19 ways to be a democrat
- Thread starter Doug.38PR
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azredhawk44
Moderator
vast, right wing conspiracy???
Where do I sign up to conspire?
Where do I sign up to conspire?
Yeah, that's great.
Now someone can post the exact same list for the Reps (1. Against killing fetuses but for capital punishment...), then we can all have a big "You suck" "No, YOU suck" kind of dance.
This kind of crap does nothing but divide gun owners. This is a gun forum, not the Republican national convention. I suggest leaving the off-topic smears and hearty self congratulations at the door.
Now someone can post the exact same list for the Reps (1. Against killing fetuses but for capital punishment...), then we can all have a big "You suck" "No, YOU suck" kind of dance.
This kind of crap does nothing but divide gun owners. This is a gun forum, not the Republican national convention. I suggest leaving the off-topic smears and hearty self congratulations at the door.
Harry Callahan
New member
Check this one out, too...
40 Reasons to Support Gun Control
Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.
Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.
Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."
The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994, are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.
We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.
An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense --give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).
The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady [or Sheena Duncan, Adele Kirsten, Peter Storey, etc.] for firearms expertise.
The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created by an act of Congress in 1917.
The National Guard, funded by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state militia.
These phrases," right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumeration's herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people," all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.
We don't need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, but we should ban and seize all guns, thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th amendments to that Constitution.
Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense, which is why the army has millions of them.
Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they serve no military purpose, and private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles," because they are military weapons.
The ready availability of guns today, with waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., is responsible for recent school shootings,compared to the lack of school shootings in the 40's, 50's and 60's, which resulted from the availability of guns at hardware stores, surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, mail order, etc., etc.
The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.
Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."
Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.
A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.
A self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."
Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.
The right of online pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands.
The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.
Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.
Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.
We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
Police officers, who qualify with their duty weapons once or twice a year, have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.
Private citizens don't need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.
Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.
"Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them but "civilians" do not.
When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.
Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.
When Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands," they don't mean you.
40 Reasons to Support Gun Control
Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.
Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.
Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."
The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994, are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.
We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.
An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense --give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).
The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady [or Sheena Duncan, Adele Kirsten, Peter Storey, etc.] for firearms expertise.
The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created by an act of Congress in 1917.
The National Guard, funded by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state militia.
These phrases," right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumeration's herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people," all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.
We don't need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, but we should ban and seize all guns, thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th amendments to that Constitution.
Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense, which is why the army has millions of them.
Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they serve no military purpose, and private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles," because they are military weapons.
The ready availability of guns today, with waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., is responsible for recent school shootings,compared to the lack of school shootings in the 40's, 50's and 60's, which resulted from the availability of guns at hardware stores, surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, mail order, etc., etc.
The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.
Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."
Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.
A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.
A self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."
Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.
The right of online pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands.
The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.
Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.
Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.
We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
Police officers, who qualify with their duty weapons once or twice a year, have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.
Private citizens don't need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.
Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.
"Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them but "civilians" do not.
When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.
Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.
When Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands," they don't mean you.
fisherman66
New member
Joke graded point by point
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.
C- It's too easy to reverse the joke
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments
create prosperity.
C+ FDR and early 19th century (pre-union) steel support the theory; but hey that's old news
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are
more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of
Chinese and North Korean communists.
A++ this is a gun board. It's a manditory A++
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
A+ FUNNY and O so true
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV's.
B Mocks the "D" party for playing their agenda, but could be turned on the "R" party for ignoring things that could be done to protect the environment
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual
is natural.
D since it's flipped too easily
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal
funding.
B- True that some think that way, but just not funny
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
C It would be funnier if all parents were willing to teach their own kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
A++ Riot funny; tree huggers should be cut down with the tree
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.
A- True for both parties, but obviously more so for "D"s
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
D I figured he was on a power trip.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
A+++ Best Joke here. Looks like the ACLU may be coming around
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
C- ATM fees are usurious; I'll give you the tax part as funny
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.
D+ I doubt most "D"s know who belongs to which party. It would be funnier to point that out, and far more degrading.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.
A++ Second best joke here
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice
person.
B- Would be funnier if it said she was great in the sack--just because everyone enjoys potty humor.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
F Hate the joke. Socialism is dead. Just let it fade away. When Castro is dead we will all enjoy a vacation in Cuba. The "D"s will probably enjoy it more.
18. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and
manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal..
C for effect, but B for effort. Most all "D"s enjoy a party, and most do not have a problem with segregating the cross dressers to their own part of Bourbon St or SF.
19. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing
conspiracy.
A- Yes, the "D"s are almost as paraniod as the "R"s
I guess I'm ready for BBQ. Start the flaming now.
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.
C- It's too easy to reverse the joke
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments
create prosperity.
C+ FDR and early 19th century (pre-union) steel support the theory; but hey that's old news
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are
more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of
Chinese and North Korean communists.
A++ this is a gun board. It's a manditory A++
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
A+ FUNNY and O so true
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV's.
B Mocks the "D" party for playing their agenda, but could be turned on the "R" party for ignoring things that could be done to protect the environment
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual
is natural.
D since it's flipped too easily
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal
funding.
B- True that some think that way, but just not funny
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
C It would be funnier if all parents were willing to teach their own kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
A++ Riot funny; tree huggers should be cut down with the tree
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.
A- True for both parties, but obviously more so for "D"s
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
D I figured he was on a power trip.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
A+++ Best Joke here. Looks like the ACLU may be coming around
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
C- ATM fees are usurious; I'll give you the tax part as funny
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.
D+ I doubt most "D"s know who belongs to which party. It would be funnier to point that out, and far more degrading.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.
A++ Second best joke here
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice
person.
B- Would be funnier if it said she was great in the sack--just because everyone enjoys potty humor.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
F Hate the joke. Socialism is dead. Just let it fade away. When Castro is dead we will all enjoy a vacation in Cuba. The "D"s will probably enjoy it more.
18. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and
manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal..
C for effect, but B for effort. Most all "D"s enjoy a party, and most do not have a problem with segregating the cross dressers to their own part of Bourbon St or SF.
19. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing
conspiracy.
A- Yes, the "D"s are almost as paraniod as the "R"s
I guess I'm ready for BBQ. Start the flaming now.
TheBluesMan
Moderator Emeritus
It doesn't happen often, but I agree with Handy.
This type of post does tend to divide gun owners who otherwise should be supporting each other. I'm hesitant to close it though because this *is* the political forum and the post is clearly political.
Let's all try to take this in the spirit of fun and not take things so seriously.
This type of post does tend to divide gun owners who otherwise should be supporting each other. I'm hesitant to close it though because this *is* the political forum and the post is clearly political.
Let's all try to take this in the spirit of fun and not take things so seriously.
fisherman66
New member
He's not talking to you. Of course you think it's in fun, you started it.
Thank you Bluesman. It is in fun (for me too.)
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't unerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Mostly Republicans," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"How you been doing it" asked the big gater
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Republican, there ain't nothin' left but a hole and a briefcase.
This was donated by my old boss and mentor, A Vietnam Vet, who flew missions over North Vietnam in Intruders.
"I can't unerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Mostly Republicans," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"How you been doing it" asked the big gater
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Republican, there ain't nothin' left but a hole and a briefcase.
This was donated by my old boss and mentor, A Vietnam Vet, who flew missions over North Vietnam in Intruders.
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122800&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29526&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38953&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28704&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28422&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37630&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37474&highlight=Sanger
yea it was pretty funny all those times, too
if anyone cares what this kid thinks about that list: http://thefiringline.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1775857&postcount=5
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29526&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38953&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28704&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28422&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37630&highlight=Sanger
http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37474&highlight=Sanger
yea it was pretty funny all those times, too
if anyone cares what this kid thinks about that list: http://thefiringline.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1775857&postcount=5
You Know You're a Liberal ....
If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in "All in the Family"
If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
If you've spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don't see how today could be too much different from the '60s.
If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.
If you use the term 'open-minded' and don't care that it can't be defined in absolute terms.
If you think only white people can be racist.
If you think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.
If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.
If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".
If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.
If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate
If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but putting "Heather Has Two Mommies" or "Ask Alice" (on the internet) won't.
If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the '60s.
if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.
If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn't know the definition of the words "alone", "is", or "correct".
If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.
If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.
If you actually think the multicultural movement of the '90s works better than organized religion.
If you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.
You're a liberal if you can't see the irony in your own beliefs.
If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.
If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.
If you point to God's forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but "forget" to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.
If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
If you want to make the rich "pay their fair share" but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.
If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while "forgetting" about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.
If you think that "dumbing down" America's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited", racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.
You're a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the "Christian Right" is dangerous and needs to be done away with.
If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.
If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.
If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists!
If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.
If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as "equal time".
If the last 'good old president' you remember was Carter.
If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.
If you use the words "right wing extremist" at least four times in any given day.
If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.
You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"
You think that Ken Starr is the devil's helper for calling Monica's mother to testify but believe that Ollie North's wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.
You believe Clinton's numbers about the number of jobs created and don't credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.
You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.
You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure
If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.
You continually say that conservatives have no sense of humor, but after reading this page, think that I am cold and mean-spirited.
__________________
If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in "All in the Family"
If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
If you've spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don't see how today could be too much different from the '60s.
If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.
If you use the term 'open-minded' and don't care that it can't be defined in absolute terms.
If you think only white people can be racist.
If you think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.
If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.
If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".
If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.
If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate
If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but putting "Heather Has Two Mommies" or "Ask Alice" (on the internet) won't.
If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the '60s.
if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.
If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn't know the definition of the words "alone", "is", or "correct".
If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.
If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.
If you actually think the multicultural movement of the '90s works better than organized religion.
If you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.
You're a liberal if you can't see the irony in your own beliefs.
If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.
If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.
If you point to God's forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but "forget" to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.
If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
If you want to make the rich "pay their fair share" but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.
If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while "forgetting" about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.
If you think that "dumbing down" America's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited", racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.
You're a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the "Christian Right" is dangerous and needs to be done away with.
If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.
If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.
If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists!
If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.
If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as "equal time".
If the last 'good old president' you remember was Carter.
If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.
If you use the words "right wing extremist" at least four times in any given day.
If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.
You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"
You think that Ken Starr is the devil's helper for calling Monica's mother to testify but believe that Ollie North's wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.
You believe Clinton's numbers about the number of jobs created and don't credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.
You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.
You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure
If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.
You continually say that conservatives have no sense of humor, but after reading this page, think that I am cold and mean-spirited.
__________________
Liberal "Rules" for Arguing
During the past year, I have spent countless hours trying to have rational debates about the various issues surrounding Iraq with Liberals on various message boards all over the Web. I've wondered over and over why they all seem to follow certain patterns. I've been trying to codify the rules that they seem to use, to increase my ability to identify the tactics they're using. When I identify which rule they're following, they invariably reply with strings of invective, proving that they know exactly what they're doing. Following are the top five Liberal "Rules" for Arguing that I've so far identified, having been repeatedly subjected to all these and more.
#1: Attack Your Opponent
If you feel that your opponent is trying to use facts to your disadvantage, attack him or her personally. Call your opponent names, insult his ancestry, imply that he performs improbable sex acts with animals or his own mother -- or both. If you can arouse his anger, you will have him on familiar ground where he can be beat. Your aim is to make your opponent stop using those pesky facts and figures to win the argument -- everyone knows arguments are supposed to be emotional, not cold and rational, so he's doing it wrong to start with. Names guaranteed to upset an opponent with a conservative bent are Nazi, Dittohead (meaning he's a fan of Rush Limbaugh), and Sheep. Spell "Republican" and "America" with a K in them, to suggest that your opponent is a member of the KKK -- but if they mention that Democratic Senator Robert Byrd was a Klansman, accuse your opponent of making an ad hominem attack! Make sure to claim that your opponent is either a dupe, is brainwashed, or is perhaps working for the government. If at all possible, make personal attacks on President Bush at the same time; that usually forces people to try and defend him.
#2: Switch Your Arguments
If you feel that your are beginning to lose an argument, change it. Switch sides altogether if you have to. For instance, if you are arguing that there are no biological or chemical weapons in Iraq, and your opponent quotes one of the many UN reports that state there definitely were banned weapons there, suddenly change your argument to "of course, there were, the US gave them to Saddam". Never mind the fact that you were just saying they didn't exist -- the purpose is to confuse your opponent and keep him from winning the argument. And in the above instance, if your opponent shows records from the CDC proving that Iraq requested medical samples through the World Health Organisation to combat anthrax and botulism, switch your argument BACK AGAIN and claim that Saddam destroyed the WMD he made form the samples after kicking out the inspectors in 1998, ignoring your earlier arguments that there never was any, and then that the US provided it. Logic is for losers! Consistency is for conservatives! If your opponent gives up the argument, loudly proclaim a victory!
#3: Raise The Bar
When your opponent presents you with proof of anything -- UN records of WMD stockpiles, Amnesty International records of humanitarian crimes, eyewitness accounts of rape, torture, murder, etc -- state that it's not enough to convince you. Tell your opponent that his so- called "proof" doesn't mean anything at all. Insist that anything from only one source doesn't count. Force him or her to go back and search for more proof... and more, and still more. Eventually, your opponent will grow tired of trying to convince you with mere facts and figures, and either give up or get angry -- and then you know you've got him! You can tell everyone that your opponent lost because his or her proof was "laughable".
#4: Attack The Source
When your opponent presents you with those pesky facts, there's only one way to beat him -- attack the source. Refuse to give credence to anything reported by the Weekly Standard, or NewsMax, even if your opponent's facts come from another source as well. Any news outlet even slightly to the right of the New York Times, the LA Times, CBS, ABC, NPR and Time is immediately suspect. Put down FOX news channel and anyone that refers to it -- ignore the fact that they have reported the same stories as every other network. The fact that your opponent uses any of those obviously biased sources automatically proves him wrong, a brainwashed tool, a sheep, etc (see rule #1). If he gives you information from a web site, attack that site as being biased, or right-wing. If he attacks your sources as being left-wing, scoff at that argument -- you know that "left wing" and "correct" are the same thing. Quotes from any liberal source (even a non-journalist's web page or blog) are automatically correct, while any conservative source is OBVIOUSLY distorting the facts to make an ideological point.
#5: Blame America First/Moral Equivalency
It's very important, at all times, to remember that America is the REAL bad guy here, everywhere, and for all time. If your opponent shows facts about Saddam's humanitarian offenses, match them with claims of America's own "atrocities". Although your opponent will claim there is no comparison between the two, continue to claim, for instance, that Saddam's 30- year record of using rape, murder, torture and mutilation on prisoners merely accused of crimes is the EXACT SAME THING as Texas administering the death penalty after due process of law. Argue that because America has not always been absolutely perfect, Americans have no right to judge any other country, no matter what it does, even though the Geneva Convention did not exist until after WWII. Stay focussed on your vision of an evil America ruled by corporate greed, evil America slobbering to kill the innocents in other countries, evil America ruthlessly building an empire, and evil America only pretending to be benevolent and generous to other countries. Never give credence to your opponent's arguments that America rebuilt countries like France, Germany, Japan, Nicaragua, Grenada, etc... it was obviously a ruse of some kind! Always seek to put the worst possible interpretation on everything America does or ever has done, or any statement by any member of the Administration. Remember that America exists only to dominate the entire world, like a James Bond supervillain. For reference, watch as many Oliver Stone movies as possible. Remember that American soldiers always act exactly like the soldiers in Platoon.
During the past year, I have spent countless hours trying to have rational debates about the various issues surrounding Iraq with Liberals on various message boards all over the Web. I've wondered over and over why they all seem to follow certain patterns. I've been trying to codify the rules that they seem to use, to increase my ability to identify the tactics they're using. When I identify which rule they're following, they invariably reply with strings of invective, proving that they know exactly what they're doing. Following are the top five Liberal "Rules" for Arguing that I've so far identified, having been repeatedly subjected to all these and more.
#1: Attack Your Opponent
If you feel that your opponent is trying to use facts to your disadvantage, attack him or her personally. Call your opponent names, insult his ancestry, imply that he performs improbable sex acts with animals or his own mother -- or both. If you can arouse his anger, you will have him on familiar ground where he can be beat. Your aim is to make your opponent stop using those pesky facts and figures to win the argument -- everyone knows arguments are supposed to be emotional, not cold and rational, so he's doing it wrong to start with. Names guaranteed to upset an opponent with a conservative bent are Nazi, Dittohead (meaning he's a fan of Rush Limbaugh), and Sheep. Spell "Republican" and "America" with a K in them, to suggest that your opponent is a member of the KKK -- but if they mention that Democratic Senator Robert Byrd was a Klansman, accuse your opponent of making an ad hominem attack! Make sure to claim that your opponent is either a dupe, is brainwashed, or is perhaps working for the government. If at all possible, make personal attacks on President Bush at the same time; that usually forces people to try and defend him.
#2: Switch Your Arguments
If you feel that your are beginning to lose an argument, change it. Switch sides altogether if you have to. For instance, if you are arguing that there are no biological or chemical weapons in Iraq, and your opponent quotes one of the many UN reports that state there definitely were banned weapons there, suddenly change your argument to "of course, there were, the US gave them to Saddam". Never mind the fact that you were just saying they didn't exist -- the purpose is to confuse your opponent and keep him from winning the argument. And in the above instance, if your opponent shows records from the CDC proving that Iraq requested medical samples through the World Health Organisation to combat anthrax and botulism, switch your argument BACK AGAIN and claim that Saddam destroyed the WMD he made form the samples after kicking out the inspectors in 1998, ignoring your earlier arguments that there never was any, and then that the US provided it. Logic is for losers! Consistency is for conservatives! If your opponent gives up the argument, loudly proclaim a victory!
#3: Raise The Bar
When your opponent presents you with proof of anything -- UN records of WMD stockpiles, Amnesty International records of humanitarian crimes, eyewitness accounts of rape, torture, murder, etc -- state that it's not enough to convince you. Tell your opponent that his so- called "proof" doesn't mean anything at all. Insist that anything from only one source doesn't count. Force him or her to go back and search for more proof... and more, and still more. Eventually, your opponent will grow tired of trying to convince you with mere facts and figures, and either give up or get angry -- and then you know you've got him! You can tell everyone that your opponent lost because his or her proof was "laughable".
#4: Attack The Source
When your opponent presents you with those pesky facts, there's only one way to beat him -- attack the source. Refuse to give credence to anything reported by the Weekly Standard, or NewsMax, even if your opponent's facts come from another source as well. Any news outlet even slightly to the right of the New York Times, the LA Times, CBS, ABC, NPR and Time is immediately suspect. Put down FOX news channel and anyone that refers to it -- ignore the fact that they have reported the same stories as every other network. The fact that your opponent uses any of those obviously biased sources automatically proves him wrong, a brainwashed tool, a sheep, etc (see rule #1). If he gives you information from a web site, attack that site as being biased, or right-wing. If he attacks your sources as being left-wing, scoff at that argument -- you know that "left wing" and "correct" are the same thing. Quotes from any liberal source (even a non-journalist's web page or blog) are automatically correct, while any conservative source is OBVIOUSLY distorting the facts to make an ideological point.
#5: Blame America First/Moral Equivalency
It's very important, at all times, to remember that America is the REAL bad guy here, everywhere, and for all time. If your opponent shows facts about Saddam's humanitarian offenses, match them with claims of America's own "atrocities". Although your opponent will claim there is no comparison between the two, continue to claim, for instance, that Saddam's 30- year record of using rape, murder, torture and mutilation on prisoners merely accused of crimes is the EXACT SAME THING as Texas administering the death penalty after due process of law. Argue that because America has not always been absolutely perfect, Americans have no right to judge any other country, no matter what it does, even though the Geneva Convention did not exist until after WWII. Stay focussed on your vision of an evil America ruled by corporate greed, evil America slobbering to kill the innocents in other countries, evil America ruthlessly building an empire, and evil America only pretending to be benevolent and generous to other countries. Never give credence to your opponent's arguments that America rebuilt countries like France, Germany, Japan, Nicaragua, Grenada, etc... it was obviously a ruse of some kind! Always seek to put the worst possible interpretation on everything America does or ever has done, or any statement by any member of the Administration. Remember that America exists only to dominate the entire world, like a James Bond supervillain. For reference, watch as many Oliver Stone movies as possible. Remember that American soldiers always act exactly like the soldiers in Platoon.
One mo...
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Ted Kennedy
WASHINGTON, DC --- Ted Kennedy, who was recently declared brain-dead by his physician, is fighting for his life. The Senator's family is trying to have his feeding tube removed to allow him to die a sober death. The tube, attached to a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin, has been utilized by the senator for his entire adult life. Medical experts believe removal will almost certainly result in death.
"This is a very complex situation," said one medical expert. "Senator Kennedy appears to be functioning normally to many people, but it is quite obvious that the man is brain-dead by his public comments. Most of us in the medical community think he should be allowed to have a dignified death by sobering him up and removing his feeding tube."
Liberals were stuck in a quandary today as they want Terri Schiavo dead, but they don't want Ted Kennedy to die. "This is a moral dilemma to many people," said Commie Greenstein, a liberal living in New York. "Fortunately, most of us don't really make decisions based on any morals, so it's okay if we want one person to die while allowing a brain-dead person to live."
Alcohol manufacturers around the world are scrambling to raise money for the "Keep Kennedy Alive" fund. Removing his feeding tube is predicted to cause a 12% annual decrease in global alcohol consumption. Some manufacturers risk going out of business as soon as the feeding tube is removed.
About the Writer: Jeremy Robb is a San Francisco resident and satirist who notes that he is on a "one man's jihad against liberalism." He is the editor of the "Jerhad!com Newsletter" and his website is at http://www.jerhad.com. Jere
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Ted Kennedy
WASHINGTON, DC --- Ted Kennedy, who was recently declared brain-dead by his physician, is fighting for his life. The Senator's family is trying to have his feeding tube removed to allow him to die a sober death. The tube, attached to a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin, has been utilized by the senator for his entire adult life. Medical experts believe removal will almost certainly result in death.
"This is a very complex situation," said one medical expert. "Senator Kennedy appears to be functioning normally to many people, but it is quite obvious that the man is brain-dead by his public comments. Most of us in the medical community think he should be allowed to have a dignified death by sobering him up and removing his feeding tube."
Liberals were stuck in a quandary today as they want Terri Schiavo dead, but they don't want Ted Kennedy to die. "This is a moral dilemma to many people," said Commie Greenstein, a liberal living in New York. "Fortunately, most of us don't really make decisions based on any morals, so it's okay if we want one person to die while allowing a brain-dead person to live."
Alcohol manufacturers around the world are scrambling to raise money for the "Keep Kennedy Alive" fund. Removing his feeding tube is predicted to cause a 12% annual decrease in global alcohol consumption. Some manufacturers risk going out of business as soon as the feeding tube is removed.
About the Writer: Jeremy Robb is a San Francisco resident and satirist who notes that he is on a "one man's jihad against liberalism." He is the editor of the "Jerhad!com Newsletter" and his website is at http://www.jerhad.com. Jere
Marko Kloos
Inactive
This thread started on shaky ground and hasn't become more productive since then.
- Status