John Kerry's résumé - A Very Important Document

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John Kerry's Resume!


NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth - Multimillions. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
In my career as a U.S. Senator, I have voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill to ever come before me. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months.) I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military, and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months).

I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they had committed atrocities, and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

I threw my medals, ribbons, or something like that away in protest. (Or, did I?) My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard, nor graduate with an M.B.A. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except for marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record ever, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

I voted for every liberal piece of legislation ever proposed during my career. I have no plan to help this country, but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months.)

PERSONAL:
I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present.
I ride a Serotta Bike.
I love to ski/snowboard.
I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel."
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop, and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several very large SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, although I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles, and fully blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

I make little or no charitable contributions, and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make much more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those countries, although I actually blame George Bush for sending all of those jobs out of our country. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I vehemently oppose any windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

My wife's effective tax rate last year was 11%, but I think you should have a tax increase. I served in Vietnam (four months.)

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

My name is John Kerry and I served in Vietnam for four months. Oh yea, I approve of this resume.
 
Let's give the devil his due...he does have a law degree, was a practicing lawyer and, I believe, was Mass. Atty. Gen. or Lt. Gov. under Mikey 'tank' Dukakas.
And, in the words of the late, lamented Rodney Dangerfield, when Kerry played in the sandbox as a kid, the cat always covered him up.


BTW....you need to mention that he was in Vietnam for four months.
 
Great job (but in all fairness to Kerry, you really should have mentioned that he served four months in Vietnam) Can we forward this resume to Europe? Maybe he can get a job cooking up French cuisine? Wouldn't that head look swell in a long, white chef's hat?
 
Hey! This isn't my work - I wish I could credit the author, but it came to me anonymously. One of those email things.


It's pretty good, but there IS room for improvement here. I think he should have mentioned Kerry's 4 months in Viet Nam. Kind of highlighted it, y'know?


:D
 
I wonder why he never tells anybody how long he spent protesting the war. I bet it was longer that four months!! I bet he got worse injuries during those protestes also.
 
I suspect the next hole in Kerry's resume may be the circumstances of his honorable discharge. Several sites are alluding that his discharge did not become honorable until Prez Carter granted amnesty to all the questionable types in '77. His conferences with the NVA while on reserve status may have originally botched his honorable rating. We've only seen 8 of 100 pages of his record so far. If he won't sign the release form (180?) I doubt if we can accept his word on his true status. Someone will come up with the facts good or bad and air them before Nov 2 I suspect.
 
I guess he thinks if his wife relases her tax return to the public even though she doesn't have to it makes the possible commander-in-chief able to say that he doesn't have to relase his military record. Clinton said he was going to focus on domestic issues while in office so the fact that he didn't serve and actually went to russia and did other questionable things in the 60's 70's was not relevant. Then he becomes a president who sends troops to more places at different times than any president in a long time. His handling of somalia basically paints a big target on america, and americains abroad, and our ships and soldiers. I wonder of the actual soldiers there how many wanted to stay with the other un peacekeepers get some better support and finish the job with authority. Maybe they wanted to leave ,but I bet they wanted to help those people over their and get some payback.
 
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