Hunting Jokes

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Dave R

New member
The joke thread over in General discussion got me thinking about a few hunting jokes. Here's one.

Rich Californian comes to Idaho to hunt elk. Doesn't use a guide, he's already read all there is to read on the subject.

He tromps over the mountains for a week. Never sees an elk. Gets more and more depressed.

Finally, on his last day in-country, as he's headed back to base, he sees his quarry afar off. He stalks in to about 400 yards. Its a tough shot, but his uber-magnum and years of paper punching pay off.

He hikes in to the fallen animal, only to find an Idaho rancher reaching for his trophy. He goes ballistic, starts making threatening gestures with his rifle and screaming "I paid $$$$$$ to get here, and spent a week walking *&^**& miles to get that animal! Its $%^%$^% mine, you hayseed!"

The rancher says "Ok, OK! Calm down! Just let me get my saddle off it, first!"



Know any others?
 
I cleaned this up from the way it's usually told around the campfire, but it's still somewhat 'R' rated.

A fellow is deer hunting when a huge grizzly stands up in the brush 50 yards away. Shaken and fearing for his life the hunter empties the magazine of his .243 but misses the bear completely.
The grizzly rushes him, knocks him to the ground, sodomizes him then walks away.
Being upset and humiliated the hunter swears revenge. He goes back into the woods this time armed with a bigger gun, his 300 Win Mag. At the same location as before he sees the grizzly and opens fire; only to completely miss again. Once more the bear knocks him to the ground and has his way.
Now being even more humiliated and wanting his revenge he returns to the woods carrying a Barrett 50 BMG and a pair of hand grenades. Same story as before, the hunter depletes his arsenal without putting so much as a scratch on the bear.
Once again the bear repeats the act but this time before walking away, he turns and says
“You don’t really come here to hunt, do you?”
 
Guy picks up his buddy to go squirrel hunting.

Guy: Buddy, where's your gun?

Buddy: I don't need no gun. I "ugly" them to death.

Guy: "Ugly" them to death? I admit ye'r homely looking, but that's the most rediculous thing I've ever heard!

Buddy: Wait and see.

Sure enough, out in the woods, buddy walks up to a tree containing a tree rat, looks up, grimaces, and the stunned squirrel drops at his feet.

Guy: Wow! That's incredible! I ain't never seen the likes of that before! You must be the only person in the world can do that!

Buddy: Nah, my wife can do it too. But I don't hunt with her no more.

Guy: Why not?!

Buddy: She tears the meat up too much!
 
Another oldie:

The guide is worried about his client’s poor shooting skills and constantly warns the hunter to be careful with his shots. When they encounter a big grizzly, the hunter ignores the warning, blazes away, and hits the bear way too far back. The bear disappears in a thicket.

Guide: We need to go in and get him.
Hunter: Looks pretty thick in there.
Guide produces running shoes out of his pack and puts them on.
Hunter: What are those for? You can’t outrun a bear.
Guide: I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you.
 
The standard New Mexico/Texas Deer Joke! ;)

#1 Shoot Jack Rabbit.

#2 Put some branches on its head more or less looking like antlers. Put a deer tag on it.

#3 Heckle the other side about the size of "The Deer Over Here"

Repeat for new hunters every year. :D
 
Justin Wilson the famous Cajun Comic used to tell the one about "let me get my saddle off first" but it was a deer hunters wife that shot the "deer" LOL LOL.

Another good one he used to tell is about the rich Texas oilman that comes yearly to South Louisiana to hunt "dem duck". The Cajun guide finds the Texans 1/2 gallon of "That fine Cajun whusky made up in Tennessee, how you call dat? Jock Daniel" and drinks every last drop you hear. They get in da pirogue and paddle to the duck blind. There is ONE duck that flies past at 100 yards and the Texan opens up with his aromatic shootgun..............thats a one hole gun that shoots 3 times hand running from the same hole, 5 times if the game warden isn't around, blam, blam blam, blam, blam (game warden isn't around) and dat duck he keep right on flying you hear. The guide picks up his twice barrel caribbean and shoots one time BLAM.............dead duck. the oil man says..............."my friend that is the best shot I ever saw"...................the guide says "hell it ain't all dat good, I should have gotten 4 or 5 out of a flock dat big!"
 
Good one! Another one…in the duck genre…

Rich Californian comes to Idaho to hunt ducks. Has bad luck. Sees a few flocks far off, but none come to the decoys. This goes on for several days. His frustration builds as he counts the dollars this is costing him. Finally, in the last hour of his last day hunting, a single duck flies overhead. It’s a long shot, but his many sessions of sporting clays pay off, and he brings the duck down. It lands far away, just over the fence on an Idaho farmer’s land.

By the time he gets to the duck, the farmer is just picking it up.

Hunter goes berserk, swearing and making threatening gestures with his shotgun.

The farmer watches him with interest for a moment, then says…

“All right. You think its yours, I think its mine (my land). We’ll settle this country style”.

The Californian says “Country style? Hows that?”.

The farmer explains. “We stand arms-length apart. Feet shoulder-width apart. We take turns kicking each other in the groin. Last one standing gets the duck.”

The Californian is not sure about this, but thinks of the money he spent, and that’s the last possible duck, so he agrees.

The farmer says “You’re on my side of the fence, so I go first.” Good backswing. Nice follow-through. Perfect execution. Lifts the Californian a few inches off the ground with the blow.

The Californian hisses. His knees bend, but they do not buckle. He bends at the waist. He squints. Tears come to his eyes. He rocks from one foot to the other. His knees bend a little more. He's almost squatting. He breathed deeply a few time. He shakes his head once. Twice.

Finally, he appears to recover. “My turn now!” He exclaims.

Farmer says “Oh, that’s OK. You can keep the duck.”
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This one is best told live, with lots of improvisation when the hunter gets kicked.
 
Not "purely" hunting, but one of our more favored jokes in South Africa at the expense of foreign tourists...:

A game ranger is giving a class to a group of tourists in the Kruger National Park in South Africa. He's telling them what to do, what not to do, and so on. At last he finishes with "Any questions?"

A tourist hesitantly raises his hand and says "Sir, you've told us that if we follow your directions, we won't be in any danger. However, what happens if I come round a bush and find a lion on the other side? What should I do?"

"No problem, Sir" replies the ranger. "Just look him straight in the eye, and in a firm, commanding voice, say 'Go away!', and he will."

"Oh... " ponders the tourist. "Well... what happens if he doesn't go away?"

"Still no problem, Sir", explains the ranger. "Just bend down, pick up some dung off the ground, and throw it at him."

"Oh..." replies the tourist. "But... what happens if there isn't any dung?"

"Still no problem, Sir", replies the ranger. "By then, there will be!"
 
The Californian hisses. His knees bend, but they do not buckle. He bends at the waist. He squints. Tears come to his eyes. He rocks from one foot to the other. His knees bend a little more. He's almost squatting. He breathed deeply a few time. He shakes his head once. Twice.
Click to expand...

Also known as "I'll Rochambeau You For it."

Good one :D
 
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