I Want to Hurt my Computer
Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
==> Please do not remove this copyright it is my only protection against
theft <==
I want to hurt my computer.
I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to
suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns
blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing
like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For
every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the
charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally
answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This
should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of
the line. A special function would allow the volts to double every time a
tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is
important to us," the featureless voice claims. I want my phone to be
outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this
irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money,
so we couldn't care less about you. Our technical support department
consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom.
Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who
doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and
issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a
file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the
computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot
be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in
the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look
alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all
just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't
understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it
to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the
last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper
into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188
"matches" to my key word. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located
the product you're looking for. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was
virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system
is 5 times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it
seems to grow 75%. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to
visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive. How
could they not recognize each other? They live together!
Please understand: I don't hate my computer.
I just want to hurt it every once in a while.
(Write the author at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at
Bruce@wbrucecameron.com
This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include
the following subscription and copyright information:
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2000
To subscribe, send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.
Yes we want more subscribers! Please tell your friends about the Cameron
Column.
If you want to unsubscribe, write majordomo@cwe.com and send the message
"unsubscribe cameron <your e-mail address>" all lower case with no quotes.
------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."
Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
==> Please do not remove this copyright it is my only protection against
theft <==
I want to hurt my computer.
I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to
suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns
blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing
like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For
every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the
charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally
answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This
should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of
the line. A special function would allow the volts to double every time a
tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is
important to us," the featureless voice claims. I want my phone to be
outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this
irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money,
so we couldn't care less about you. Our technical support department
consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom.
Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who
doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and
issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a
file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the
computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot
be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in
the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look
alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all
just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't
understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it
to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the
last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper
into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188
"matches" to my key word. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located
the product you're looking for. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was
virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system
is 5 times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it
seems to grow 75%. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to
visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive. How
could they not recognize each other? They live together!
Please understand: I don't hate my computer.
I just want to hurt it every once in a while.
(Write the author at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at
Bruce@wbrucecameron.com
This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include
the following subscription and copyright information:
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2000
To subscribe, send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.
Yes we want more subscribers! Please tell your friends about the Cameron
Column.
If you want to unsubscribe, write majordomo@cwe.com and send the message
"unsubscribe cameron <your e-mail address>" all lower case with no quotes.
------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."
HAHAHA
All operating systems suck. The operating system you choose just seems to suck less. 