oberkommando
New member
An Top Secret memo from the man who was previously at the top of Al
Gore's veep shortlist:
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by Congress to our minor
difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up
just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is .
. ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links
to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has
promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of
you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets
that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job -- it's an imperative, all 37
1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely, Bill
And this just in....
"Nuclear security: Obviously, this is too big a job for the Department
of Energy (Motto: 'Somebody Has Stolen Our Motto'). I think we should
have the Internal Revenue Service rewrite our nuclear secrets in the
style of the federal tax code, so that any enemy who tried to read
them would be driven insane." --Dave Barry on just one plank of his
2000 presidential platform
Gore's veep shortlist:
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by Congress to our minor
difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up
just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is .
. ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links
to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has
promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of
you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets
that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job -- it's an imperative, all 37
1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely, Bill
And this just in....
"Nuclear security: Obviously, this is too big a job for the Department
of Energy (Motto: 'Somebody Has Stolen Our Motto'). I think we should
have the Internal Revenue Service rewrite our nuclear secrets in the
style of the federal tax code, so that any enemy who tried to read
them would be driven insane." --Dave Barry on just one plank of his
2000 presidential platform
