A GORE PRESIDENCY?
FROM WHITEWATER TO DISHWATER ©
by Norman Liebmann
Since Bill Clinton has made lying a normal function of the office of Presidency, as Vice President, Al Gore is a heartbeat away from bull****.
Despite the vapid non-sequitur statements that fall from his oral aperture, friends of Al Gore insist he’s not senile - just prematurely dull. His office staff has been instructed to explain away this circumstance by telling visiting dignitaries, "You may not find the Vice President's company very scintillating. He just stepped away from his personality for a few years.
Trying to engage Al Gore verbally is like trying to open a conversation with a sardine key. His public pronouncements are about as shallow as a birdbath. Compared with Al Gore, Mortimer Snerd sounds like Bill Buckley Gore can’t make it through "How’s the family?" without stepping all over his lips.
Al Gore is not possessed of a sparkling wit. When he gets through telling a joke in the forest, the birds shrug. Gore carries a valium in his wallet for identification. Bill Gates uses Al Gore’s picture for his "sleep screen." Paradoxically, Gore regards himself as a shrewd operator, despite being the only guy in Washington to accept an I.O.U from Bill Clinton because it was co-signed by Spiro Agnew.
While still in the womb, an obstetrician declared Al the first fetus to need pre-natal rehabilitation. As a child, he was so lethargic the family dog taught him how to sit up and beg for "uppers."
At an early age, Gore showed definite flashes of dull. Even his computer wouldn’t play games with him. To this day, Gore doesn’t use a computer. He’s still trying to find a pencil that’s "user-friendly."
Al Gore describes himself as "an average guy", accurate when you consider, in his home town, an "average guy" is someone who walks with his knuckles dragging along the ground. Al does have the Tennessee brand of savoir-faire, knowing intuitively, at the dinner table, to scratch himself with the correct fork.
Al Gore was born March 31, 1948. The next fifty one years of his life were uneventful. Clinging to his country roots, he showed up for his inauguration wearing a bib tuxedo. He is the only Vice President ever sworn in with his left hand resting on a balloon while his right hand was playing with his lips.
Al was a chubby kid. At the seashore, the family would wrap him in an American flag and tell people he was a beachball. To this day, people ask him, "How do you manage to stay out of shape?" (One little boy tore up his autograph after realizing Al was not The Swamp Thing.)
Early on, the Gore family noticed Al was "slow." His parents stopped buying him sweaters because he kept putting his head through the sleeve. Doctors describe his condition as a case of inoperable butterfingers. In just one week::-
Al got his hand caught in a towel and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;
he wandered into a corner of the room and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;
he got trapped in the bathroom when he accidentally locked the door from both sides, and the Fire Department had to come and get him out; he caught his head in a pencil sharpener, and the Fire Department had
to come and get him out.
Ultimately, his parents had to choose between putting him up for adoption, or opening a charge account with the Fire Department.
It was apparent to the family Al was prone to injure himself. Until the age of eighteen, he had to eat with a rubber fork. They took away all his toys that were sharp or pointy, but he still managed to cut his hand on a tennis ball.
Mentally and physically inept, It took a team of spelunkers to find his I.Q. By the age of five, he had to wear training wheels on his cap and curbfeelers on his shoes. The family sent him to a special school for the hard-of-thinking, where he just couldn’t keep up. It took young Al at least a half-hour to use a urinal, because before he could find his penis he had to remember where he saw it last. He knew to open a zipper he would have to pull it in a downward direction, but he had trouble remembering the way back.
Neighbors felt sorry for the Gores but disguised their feelings with guarded compliments, such as, "Say, that kid of yours certainly has a neck on his shoulders."
Al retained most of the "down-home" qualities he had as a boy. Only his attitude toward smoking changed from when he grew up on the Gore family tobacco plantation called Lungbuster Farms. Al faced his first big decision as a farm boy when he struggled to decide which vegetable to take as his role model.
Al Gore likes to tells people he went to M.I.T (actually, The Massachusetts Institute of Tennessee.) At college, he took a series of aptitude tests which revealed he was uniquely qualified to either live off his father or become a door stop. He never lived up to that early promise.
In college, Al wanted girls to believe he was a weight lifter, so he had a plastic surgeon give him a cosmetic hernia scar. The first time he went skiing, the ski instructor said, "Mr. Vice President, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. The pants go on first, and then the skis! (At the ski slope the instructor had to tell him, which way is up.)
As a young Congressman, Gore is remembered for his statement, "Nothing should be done for the first time, and if it should, it shouldn’t be now." After that, each time he rose, the Speaker of the House would whisper to the Sergeant-at-Arms, "Stand by with the cargo net."
As Vice President, he began patterning himself after Bill Clinton, who is a world class liar. Before scheduling outdoor speeches, Bubba and Al have to determine whose turn it is to wear the lightening rod. Recently, Al went on record saying, "I didn’t know that thing at the Bhuddist temple was a fund raiser, I thought it was a bar mitzvah!" Since uttering that bare-faced fabrication, people in Washington introduce the Gores as Tipper and Whopper.
Al Gore keeps assuring Bill Clinton he doesn't mind waiting patiently for Clinton's term to come to an end, but it is frequently reported he has been heard muttering, "Where is John Wilkes Boothe now that I need him?"
With Al Gore actively pursuing his ambition to become President, a psychiatrist diagnosed him as suffering from delusions of adequacy. He ordered an MRI examination of Al’s skull which revealed his brain's hard-drive had crashed. Fortunately, Al never kept anything important stored on it. His doctor, a world famous neurosurgeon, documents Al’s case in a medical journal article entitled, "How to Gift Wrap a Lobotomy." (Gore had already had a brain transplant operation, and was, in fact, the donor. He still likes to take down his pants and show people the scar.)
Folks that know Al Gore best say, the Vice Presidency is as far as he will ever go. As they put it, "Al Gore has a great future behind him."
FROM WHITEWATER TO DISHWATER ©
by Norman Liebmann
Since Bill Clinton has made lying a normal function of the office of Presidency, as Vice President, Al Gore is a heartbeat away from bull****.
Despite the vapid non-sequitur statements that fall from his oral aperture, friends of Al Gore insist he’s not senile - just prematurely dull. His office staff has been instructed to explain away this circumstance by telling visiting dignitaries, "You may not find the Vice President's company very scintillating. He just stepped away from his personality for a few years.
Trying to engage Al Gore verbally is like trying to open a conversation with a sardine key. His public pronouncements are about as shallow as a birdbath. Compared with Al Gore, Mortimer Snerd sounds like Bill Buckley Gore can’t make it through "How’s the family?" without stepping all over his lips.
Al Gore is not possessed of a sparkling wit. When he gets through telling a joke in the forest, the birds shrug. Gore carries a valium in his wallet for identification. Bill Gates uses Al Gore’s picture for his "sleep screen." Paradoxically, Gore regards himself as a shrewd operator, despite being the only guy in Washington to accept an I.O.U from Bill Clinton because it was co-signed by Spiro Agnew.
While still in the womb, an obstetrician declared Al the first fetus to need pre-natal rehabilitation. As a child, he was so lethargic the family dog taught him how to sit up and beg for "uppers."
At an early age, Gore showed definite flashes of dull. Even his computer wouldn’t play games with him. To this day, Gore doesn’t use a computer. He’s still trying to find a pencil that’s "user-friendly."
Al Gore describes himself as "an average guy", accurate when you consider, in his home town, an "average guy" is someone who walks with his knuckles dragging along the ground. Al does have the Tennessee brand of savoir-faire, knowing intuitively, at the dinner table, to scratch himself with the correct fork.
Al Gore was born March 31, 1948. The next fifty one years of his life were uneventful. Clinging to his country roots, he showed up for his inauguration wearing a bib tuxedo. He is the only Vice President ever sworn in with his left hand resting on a balloon while his right hand was playing with his lips.
Al was a chubby kid. At the seashore, the family would wrap him in an American flag and tell people he was a beachball. To this day, people ask him, "How do you manage to stay out of shape?" (One little boy tore up his autograph after realizing Al was not The Swamp Thing.)
Early on, the Gore family noticed Al was "slow." His parents stopped buying him sweaters because he kept putting his head through the sleeve. Doctors describe his condition as a case of inoperable butterfingers. In just one week::-
Al got his hand caught in a towel and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;
he wandered into a corner of the room and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;
he got trapped in the bathroom when he accidentally locked the door from both sides, and the Fire Department had to come and get him out; he caught his head in a pencil sharpener, and the Fire Department had
to come and get him out.
Ultimately, his parents had to choose between putting him up for adoption, or opening a charge account with the Fire Department.
It was apparent to the family Al was prone to injure himself. Until the age of eighteen, he had to eat with a rubber fork. They took away all his toys that were sharp or pointy, but he still managed to cut his hand on a tennis ball.
Mentally and physically inept, It took a team of spelunkers to find his I.Q. By the age of five, he had to wear training wheels on his cap and curbfeelers on his shoes. The family sent him to a special school for the hard-of-thinking, where he just couldn’t keep up. It took young Al at least a half-hour to use a urinal, because before he could find his penis he had to remember where he saw it last. He knew to open a zipper he would have to pull it in a downward direction, but he had trouble remembering the way back.
Neighbors felt sorry for the Gores but disguised their feelings with guarded compliments, such as, "Say, that kid of yours certainly has a neck on his shoulders."
Al retained most of the "down-home" qualities he had as a boy. Only his attitude toward smoking changed from when he grew up on the Gore family tobacco plantation called Lungbuster Farms. Al faced his first big decision as a farm boy when he struggled to decide which vegetable to take as his role model.
Al Gore likes to tells people he went to M.I.T (actually, The Massachusetts Institute of Tennessee.) At college, he took a series of aptitude tests which revealed he was uniquely qualified to either live off his father or become a door stop. He never lived up to that early promise.
In college, Al wanted girls to believe he was a weight lifter, so he had a plastic surgeon give him a cosmetic hernia scar. The first time he went skiing, the ski instructor said, "Mr. Vice President, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. The pants go on first, and then the skis! (At the ski slope the instructor had to tell him, which way is up.)
As a young Congressman, Gore is remembered for his statement, "Nothing should be done for the first time, and if it should, it shouldn’t be now." After that, each time he rose, the Speaker of the House would whisper to the Sergeant-at-Arms, "Stand by with the cargo net."
As Vice President, he began patterning himself after Bill Clinton, who is a world class liar. Before scheduling outdoor speeches, Bubba and Al have to determine whose turn it is to wear the lightening rod. Recently, Al went on record saying, "I didn’t know that thing at the Bhuddist temple was a fund raiser, I thought it was a bar mitzvah!" Since uttering that bare-faced fabrication, people in Washington introduce the Gores as Tipper and Whopper.
Al Gore keeps assuring Bill Clinton he doesn't mind waiting patiently for Clinton's term to come to an end, but it is frequently reported he has been heard muttering, "Where is John Wilkes Boothe now that I need him?"
With Al Gore actively pursuing his ambition to become President, a psychiatrist diagnosed him as suffering from delusions of adequacy. He ordered an MRI examination of Al’s skull which revealed his brain's hard-drive had crashed. Fortunately, Al never kept anything important stored on it. His doctor, a world famous neurosurgeon, documents Al’s case in a medical journal article entitled, "How to Gift Wrap a Lobotomy." (Gore had already had a brain transplant operation, and was, in fact, the donor. He still likes to take down his pants and show people the scar.)
Folks that know Al Gore best say, the Vice Presidency is as far as he will ever go. As they put it, "Al Gore has a great future behind him."
