How to Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win
an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know
this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of
their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can
win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing
about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like
grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your
ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG
VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be
impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on
the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're
going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say:
"I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised
tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the
mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T.
Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.
Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you
would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath
house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak
Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want
to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but
they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win
if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough
money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire
back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best
are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not
try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
------------------
Bob--- Age and deceit will overcome youth and speed.
I'm old and deceitful.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win
an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know
this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of
their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can
win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing
about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like
grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your
ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG
VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be
impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on
the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're
going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say:
"I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised
tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the
mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T.
Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.
Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you
would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath
house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak
Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want
to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but
they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win
if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough
money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire
back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best
are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not
try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
------------------
Bob--- Age and deceit will overcome youth and speed.
I'm old and deceitful.
