AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES UPON ENCOUNTERING A VENOMOUS SNAKE WITHIN THEIR JURISDICTION
1. FBI: Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a mobile command center, holds a press conference and assumes all credit for capture of the snake.
2. Secret Service: Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.
3. ATFE: Sends SRT team to arrest the snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake and all other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry, ATFE makes a presentation on why additional funding is now required to properly train agents how to battle the imminent threat from snakes.
4. TSA: Abides by the Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of only venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snakes escape while TSA officials strip-search only non-venomous species and pilfer their luggage.
5. ICE: After obtaining permission from the BP, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS and the Girl Scouts, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
6. IRS-CID: performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100 page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.
7. U.S. Attorney's Office: Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
8. NYPD: Anticrime unit surrounds the snake and fires 100 rounds, only two of which strike the snake, killing it. Rev. Al Sharpton organizes a protest.
9. LAPD: After a high-speed chase through the woods, the snake is cuffed head to tail; then tasered until well-done for exhibiting "threatening behavior."
1. FBI: Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a mobile command center, holds a press conference and assumes all credit for capture of the snake.
2. Secret Service: Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.
3. ATFE: Sends SRT team to arrest the snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake and all other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry, ATFE makes a presentation on why additional funding is now required to properly train agents how to battle the imminent threat from snakes.
4. TSA: Abides by the Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of only venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snakes escape while TSA officials strip-search only non-venomous species and pilfer their luggage.
5. ICE: After obtaining permission from the BP, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS and the Girl Scouts, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
6. IRS-CID: performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100 page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.
7. U.S. Attorney's Office: Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
8. NYPD: Anticrime unit surrounds the snake and fires 100 rounds, only two of which strike the snake, killing it. Rev. Al Sharpton organizes a protest.
9. LAPD: After a high-speed chase through the woods, the snake is cuffed head to tail; then tasered until well-done for exhibiting "threatening behavior."
