Miss Demeanors
New member
HCI Announces Week of Seminars
by Mark Penman (7/31/99)
Since a gaggle of yellow-drawered babies have taken me to task for being so "unfair" to my enemies, please stand fast while's I
pass along something that'll make their little toes curl-up in their footie pajamas.
My buds from North Carolinians for Gun Control have managed to persuade the big dogs over at Handgun Control Inc. to hold
their yearly skull-session/propaganda pow-wow in Chapel Hill later this year. Minds will be expanded, political palms will be
greased, blinders will be fitted, constitutions will be shredded, and the consciences of rich white folk who live many miles and
countless cordons of cops away from any crime will be assuaged.
After a bit of scouring, I even managed to uncover a tentative schedule of the workshops and gabfests they plan to offer:
Monday, September 13th
[9am] Opening speeches, tissues, mimosas, crepes.
[11am] "The Importance of Pretending to Care About Inner-City Blacks Not Employed as Domestics"
[1pm] "Graciously Accepting Obscene Amounts of Cash from Coked-Up Hollywood Trash"
Tuesday, September 14th
[9am] "Non-Lethal Means of Keeping 'The Poor' from One's Mercedes"
[10:45am] "How to Cower in a Puddle of Urine"
[1pm] "Tips On Prying Liquor Bottles from Sarah Brady's Hands Before the Cameras Arrive"
Wednesday, September 15th
[9am] "Tattooing the Proles: Barcodes or Numbers?"
[1pm] "Keeping Your Personal Concealed Carry License Out of the Papers" (presented by very special guest, Senator
Dianne Feinstein)
[3pm] "Exchanging Guns for Astro-Glide"
Thursday, September 16th
[9am] "Pissing Off Millions of Angry Gunowners: Wise Choice?"
[10:15am] "Confronting the Panicky Fear that Somebody, Somewhere is Doing Something Neither Restricted or
Mandatory"
[1pm] "Why Contingency-Fee Lawyers are More Trustworthy than Other Citizens" (presentation followed by 2-hour
Q&A)
[5pm] Protest against Charlton Heston for whatever he might have said in the last week or so. (Transportation to the
Hayes Barton Baptist Church, placards, canapes, and TV coverage on every local station to be provided.)
Friday, September 17th
[9am] "Crushing the Lives of Complete Strangers: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac"
[11am] Extended Luncheon Gala featuring finger-foods served by lovely and accommodating minority children from
many cultures and lands, authentic-looking tearaway costumes, Moist-Wipes.
[2pm] "No More Wacos . . . Just Yet"
[4pm] Closing Ceremonies.
by Mark Penman (7/31/99)
Since a gaggle of yellow-drawered babies have taken me to task for being so "unfair" to my enemies, please stand fast while's I
pass along something that'll make their little toes curl-up in their footie pajamas.
My buds from North Carolinians for Gun Control have managed to persuade the big dogs over at Handgun Control Inc. to hold
their yearly skull-session/propaganda pow-wow in Chapel Hill later this year. Minds will be expanded, political palms will be
greased, blinders will be fitted, constitutions will be shredded, and the consciences of rich white folk who live many miles and
countless cordons of cops away from any crime will be assuaged.
After a bit of scouring, I even managed to uncover a tentative schedule of the workshops and gabfests they plan to offer:
Monday, September 13th
[9am] Opening speeches, tissues, mimosas, crepes.
[11am] "The Importance of Pretending to Care About Inner-City Blacks Not Employed as Domestics"
[1pm] "Graciously Accepting Obscene Amounts of Cash from Coked-Up Hollywood Trash"
Tuesday, September 14th
[9am] "Non-Lethal Means of Keeping 'The Poor' from One's Mercedes"
[10:45am] "How to Cower in a Puddle of Urine"
[1pm] "Tips On Prying Liquor Bottles from Sarah Brady's Hands Before the Cameras Arrive"
Wednesday, September 15th
[9am] "Tattooing the Proles: Barcodes or Numbers?"
[1pm] "Keeping Your Personal Concealed Carry License Out of the Papers" (presented by very special guest, Senator
Dianne Feinstein)
[3pm] "Exchanging Guns for Astro-Glide"
Thursday, September 16th
[9am] "Pissing Off Millions of Angry Gunowners: Wise Choice?"
[10:15am] "Confronting the Panicky Fear that Somebody, Somewhere is Doing Something Neither Restricted or
Mandatory"
[1pm] "Why Contingency-Fee Lawyers are More Trustworthy than Other Citizens" (presentation followed by 2-hour
Q&A)
[5pm] Protest against Charlton Heston for whatever he might have said in the last week or so. (Transportation to the
Hayes Barton Baptist Church, placards, canapes, and TV coverage on every local station to be provided.)
Friday, September 17th
[9am] "Crushing the Lives of Complete Strangers: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac"
[11am] Extended Luncheon Gala featuring finger-foods served by lovely and accommodating minority children from
many cultures and lands, authentic-looking tearaway costumes, Moist-Wipes.
[2pm] "No More Wacos . . . Just Yet"
[4pm] Closing Ceremonies.
