________
Dear Ben & Jerry's,
I am an avid ice-cream lover. I've always found Ben & Jerry's ice cream exceptional. But I found a fingernail shaving in my last pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. (It is enclosed for your review.) Yeccchhhh!
This puts me in a predicament. Normally, I'm a conservative capitalist who wouldn't worry about this. But lately, I've been inspired by your political activism. I am wondering how I should resolve this fingernail-in-the-ice-cream crisis. Should I take the socialist, liberal activism you recommend? If so, I must immediately establish a class action lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's. I'll shed tears on CNN. And cry bitterly on 60 Minutes. I'll take my case to the American people via NBC, ABC, CBS, XYX, and every media outlet across America in a personal vendetta against the nasty, uncaring Ben & Jerry's corporation. I shall start a nationwide boycott. I'll create a nonprofit group, dedicated to monitoring Ben & Jerry's. Actually, we'd be dedicated to destroying Ben & Jerry's, but we'll pretend we were motivated by altruism. We can actually pay ourselves to protest, like all the liberal groups do. I'll be president, of course. I'll pay myself a handsome salary, for making such a sacrifice to serve my fellow man. I'll call it "Group for Ethical Treatment from Ben & Jerry's" (GETBJ), That would lead to a government oversight committee, and I'd bring dozens of big-time celebrity witnesses to testify against Ben & Jerry's failures. Maybe Calista Flockhart.
I can see the trial transcripts...
CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I was really bummed out when my boyfriend stopped calling. (sniff) I discovered he was having a fling with the cashier at Burger World. I was devastated. That night, I sat down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I ate the whole thing...and guess what? (sob) I didn't feel happier. So I ate another pint. NOTHING. I slurped down FIVE PINTS OF BEN & JERRY'S. And I didn't feel ONE BIT HAPPIER. For years, ice cream has been portrayed as the salve for every woman's psychological wounds. But this time, when I really needed it the most, Ben & Jerry's failed me! (Bitter sob) But worse, it threw me on a path away from the anorexia and bulimia that had made me a big star. NOW look at me...I weighed 103 pounds this morning. How am I going to keep my stardom if I'm 20 pounds overweight??? It's AWFUL!!!! So you see why every woman in America should join in this class-action suit against these
mean-spirited people who have been LYING to women the WHOLE TIME!!!" "Uh...femme gay guys can join, too..."[/quote]
SEN HELMS: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Well, young lady...perhaps we should consider a ban on this product?"[/quote]
CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Are you nuts, Senator? We should tax every Ben & Jerry's pint 3 bucks, so we can fund universal health care...you know...for the children..."[/quote]
Ice cream is a dangerous product, as well. How many tongues have gotten stuck to frozen spoons? How many women (and chubby rock stars like Meatloaf or Ann Wilson) have suffered ice cream that gets stuck in long hair? What about embarrassing flatus for the lactose intolerant? And that poor fellow in Duluth who dumped ice cream on his lap? Do you have any idea what happens to a man when 20-degree ice cream hits the family jewels?
Permanent damage!!! Irreparable scars!!! And mental anguish beyond description!!! Oh, the humanity!!! I think he is due about 3 million, at least. I have the right to get my ice cream without the fear of fingernails. I want a fingernail-free label on all ice cream.
We must create a federal Department of Ice Cream. There should be a license to make or eat ice cream. We'll have a Zero Fingernail Tolerance campaign, too. We'll need 100,000 ice-cream cops. Our secret long-term goal would be to eliminate ice cream from America. After all, heart disease is the #1 killer of Americans, WAY more than gun violence. The Department of Ice Cream should bring a civil rights lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's, too. After all, Ben & Jerry's has secretly targeted people with a sweet-tooth or boyfriend problems...and then callously threw fingernails into ice-cream after they're hooked. And if I don't get my way? I'll get a few thousand people together, march to Vermont and have a good old-fashioned riot. I hear those anarchists from the Battle in Seattle are itching for another fight. Ben & Jerry's certainly deserves such treatment, having become just another out-of-touch conglomerate seeking world domination at the expense of the little guy. FORTUNATELY, however, I am an avid capitalist. I will take the market approach. As a consumer, I am making the assumption that this fingernail was unintentional, and Ben & Jerry's will take it upon themselves to make sure it doesn't happen again. After all, too many incidents like this and the word will get around. And Ben & Jerry's is not only interested in a quality product, but staying in business as well. This is called "personal responsibility." The core of conservatism. The antithesis of liberalism. And fortunately for Ben & Jerry's, I am a conservative capitalist. I, the consumer, will make my own judgment as to how I will handle this.
And I choose to simply write you a letter. Of course, 50,000 people will read this article, and I can't make assumptions for them. Perhaps the next time you make a presentation to congress, you might extol the joys of Conservative Capitalism. It's a beautiful thing. It's probably saved your ass a hundred times already, and you don't even know it. Say...did I just hear some Oreo's fall on the floor?
Yours,
Tom Adkins
Executive Publisher
the Common Conservative http://commonconservative.com/
1/1/0099
Yeech! There's Something In My Ice Cream!
Let's crush Ben & Jerry's!
by Tom Adkins
Last week, I found a nasty surprise in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough frozen yogurt. Buried in one of those luscious globs of goo was a fingernail clipping, which my tongue unfortunately found. I mailed the offending fingernail clipping and the empty container back to Ben &Jerry's with a heartbreaking letter, which I'll share with you.
________________
Dear Ben & Jerry's,
I am an avid ice-cream lover. I've always found Ben & Jerry's ice cream exceptional. But I found a fingernail shaving in my last pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. (It is enclosed for your review.) Yeccchhhh!
This puts me in a predicament. Normally, I'm a conservative capitalist who wouldn't worry about this. But lately, I've been inspired by your political activism. I am wondering how I should resolve this fingernail-in-the-ice-cream crisis. Should I take the socialist, liberal activism you recommend? If so, I must immediately establish a class action lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's. I'll shed tears on CNN. And cry bitterly on 60 Minutes. I'll take my case to the American people via NBC, ABC, CBS, XYX, and every media outlet across America in a personal vendetta against the nasty, uncaring Ben & Jerry's corporation. I shall start a nationwide boycott. I'll create a nonprofit group, dedicated to monitoring Ben & Jerry's. Actually, we'd be dedicated to destroying Ben & Jerry's, but we'll pretend we were motivated by altruism. We can actually pay ourselves to protest, like all the liberal groups do. I'll be president, of course. I'll pay myself a handsome salary, for making such a sacrifice to serve my fellow man. I'll call it "Group for Ethical Treatment from Ben & Jerry's" (GETBJ), That would lead to a government oversight committee, and I'd bring dozens of big-time celebrity witnesses to testify against Ben & Jerry's failures. Maybe Calista Flockhart.
I can see the trial transcripts...
CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I was really bummed out when my boyfriend stopped calling. (sniff) I discovered he was having a fling with the cashier at Burger World. I was devastated. That night, I sat down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I ate the whole thing...and guess what? (sob) I didn't feel happier. So I ate another pint. NOTHING. I slurped down FIVE PINTS OF BEN & JERRY'S. And I didn't feel ONE BIT HAPPIER. For years, ice cream has been portrayed as the salve for every woman's psychological wounds. But this time, when I really needed it the most, Ben & Jerry's failed me! (Bitter sob) But worse, it threw me on a path away from the anorexia and bulimia that had made me a big star. NOW look at me...I weighed 103 pounds this morning. How am I going to keep my stardom if I'm 20 pounds overweight??? It's AWFUL!!!! So you see why every woman in America should join in this class-action suit against these
mean-spirited people who have been LYING to women the WHOLE TIME!!!" "Uh...femme gay guys can join, too..."[/quote]
SEN HELMS: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Well, young lady...perhaps we should consider a ban on this product?"[/quote]
CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Are you nuts, Senator? We should tax every Ben & Jerry's pint 3 bucks, so we can fund universal health care...you know...for the children..."[/quote]
Ice cream is a dangerous product, as well. How many tongues have gotten stuck to frozen spoons? How many women (and chubby rock stars like Meatloaf or Ann Wilson) have suffered ice cream that gets stuck in long hair? What about embarrassing flatus for the lactose intolerant? And that poor fellow in Duluth who dumped ice cream on his lap? Do you have any idea what happens to a man when 20-degree ice cream hits the family jewels?
Permanent damage!!! Irreparable scars!!! And mental anguish beyond description!!! Oh, the humanity!!! I think he is due about 3 million, at least. I have the right to get my ice cream without the fear of fingernails. I want a fingernail-free label on all ice cream.
We must create a federal Department of Ice Cream. There should be a license to make or eat ice cream. We'll have a Zero Fingernail Tolerance campaign, too. We'll need 100,000 ice-cream cops. Our secret long-term goal would be to eliminate ice cream from America. After all, heart disease is the #1 killer of Americans, WAY more than gun violence. The Department of Ice Cream should bring a civil rights lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's, too. After all, Ben & Jerry's has secretly targeted people with a sweet-tooth or boyfriend problems...and then callously threw fingernails into ice-cream after they're hooked. And if I don't get my way? I'll get a few thousand people together, march to Vermont and have a good old-fashioned riot. I hear those anarchists from the Battle in Seattle are itching for another fight. Ben & Jerry's certainly deserves such treatment, having become just another out-of-touch conglomerate seeking world domination at the expense of the little guy. FORTUNATELY, however, I am an avid capitalist. I will take the market approach. As a consumer, I am making the assumption that this fingernail was unintentional, and Ben & Jerry's will take it upon themselves to make sure it doesn't happen again. After all, too many incidents like this and the word will get around. And Ben & Jerry's is not only interested in a quality product, but staying in business as well. This is called "personal responsibility." The core of conservatism. The antithesis of liberalism. And fortunately for Ben & Jerry's, I am a conservative capitalist. I, the consumer, will make my own judgment as to how I will handle this.
And I choose to simply write you a letter. Of course, 50,000 people will read this article, and I can't make assumptions for them. Perhaps the next time you make a presentation to congress, you might extol the joys of Conservative Capitalism. It's a beautiful thing. It's probably saved your ass a hundred times already, and you don't even know it. Say...did I just hear some Oreo's fall on the floor?
Yours,
Tom Adkins
Executive Publisher
the Common Conservative http://commonconservative.com/