I Am the Very Model of a Modern Libertarian - a political parody by Kimstu

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Slowpoke_Rodrigo

New member
I found this on the Straight Dope Message Board:

I Am the Very Model of a Modern Libertarian
by Kimstu

I am the very model of a modern Libertarian:
I teem with glowing notions for proposals millenarian,
I've nothing but contempt for ideologies collectivist
(My own ideas of social good tend more toward the Objectivist).
You see, I've just discovered, by my intellectual bravery,
That civic obligations are all tantamount to slavery;
And thus that ancient pastime, viz., complaining of taxation,
Assumes the glorious aspect of a war for liberation!

[Chorus:]
You really must admit it's a delightful revelation:
To bitch about your taxes is to fight for liberation!

I bolster up my claims with lucubrations rather risible
About the Founding Fathers and the market's hand invisible;
In fact, my slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes me the very model of a modern Libertarian!

[Chorus:]
His very slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes him the very model of a modern Libertarian!

All "public wealth" is robbery, we never will accede to it;
You have no rights in anything if you can't show your deed to it.
(But don't fear repossession by our Amerind minority:
Those treaties aren't valid---Uncle Sam had no authority!)
We realize whales and wolves and moose find wilderness quite vital,
And we'll give back their habitats---if they can prove their title.
But people like unspoiled lands (we too will say "hooray" for them),
So we have faith that someone else will freely choose to pay for them.

[Chorus:]
Yes, when the parks are auctioned it will be a lucky day for them---
We're confident that someone else will freely choose to pay for them!

We'll guard the health of nature by self-interest most astute:
Since pollution is destructive, no one ever will pollute.
Thus factories will safeguard our communities riparian---
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian!

[Chorus:]
Yes, factories will safeguard our communities riparian,
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!

In short, when I can tell why individual consumers
Know best who should approve their drugs and who should treat their tumors;
Why civilized existence in its intricate confusion
Will be simple and straightforward, absent government intrusion;
Why markets cannot err within the system I've described,
Why poor folk won't be bullied and why rich folk won't be bribed,
And why all vast inequities of power and position
Will vanish when I wave my wand and utter "COMPETITION!"---

[Chorus:]
He's so much more exciting than a common politician,
Inequities will vanish when he hollers "Competition!"

---And why my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, "Ridiculous!",
And why my social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian---
I'll be the very model of a modern Libertarian!

[Chorus:]
His novel social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian---
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!

------------------
Slowpoke Rodrigo...he pack a gon...

"That which binds us together is infinitely greater than that on which we disagree" - Neal Knox
 
Goring a different ox in the same thread, here is an untitled parody by Gilligan:

From every kind of man obedience I expect.
I'm the government of the land.
(And we're the bureaucrats un-elect.
You haven't a clue
What's best for you
Say the bureaucrats un-elect.)

By majority vote my rule is declared both just and correct.
(But it's nothing at all compared
With that of the bureaucrats un-elect.)

Bow, bow
To the bureaucrats un-elect.
Chorus: Bow, bow
To the bureaucrats un-elect.

In a fatherly kind of way I govern each family and sect.
You are free to disagree.
(But you'll face the bureaucrats un-elect.
We'll confuse the fools
With a million rules
Say the bureaucrats un-elect.)

My nature is justice and truth and freedom from all defect.
(Just leave those things to us,
"Trust me", say the bureaucrats un-elect.)

Bow, bow
To the bureaucrats un-elect.
Chorus: Bow, bow
To the bureaucrats un-elect.

A more humane plutocracy never did in this land exist
To nobody second I'm certainly reckoned a true philanthropist
It is my very humane endeavor to make, to some extent
Each man and lady, from birth to eighty, a ward of the government

My object all sublime
I will achieve in time
To let the government fix the crime
The government fix the crime

And make each citizen
Unwillingly represent
A source of wealth for the government
Of wealth for the government

The parents who choose to teach their children that work is the way to succeed
I'll let them, as long as I get to remind them that self-esteem's all they need.
The rural people who listen to country & western and other things lame
May not know a thing of the ballet or opera, but will pay for them just the same.

The woman who chooses to do with her body what she and her god approve
Must wait to hear voices on alternate choices; if she don't like it she can move.
The couple who dare their love to share, in a way that some people find wrong
I can't let them wed, for then marriage is dead, and society won't last for long.

Chorus: My object all sublime...

The friends who gather to share and enjoy the drugs that I don't yet condone
I'll round them up swiftly, a bit faster if I can take a quick look through your home.
I'll wage my war in your streets and your places of work and your schools, night and day.
Some innocent people will suffer, but that's just the price that we'll all have to pay.

I do realize these unfortunate people might just have a problem to cure
But the polls indicated these people are hated by fifty-two percent or more.
And so they'll be thrown in prison cells with murderers, rapists, and scum
But we're better society; we need sobriety; now pass us the whiskey and rum.

Chorus: My object all sublime...

[This message has been edited by Slowpoke_Rodrigo (edited June 21, 2000).]
 
Yeah, it's easy to make fun of Libertarians...until you look at what the OTHER political parties believe. Then they look pretty damn good all of a sudden.
 
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