Farm Humor

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Skyhawk

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Bruce, the farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

Bruce doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around. Bruce hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep.

So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each twice for good measure, brings them back and upon returning to home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
 
After the fiasco with the sheep, farmer Bruce decides to try his hand breeding cattle. He borrows the money from his banker to get started.

Several weeks go by, and the banker stops by Bruce's place to check on his investment. Farmer Bruce complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. Bruce looks very pleased: "The bull serviced all my cows, then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow", says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," says Bruce.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says Bruce, "but they kind of taste like peppermint."
 
Well after the sheep and cattle ideas fell through Bruce thought that something smaller like chickens might be easier. So, he buys 20 hens and one rooster so he can start breeding chicks and producing eggs. Well after a couple of weeks there are no chicks at all, not even any eggs, and the rooster was still just sitting around doing nothing.

Bruce, confused, went over to his neighbor's farm to ask him what the problem might be. When he walked up to the porch he saw a rooster chasing and mounting chicken after chicken. Well, he knew that this rooster was the answer to his problems so, after some dickering with the neighbor Bruce went home with the rooster.

When he let the rooster loose in the chicken coop all hell broke loose. The rooster mounted hen after hen and when he finished he started all over again. Bruce, satisfied that this would get the 'egg rolling' went inside his house. The next morning he heard an awful racket outside and quickly got dressed to see what was causing it. When he stepped out into the barnyard he was shocked to see a hole in the chicken coop and the rooster chasing Bruce's geese around the pond. Bruce thought that was kind of strange but went in to have breakfast nonetheless.

Soon he heard another loud commotion from outside and, once again, went out to see what was going on. He was startled to see the rooster chasing his ducks around and mounting THEM. 'Well', he thought, 'as long as the hens are producing I don't really care'...

That evening when he went out on his porch after supper for a smoke he was shocked by a horrible sight. There was the rooster lying dead on the ground with buzzards circling overhead. Bruce went over to the rooster and cried 'my god! what on earth happened?!?' to which the rooster opened one eye and replied 'shhh! they're getting closer...'
 
Farmer Bruce, being a persistent man, decides to buy some chicks to raise. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.

He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.

Bruce then sends a letter to Texas A&M, describing the problem. They send
a letter back asking for a soil sample.

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Protect your Right to Keep and Bear Arms!
 
Farmer Bruce, being a lonely man, invites two of the local "ladies of the night" out to the farm.

Being a bit worried about his ability to perform, he asks the vet on his visit whether he has anything he can give him to help.

The vet shakes out a pill and hands it to Bruce, warning him of its potency, and that he could do some serious damage to his masculinity if he isn't careful.

The next morning, the vet sees Farmer Bruce, a broken man, bowlegged, shambling towards him.

"My God," he says, "what happened to you?"

"I'm raw, Doc," Farmer Bruce explains. "Red raw. Can you give me some liniment?"

"Liniment!! You can't rub liniment on your wedding tackle -- it'll burn it right off!!"

"Aww, it ain't for that, Doc," mumbles Bruce. "It's for me arm and shoulder -- them two sheilas didn't turn up!"

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And just what the hell am I doing telling "Bruce" jokes??? :)

B
 
When I was working at the hardware store, I overheard two old guys talking about the Viagra that one is taking. He said it worked really well and the other guy should try some. So the second guy askes if he could get it over the counter. The first guy said that if he took two he probably could.

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Better days to be,

Ed
 
Homer ,a South Dakota farmer married himself a much younger gal . One day he was out on the tractor and the "urge" took a hold of him . Off the tractor he jumped and started runnin' towards the house . By the time he got halfway to the house the "urge" wore off leaving him unable to finish what he thought he was gonna start . Sittin' at the local watering hole with his buddy Arnold he told him of his little problem . "Hell !" says Arnold . "You're doin' it backwards . Your wife is much younger than you so let her do the runnin' . Just bring your shotgun out into the field with you . When the "urge" comes just let a round go and let her run out there to you . No one can see you so what the hay ?"
About 3 months later they meet at the Grange Hall . "Hey Homer" says Arnold , " how is everything going with that advice I gave you ?' "Well , " says Homer " not too good ." "What's wrong? " asks Arnold . "It worked good for a couple of weeks " said Homer " but I ain't seen hide nor hair of her since the first day of pheasant season."

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TOM SASS AMERICAN LEGION NRA
 
Hey Ed, that reminds me ...

They're giving Viagra to the blokes in the old people's homes here.


Naah ... doesn't help 'em do that ... but it sure does stop 'em rollin' out of bed at night!!!!

B
 
Speaking of the old peoples home:
Bruce's 100-year-old uncle who lost an arm in the war was in a home.
Being the ever out going old bird he tried some viagra.
Around 8pm a nurse heard a banging noise coming from his room.
Running to his door she could only stare.
He was banging his hand on a table. She asked if there was anything wrong. “WRONG” he yelled back “it’s the first time it’s been up in twenty years and my hand is asleep!” ;)
 
Farmer Bruce eventually went back to the sheep as an income source as his other trials didn't pan out.
Now Bruce lives a LONG way out from the nearest Town & only bothers to come in for provisions every 5 years or so.
On his latest trip he stops by the pub for a drink or 2 & gets to telling everyone about his son.
Since Bruce aint married in lives in almost total isolation, the guys start thinkin' either he's a bit barmy or must've found a pretty desperate woman. ;)
"Hey boy" Bruce yells to his son outside, "Come in here".
In walks a lad of 5 or 6 years of age....
"Boy prove to these gents that your MY son & tell them your name".
"Well sirs" the boy replies,
"That's my dad & my names Baaaaaaary" :D ;)

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"The Gun from Down Under !"
http://www.para1911fanclub.w3.to/
E-mail hotshot_2000@hotmail.com
ICQ # 68806935
 
Welp,ol' farmer Bruce after going back to sheep farming is still having money problems. He finds that two of his farming neighbors are in the same fix. All three go in on one large production venture.Farmer S. was in dariy production and
Farmer J. was in pork production. All three were to share the work/expence and profit.
Still things were not going well. The hogs were not weaning off enought pigs,the milk cows were not making much milk and the sheep's wool was comming off before they could be shorn.
The farmers heard about a Veterinarian that could talk to the animals and find out what was really going on with them,so they called and set up a meeting.
The farners met the Vet. at the gate and went to the dariy barn first. The Vet. mooed to the head cow,head cow mooed right back and a conversation started.The Vet. returned to the farmers and told them that the pressure was to high on the milkers and it hurt the cow's udders.The Farmers checked and sure enough it was. The Farmers were amazed and quickly went to the hogs. The Vet. went up to the boss sow and begane to grunt to her, she perked her ears up,grunted back and a conversation started. The Vet. told the farmers that the feed that they were giving the sows was not a very good feed and they would do better on a blended ration. Again the Farmers were amazed, all they were feeding the hogs was whole corn.
Well the farmers thanked the Vet. payed him and were walking him to his pickup,when the sheep started to bleat. The Vet. cocked his ear to hear better.The Farmers yelled,don't you listen to those lying sheep!
 
You mock this Farmer Bruce, but I heard he found a new use for sheep.

Wool!

Thank you, I'll be here all week...

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"..but never ever Fear. Fear is for the enemy. Fear and Bullets."
10mm: It's not the size of the Dawg in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog!
 
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