DOG PROPERTY LAWS
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory in generally disgusting ways.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes, except by licking them.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
You can wake a dog out of a sound sleep and it'll want to play immediately.
A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by peeing on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
A cold nose in the crotch is an effective way to communicate.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory in generally disgusting ways.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes, except by licking them.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
You can wake a dog out of a sound sleep and it'll want to play immediately.
A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by peeing on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
A cold nose in the crotch is an effective way to communicate.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."
